The *Complete* Meh Mystery!
12____1
When eccentric billionaire steam mop mogul Dallas McAllen hosted a party, he always went all out, offering up his mansion to a wide array of strange characters. Only, last night, he invited one guest too many. For, sometime just after midnight, a cry was heard from his study, and the man of much wealth and little reason was found murdered.
But this will not be an open and shut case. With 30 suspects–many of whom are devious, depraved, desperate, or all of the above–it will be a mystery that only the best can untangle. Sadie Dufresne–an Inspector of the Royal Knights order (shorthand - IRK), one of the highest ranking detectives in all the land–arrived on the scene as quickly as she could to put the pieces together. But she’ll need help if she has any chance of figuring this thing out. And she’ll need it… from YOU!
So what do you say? Will you help IRK Dufresne crack the case?
_____2
Claude Money’s name earned him much mockery. Those who knew art thought it hilarious that he, a mere house painter, very nearly shared the name of the famed French impressionist, while others simply found it funny that he so clearly lacked an excess of his surname. Dallas McAllen, though, had treated him with kindness when he’d hired him to paint one of his lake houses and then later to do some work at his mansion. He had even invited Claude to one of his parties. And how did Claude feel about that? Ashamed. Not of being offered charity, but of his own nefarious intentions. For as soon as he secured the invite he began planning how he would steal and re-sell the painting he’d seen when the billionaire invited him up to his study for a drink after a long day painting in the sun: an original of his almost namesake, something with which to fulfill the promise of his family name. It still hangs there now, but given its location, and that it is slightly askew, could it be that Claude was caught in the act and, in turn, committed a much more despicable crime?
____3
IRK Sadie Dufresne calls the coroner to check in and see if his examination of the victim has turned up anything new.
“Any idea the cause of death?” she asks.
“Appears that he was stabbed,” the coroner says.
“What gives you that idea?” Sadie asks.
“Mostly the stab wounds,” says the coroner. “And the EatNeat Knife in his back. You know, one of the ones that usually comes with a cutting board.”
“Good work, doctor,” Sadie replies. “That’s very helpful information.”
_____4
Professional bowler Hal Dempling, at the height of his powers, bowled with a McAllen Steam Mop endorsement. So thankful was he for this that he never used another brand, even at home, when no one would know. And they worked well. So well, in fact, that they steamed his floor nice and slick, and on such a slick floor, he slipped, breaking his dominant wrist irreparably upon impact with the tile, ending his career. Of course, McAllen, who he considered a friend, paid him handsomely to keep the steam mop’s part in the mishap hush hush. But a man doesn’t just bowl for the money. He bowls for the love of the game. And could it be that he grew to secretly hate the man who took this away from him? Hate him so much, in fact, that he sought to kill him?
_____5
Joseph Tibbins, the art dealer, thought Dallas McAllen might be having an affair with his wife. Could it be that he sought revenge for being made a cuckold?
_____6
IRK Sadie Dufresne calls the coroner to check in and see if his examination of the victim has turned up anything new.
“Any updates?” she asks.
“Yes, actually,” the coroner says. “Before he was stabbed, it appears he choked on some Earthside Farms Individually-Wrapped Keto Brownie Bites.”
“So he wasn’t murdered?” Sadie says, perplexed.
“I don’t think he ate them himself,” says the coroner. “I think he was forced to eat them.”
“What gives you that impression?” Sadie asks.
“Well, they were still wrapped,” says the coroner.
“Good work, doctor,” Sadie replies. “That’s very helpful information.”
_____7
Erin Tibbins, a publishing executive, knew her husband, Joseph Tibbins the art dealer, thought she was having an affair with Dallas McAllen, but, though she did nothing to deny the fact, she wasn’t. What she was doing was losing a major author, Hilda Brennon, to a rival publishing house. She would, in turn, likely lose her job, making Joseph the primary breadwinner of their household. He would be even more haughty than usual, and moreover, might criticize her artisanal honey addiction, its purchase being made with money out of an account he would soon refill exclusively. Could she have murdered McAllen to frame her husband, thus sending him away and leaving her to spend the sum of their accumulated wealth as she pleased?
_____8
Author Hilda Brennon took the mantra “write what you know” to the extremes. For example, to write her second novel, concerning a torrid affair carried out by underwater bomb diffusers, she learned both how to dive and how to diffuse bombs. Rumor had it, several of the bombs she diffused were live, such were her demands for authenticity. Her new novel, about the mysterious death of a billionaire in the mop industry, had been giving her trouble. She’d been blocked for months. So, when Dallas McAllen invited her to his party, might she have tried to kickstart the writing process by carrying out its key plot point herself?
_____9
Terrance Hynes, the McAllen estate’s morning butler, wanted a raise, but never got it. Might he have been bitter enough to end his employer’s life?
_____10
Hattie Marshall doesn’t consider herself a groundskeeper of the McAllen estate. She thinks of herself The Keeper of the Grounds. It sounds more epic and thus allows her one way to live out her ultimate fantasy: feeling like a superhero. Another way? Through the collection of FanMan comics. Initially, she’d chosen FanMan as her favorite comic book superhero simply because the comics were easier to acquire, given there were fewer collectors. But over time, she came to love him, and she has always wanted the entirety of his catalog. But her collection is one issue short: Issue Number Five, FanMan versus The Rent Raiser. A copy comes on the market so rarely that when she saw one on her favorite auction site two weeks ago, she figured it was a scam. But no, there it was, certified real and authentic. She bid. And she bid. And she bid. She offered every dime in the account she’d set up for such things. And still, she couldn’t win the auction. Instead, the comic went to user Dal_McAll. Hattie seethed and seethed until her employer asked if she wouldn’t mind helping out during the party. “It’d be a little extra money,” Dallas McAllen had said with what Hattie perceived to be a knowing smile. “Maybe you could buy something you like.” Hattie imagined he meant to sell her the comic for more money than he had bid, a cruel thing to do for someone so monied as him, making a paltry little profit on something she held dear. But nonetheless, she agreed to work his party. Maybe to make the money. Or maybe to enact her revenge…
______11
IRK Sadie Dufresne calls the coroner to check in and see if his examination of the victim has turned up anything new.
“Any updates?” she asks.
“Yes, actually,” the coroner says. “We found something curious. An Evergreen Harvest Illuminated Fall Floral Stake driven into his chest. And by my estimation, it was actually staked in earlier than the knife was stabbed into his back.”
“Good work, doctor,” Sadie replies. “That’s very helpful information.”
______12
Could it be pop star Henri Gladhand, who attended the party on a drug described to him by his friend as “peyote on steroids”, thus rendering the night a fiery haze?
______13
Finley Lancested, the McAllen estate’s afternoon butler, asked for a McAllen steam mop to clean the floor of his room in the butler wing of the mansion, but McAllen refused. Could it be that Finley saw this denial of something so easily procured as the ultimate act of penny-pinching hubris? And might he have sought to punish his employer for it… with death?
______14
Could it have been Peyton Owens, the yacht dealer who has attended fifteen of McAllen’s parties, thinking each would be the one when he’d land the deal of a lifetime, only for no deals to materialize, driving him into a rage?
_______15
Could it have been Moira Masterson, Dallas McAllen’s eccentric artist friend who paints only with shades of red?
_______16
Could it have been McAllen’s older cousin, Maude Thrush, who taught young Dallas how to mop place but never seemed to get her due credit for his ascension?
_______17
Alvin Morlock, the McAllen estate’s evening butler and the only butler working during the party (though all butlers were in the house that night), was made to wear a ridiculous lobster costume for the duration of his shift. He assumed this to be related to some theme, but it was not. It was simply to give guests something to laugh about. Could he have attempted to give Dallas McAllen something to laugh about in his study that night? And by laugh about, we mean… die about?
_______18
Did Dallas McAllen know his sister Audrey McAllen wasn’t really his sister? That the story she told, upon arriving out of the blue, of a maternity test that connected them–both having been orphans–was a falsehood? She thought that deep down he might suspect and that he didn’t care, that their bond since her arrival had grown too strong. And yet, recently, he’d discovered something related to her past. She heard as much secondhand, from Hal Dempling, the washed-up professional bowler who frequently darkened her faux brother’s door. She didn’t know what he’d found, but she worried that a confrontation might lead to her extraction from his inner circle. Is it possible that she ended his life before he could sever her reliance on him?
_______19
Everyone thought Dallas McAllen’s finances to be in order. But then how do you explain his frequent meetings with Vinny Tempori? After all, Vinny’s work for his “family business” involved “loan repayment consultations.” He was at the party that night and was no stranger to violence. Suspicious, isn’t it?
_______20
Helen Montgomery, the widow of the founder and CEO of a wet napkins company, needed none of Dallas McAllen’s money. But she never forgave him for what he whispered into to her that night all those years ago, and frankly, seeing him tired her, because each time they met, it reminded her of the indignity his words inspired in her. Yet cutting all ties was not an option. Those wealthy from cleaning products were a tight-knit group. No matter how hard she tried to avoid him, there he always was. So perhaps, being unable to extricate herself from his presence, she sought to extricate him from his earthly form…
______21
The whole thing was insulting to him, really. Adam Seanison was supposed to be the one to move on, to quit his job as a copywriter for Ugh dot com, the e-commerce heir to its founder’s original site, Sweet dot com. After all, he’d published two novels, A Big Ol’ Pile and It’s Out There In The Arctic Landscape Somewhere. Soon enough, he’d be punching his ticket out of this online hellhole, right? Wrong? Instead, he got fired. And for what? A product write-up about a refurbished McAllen steam mop so cheeky and biting that Dallas McAllen himself reached out to his boss and asked for his removal. And now, Adam is stuck doing catering work to pay the bills. Catering work that, just yesterday, brought him to the home of the man who ended his career. Could he have sought the ultimate revenge?
______22
Could it be Enrique LoQuard, the famed living statue that all the billionaires hire to entertain the attendees of their lavish parties, and who’s commitment to the bit requires he be transported in a wooden box to his gigs and moved, by several helpers, into place, where he will stay until they arrive to take him away? And, honestly, follow-up question: are we sure Enrique LoQuard is a living statue, and not just, like, a statue?
______23
Chip MacReynolds, the McAllen estate’s overnight butler, asked for an Addams Family pinball machine to be added to the array of games in the butler lounge. McAllen agreed initially, but no machine ever materialized. Might this be enough to make MacReynolds carry out an act so creepy and cooky as… murder?
______24
Dallas McAllen didn’t have children, so he spoiled his godson Jimmy Stetson instead, all through the boy’s childhood and his adolescence and his teen years. But now Jimmy’s 26 years old, yet he still spends like a child, and on childish things, no less. This is what Dallas McAllen said to him just a month ago while they lunched together at the country club. “I’m tired of paying for your childish pursuits. You’re cut off.” All at once, Jimmy Stetson understood how tenuous a father-son relationship could be with no shared blood. And since Dallas McAllen never rescinded the invitation to his upcoming party, Jimmy attended, perhaps with designs at seeing that blood run forth.
_____25
Braden Brandon, Dallas McAllen’s college roommate, had fallen on hard times. They’d graduated from the same university the same year with the same degree and the same desire to revolutionize the cleaning industry. Only, Dallas McAllen had achieved these dreams and Braden Brandon drank himself into incoherence each night after going door to door selling a second-rate de-greasing spray for ovens. Could jealousy have driven him to commit a terrible crime against his old friend?
______26
IRK Sadie Dufresne calls the coroner to check in and see if his examination of the victim has turned up anything new.
“Any updates?” she asks.
“Yes, actually,” the coroner says. “Before he was stabbed with the Illuminated Fall Floral Stake, someone sprayed an excessive amount of Liquid Ass Fart Prank Spray into his eyes and nose.”
“And that could kill a man?” Sadie says.
“No, but hoo-boy would it be gross,” says the coroner.
“Good work, doctor,” Sadie replies. “That’s very helpful information.”
______27
Could it have been marine biologist, Garla Kilshousen? Nope. It couldn’t be. Because the idea of typing Garla Kilshousen a bunch is too frustrating. I mean, shit, I just copied and pasted it that second time there. Which I could do again. But eventually, I’d copy something else. And then I’d paste that by accident. And I’d either catch the mistake and curse it, or I wouldn’t. And then the final scene would be like:
“Fine, you caught me,” says 4-Pack: iHome Smart Dimmable Lighting.
And how embarrassing would that be? Better to just rule her out now and never discuss her again.
______28
Nina Mercedes, Dallas McAllen’s secretary, wanted so badly to own a Mercedes. Then, she could get a vanity plate that said N1N4. It was so perfect, and yet Dallas McAllen refused to give her the raise she would need to buy a new one, saying instead that she should save up for something more affordable, like one from thirty or forty years ago. “But I want to drive it for a long time, and if it’s from the 80s, it’ll die soon,” she argued one day, while they were getting ready to leave the office. “Not necessarily,” Dallas said. “I was around in the 80s, and I don’t plan to die for a long time!” Could Nina have come to the party with the intent of proving her boss wrong?
______29
Dallas McAllen had been married a single time for a single week to a woman named Marge Roper, a bracelet model. They’d just met at a hotel bar, both intoxicated. Things had gotten out of hand. She’d accepted a small sum of money to have the marriage dissolved without any mess. The day after their union was no more, Dallas McAllen’s steam mop company made its initial public offering, turning him from wealthy and successful to filthy rich. Roper attended last night’s party as a caterer, after begging and begging to be put on the job. She claims it was all because she needed the money after a pesky and persistent wrist rash ended her modeling career. But perhaps she was looking for revenge after being lowballed so many years before.
______30
Could it have been golfing buddy Terry Plum, founder of the confusingly named Plum’s Raisins, who asked Dallas McAllen for a loan to procure an extra strong dehydrator, only to be turned down and later find out McAllen had invested in the dried fruit venture of a rival?
______31
Second-rate television presenter Frank Alabaster, an old friend of the deceased, once invited McAllen to be on a special “Titans of Business” episode of Trivia Crunch, which he hosted (but only on Wednesdays and Fridays). He’d hoped that pulling in such a heavy hitter might endear him to the network and earn him the job full-time. But Dallas, having pulled off a successful corporate takeover of another steam mop company that morning, showed up drunk and proceeded to answer each question with an embarrassing anecdote about Alabaster. After that, Alabaster was demoted to just Wednesdays. Though he swears he doesn’t hold it against him, is it possible that he might have been lying so that the billionaire wouldn’t suspect his eventual attack?
_____32
Carl Loaf, the McAllen estate’s special butler for leap days only, asked for February 29th off to attend his daughter’s wedding. His request was not granted. Might he have sought to create a different event to attend: the funeral of his boss?
_____33
In an upstairs bedroom, IRK Sadie Dufresne finds the sheets ruffled.
She asks Alvin Morlock and Chip McReynolds–the McAllen estate’s evening and overnight butlers respectively–who was staying in the room.
“Nobody officially,” Alvin replies.
“But people were in there,” Chip clarifies.
“Two people, I’d say,” Alvin replies. “Maybe three?”
“And they were in there for hours, by the sounds of it,” Chip says. “Only stopped making noise and slipped out unseen when the police arrived shortly after midnight.”
Clearly, two or more suspects were in this room at the time of the murder, thus freeing them from suspicion. But nobody has come forward to admit as much. Perhaps, it was an affair?
What do you think? Who was in that room?
______34
The fact of her being a failed actress was something that both Leanne Marlane and Dallas McAllen agreed to be true. The issue was a matter of chronology. Dallas argued she’d already been a failed actress when he’d given her a chance, pulling some strings to have her cast in a national McAllen Steam Mop commercial. Leanne would say that she had been, at that point, an up-and-coming actress, one whose rise stopped abruptly when she became the ‘steam mop psycho’ (as she was referred to online) due to a murderous twinkle to her eye as she worked the product over a kitchen floor. The ad was pulled as were offers of further employment. Dallas, for his part, feigned heartbreak at the turn. “Maybe I will make it up to you some day,” he said to her just last week over cocktails, and though slight, he put an emphasis on the word ‘will’ leading Leanne to interpret this as a sign he’d leave her something when he passed. Could it be that she sought to hasten this process by tapping into the same inner rage that had shown through on the commercial all those years ago?
______35
Could it be Gemma Harrilson, who prefers not to be identified by her career choice, thank you very much, and therefore, per the previously established rules of this particular literary world, has no motives, since it seems like everyone else’s potential reason to kill Dallas McAllen involves their job or his?
______36
“Dallas McAllen, your godfather, cut you off recently, financially. Is that correct?” IRK Sadie Dufresne asks Jimmy Stetson.
“Jeez, you get right to the point,” Jimmy Stetson says. “Yeah, that’s correct.”
“And he was overheard saying the reason for doing so was your childish pursuits,” Sadie says. “You were spending money on what? Toys? Candy? Comic books?”
“That was after he cut me off,” Jimmy says, not making eye contact.
“What do you mean?” Sadie says, leaning in.
“I spent a fortune on a single FanMan comic book,” Jimmy says, “but not until after he took away my card and my checkbook and all that. I had to sneak into his account on the auction site to buy the damn thing.”
“So what was it you were pursuing earlier that caused Dallas McAllen to take away your funds?” Sadie asks.
“Not what, IRK Dufrense, but who,” Jimmy Stetson says. “I told him my plan to buy the comic book to win her over, and he said I needed to give up and move on.”
“A rare comic book to woo someone, huh?” Sadie says. “You couldn’t just get some flowers?”
“Absolutely not,” Jimmy Stetson says. “She works with flowers all day.”
“Hattie, the groundskeeper,” Sadie says.
“The keeper of the grounds is how she prefers it, but yeah,” Jimmy says. “She started working at the estate when she was twenty, and I was sixteen. I fell in love with her immediately and promised myself one day when I was older, I’d find a way to show her.”
“And where were you shortly after midnight?” Sadie says.
“Looking for her,” Jimmy says. “So I could give her her the issue and finally tell her how I feel.”
Several other guests confirm as much: Jimmy Stetson was frantically searching the party, waving around a small periodical in a protective sleeve all night. But nobody could account for Hattie’s whereabouts, even though she was supposed to be working.
______37
Westin DuPlane, the McAllen estate’s backup butler for leap days, hasn’t had anything to do for years but must remain in the mansion, just in case. He got wind that Carl Loaf, lead leap day butler, asked for the day off and was refused. This would have been DuPlane’s only chance to show his skills until 2028. Might frustration and boredom pushed him to commit the most vile of crimes?
______38
IRK Dufresne needs to clear her head. She’s confused. She’s frustrated. And moreover, she’s tired.
In the kitchen, she finds the coffee pot full and pours herself a cup. Just one teaspoon of sugar and a splash of cream. That’s how she takes it.
Only, she never gets to the cream.
Because, in the sugar pot, she finds a crumpled-up post-it. At the bottom, a red speck. Could be blood. Could be an ink spill. Sadie’s not sure, and what’s more, she’s not sure about the note’s content either.
It says only, “Mel --> release valve, Dublin?”
Why is it here, she wonders. And what does it mean? And could it be related at all to the murder?
_______39
“Honestly, these party nights are terrible for all of us,” says Finley Lancested, the McAllen estate’s afternoon butler, when Sadie Dufresne asks him if he noticed any odd comings and goings. “The ice sculptors, the strobe light installers, the parrot releasers–all day, we’re letting them in and then making sure they’re out in good time so nobody has to see the seams, so to speak. That was the thing with Dallas; he never liked this stuff to seem too meticulously planned. Even having the caterers here was a nuisance enough to him. Especially with the whole van ordeal.”
“The van ordeal,” Sadie repeats.
“Nothing huge, mind you,” says Finley. “Just that they usually have a single van but this time two arrived. It was the usual one, with the logo of the company on the side, and then a really junky one, which I swear, they never even took anything out of. Finding an out-of-the-way place to stash a couple vans on an estate this big’s not hard. Just an unnecessary annoyance on top of everything else.”
(To Be Continued in a later comment…)
- 13 comments, 12 replies
- Comment
The bowler or the godson. Very plausible motives.
@medz these both sound like Tarot cards
@medz Except with the bowler’s crippled dominant hand, it would have been difficult (though not impossible – and makes for a decent alibi) for him to stab McAllen.
What I can’t figure out is how, prior to the stabbing, that his mouth was stuffed with wrapped keto brownie bites and his chest impaled with a floral stake. Seems this would have caused quite the ruckus – unless the victim was unconscious. Yet to be impaled in the chest and stabbed in the back would require the victim to be upright. So there may have been multiple perpetrators.
Conclusion: The butlerS did it!
@jouest @medz That’s it, someone should make a tarot deck.
Hattie Marshall had strong motive and little to lose.
Actually, the fart prank spray might contain ammonium sulfide as a component, and that could be fatal.
The way to a man’s heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs.
<Ur-k> <Say dee Dew fray-n>?
Or is the name an anagram? Fundraised See? Seaside Refund? Sardine Defuse? Unsaid Feeders? Radius Defense? Sudden Faeries? A defused siren? Desired Unsafe? A ruddiness fee? Free undies ad?
@pakopako Doing a quick online search, it seems that Sadie filed for bankruptcy last year. Suspicious?
@pakopako Could Sadie be the long-lost younger sister of Andy Dufresne, who spent years in prison for a murder he says he didn’t commit? He was a clever one, that Andy; maybe it runs in the family.
@lisagd but then where’s Rita Hayworth?
Or wait, is it now Racquel Welch?
@lisagd @pakopako Everybody is innocent in here, don’t you know that?
All of the above.
@dalekjoe or…some of the above…
If this is going the way of 1985 but rebooted, we’re going to have some angry North Koreans and a dead vtuber.
Irk in the break room with a plastic knife
https://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/its-always-the-wife-its-always-the-wife/
@pakopako Unless it’s the sister-in-law, and you’re stealing her sister away from her.
Where’s the rest of the mystery? I checked all the threads in the forum that seemed plausible, but I can’t find it. I need to know what happened!
@lisagd The billionaire was offed by a nonspecified person as part of a covert op orchestrated by the “living statue”. The “detective” was entirely wrong about whodunit, and pinched the wrong person as the perp.
CONTINUED FROM ABOVE:
_____40
Sitting with the former bowler, Hal Dempling, IRK Sadie Dufresne clears her throat and begins her questioning, but Hal cuts her off before she so much as gets through the first question–where were you at 12:04am, the time of the murder?
“Dallas McAllen was a friend of mine,” Hal says. “He was the only one who stuck by me after my catastrophic career-ending injury. During those years–when I was still knocking the pins–I was surrounded by some of the most beautiful and thrilling people in the world. But then, the ball stopped rolling and the phone stopped ringing. And now, with Dallas gone, I find myself completely alone.”
IRK Dufresne gives him a moment while he softly weeps.
Once he composes himself again, Hal Dempling says, “The way I see it, I need to know you’re the best before I trust you. I need to know you can solve the mystery of what happened to my friend. And so, to verify your mental fortitude and problem-solving ability, before I answer any questions, I will need you to solve the riddle of the three monkeys.”
Dempling lays out the facts: three monkeys in a zoo exhibit are found dead. One is missing its eyes, the other missing its tongue, the other missing its thumbs. The autopsy shows two have eaten bananas, one’s stomach is empty of all but a ticket stub.
“So,” Hal Dempling says, “what happened to the three monkeys?” Then he stands to leave. “Think about it. When you’ve figured it out, then I’ll talk.”
______41
In a bathroom on the fourth floor, IRK Sadie Dufresne finds a small pocket-sized notebook.
She opens it to a page that reads: Ways to kill a billionaire and make it look like an accident.
_____42
“So, where were you at the time of the murder?” IRK Sadie Dufresne asks Enrique LoQuard, the famed living statue.
Enrique LoQuard just stands there.
“Very interesting,” says IRK Sadie Dufresne.
_____43
An officer dusts a candlestick for prints. Just nudging it, the painting above, a portrait of one of Dallas McAllen’s beloved labradors, slides to the left revealing a safe.
“IRK Dufresne, you might want to see this,” the officer calls out.
Sadie finds the safe locked, but there is a screen with a small keyboard attached to enter a password.
The computer expert on Sadie’s team is unable to hack it but does manage to find the password requirements.
It must contain:
What do you think the password is?
_____44
Using techniques she learned at the Royal Knights Training Academy, it takes Sadie Dufresne mere minutes to break down Claude Money and get him to admit he’d attempted to steal the painting in Dallas McAllen’s study.
“And when he came in and found you,” she says, “you killed him.”
“No,” says Claude, in tears. “He didn’t even know I was there. I hid under his desk. He hummed a song to himself and seemed to be looking for something when someone else came in after him. I heard him say, ‘What are you doing up here?’ And then… well, there are some noises you hear and you know right then and there that you’ll never be able to forget them, that they’ll be sounding in your ears every night as you try to fall asleep for the rest of your life.”
“What happened after that?” Sadie asks.
“When it was all done,” Claude says, “the killer started to scribble something on a notepad, but I shifted under the desk, and they ran off.”
_____45
IRK Sadie Dufresne finds the notepad on Dallas McAllen’s desk in his study. The top sheet has been torn off but she is able to shade the indentations in and reveal the words: “Dallas McAllen? More like Dallas Mc-all-done.”
So, it was just as Claude Money suspected. The killer meant to leave a note then thought otherwise. But who would would do such a thing?
Help Sadie out. Of all the suspects, who would write such a note?
______46
IRK Sadie Dufresne calls the coroner to check in and see if his examination of the victim has turned up anything new.
“Any updates?” she asks.
“Yes, actually,” the coroner says. “Before he was sprayed with fart spray, and then staked, and then choked with keto brownie bites, and then stabbed with a kitchen knife, he was strangled with a Statik 360 Pro 100W Universal Magnetic Charge Cable. In fact, I’d say the killer used three of them.”
“Good work, doctor,” Sadie replies. “That’s very helpful information.”
_____47
Thanks to your help, after many many tries, IRK Sadie Dufresne is able to open the safe behind the painting in the study.
But what she finds in it, she could not have expected in a million years!
What is it?
______48
“So, you’re writing a book about a billionaire’s mysterious death,” IRK Sadie Dufresne says to author Hilda Brennon.
“Correct,” Hilda says.
“Then this must be yours,” says Sadie, taking out the notebook she found in the fourth-floor bathroom. “I found a list in here. ‘Ways to kill a billionaire and make it look like an accident.’ Was that for your novel? Or was it something you had planned for last night?”
Hilda scoffs at the accusation. “Please. There’s nothing mysterious about this death. He was murdered, clear as day. I am rumored to live out my novels before I write them, am I not?”
“That’s what I’ve heard,” says Sadie.
“So, if that’s the case, why would I carry out something so sloppy?” Hilda says. “That’s not like the plot of my novel at all. Besides, if you must know, the reason you found my notebook in the upstairs bathroom is because I was there at the time of Mr. McAllen’s death. The food. My god was it ill-prepared. Just terrible. If Dallas were alive, I’d kill him myself over the nasty spread alone. A billionaire! And he works with such inexperienced caterers!”
Others corroborate Hilda’s story, including a few who were waiting outside the bathroom to finish, they themselves having been put into gastric distress by the sub-par catering as well.
______49
In the second catering van, Sadie Dufresne finds boxes and boxes and packing material everywhere. The shipping labels have been torn off.
What could have been in the boxes? she wonders.
______50
“So you haven’t been catering for long, I take it?” IRK Sadie Dufresne asks former copywriter Adam Seanison, still in his uniform.
“Let’s just say it wasn’t my first choice of career,” Adam replies.
“Might that be why there were so many complaints about the food?” Sadie inquires.
“Complaints?” Adam looks confused. “I didn’t get a single comment card.”
“If everyone felt like Hilda Brennon,” says Sadie, “that’s likely because they were too sick to fill one out.”
"Hilda Brennon? The author? “Another bridge burned!” Adam put his head in his hands a moment before continuing. “Listen, it wasn’t my fault, okay? Sure, I’m new at this. But we were shorthanded, what with Marge acting all love-struck and then running off.”
“Running off?” Sadie says. “Where?”
“I don’t know,” Adam says. “But it was twice. First, she told me she wanted to pick out a location. She just wanted to talk to him, she said. Somewhere private. Not sure how much actual talking she had in mind, if I’m honest. Anyway, when she got back, all giddy because she’d found the perfect spot for them to rekindle their romance, I told her she was delusional and that it would never happen. The look in her eyes then? Oof. It was like it finally dawned on her; she was not Dallas McAllen’s wife anymore and really, she barely was in the first place. I thought that was the end of it, but she apparently recovered, because a little while later, she was off again, and this time, she was leading Dallas McAllen up the stairs behind her.”
_____51
“Are you aware that Jimmy Stetson, godson of the deceased, was in love with you?” IRK Sadie Dufresne asks Hattie Marshall.
“Kaboom!” Hattie says.
“I don’t understand,” Sadie says.
“That’s what it would say in one of my comic books,” Hattie explains, “if someone hucked a grenade like that one in here. Jimmy Stetson? In love with me? Holy big-time reveals, FanMan!”
“And yet, when he looked for you around midnight to tell you as much, he couldn’t find you,” Sadie says.
“Well, I was indisposed,” Hattie says, “in an act, not of love, but pertaining to that which is oft wrongly considered to be its alter ego. Lust.”
“So it was you, in that room with the ruffled sheets,” Sadie says. “And who were you with?”
“Tibbins,” Sadie says.
______52
“You are not, as your husband Joseph suspects, having an affair,” IRK Sadie Dufresne says to Erin Tibbins. “But were you aware that your husband is having an affair?”
“He’s not,” Erin says without emotion.
“But he is,” IRK Sadie Dufresne says. “With Hattie Marshall, the groundskeeper. She told me she’d been with someone at the time of the murder, and when I asked who, she said, ‘Tibbins.’”
“That’s the issue with last names that end with ‘s’; it’s hard to tell when it’s singular and when it’s plural,” Erin says. “You see, IRK Dufresne, it’s not an affair if you know about it, allow it, and take part in it.”
“So you were there too?” Sadie says.
“I was, and honestly it’s the closest Joseph and I have felt for some time,” she says. “The only thing that nearly ruined the evening was whatever was going on in the room next door. Though it likely couldn’t have been heard from the outside over our commotion, I swore that I could just make out someone crying. And underneath that, a slight jangling noise.”
_____53
“Erin Tibbins reported a sound from the next room, while she, her husband, and the groundskeeper were having their tryst,” IRK Sadie Dufresne tells Marge Roper, the former bracelet model and moreover former wife of one Dallas McAllen, albeit only for a week. “She said she could hear someone crying, and then a jangling noise.”
Marge Roper, still wearing her catering attire, grips her right wrist, replete with bracelets.
“Fine, it was me,” Marge Roper says. “Dallas was surprised to see me, and I’d asked if we could go somewhere private. He thought I was after his money, but all I told him was that I still loved him. I reminded him of the song we danced to after hastily tying the knot. He said I was being ridiculous. He said for me to wait there in the room we’d gone to, so that he could get his wedding ring–the one he’d bought that very night, when we decided, on a whim, to marry–so I could have it. He said then I’d know once and for all that there was nothing between us, and he went off to retrieve the thing, humming that same song I’d just reminded him of. But consider this: he kept it, didn’t he? The ring. If it was really nothing, he wouldn’t have kept it would he?”
“That’s not for me to say,” Sadie says.
“You’re right,” snaps Marge. “It’s not for anyone to say. Not for you. Not for Adam. Not anybody but me and him!”
“Adam told you you were being delusional, is that right?” Sadie says.
“If that was all, it would’ve been a blessing,” Marge says. “But he said much worse things, truly awful things. We’ve worked together a lot recently, you know? He knows how sensitive I am. He knows exactly what upsets me. Still, he’d been mean to me all day, saying all manner of things about me and Dallas you wouldn’t believe, things like…” but Marge trails off, her eyes glistening. She takes out a handkerchief, dabbing her eyes, her bracelets jangling softly.
_____54
When Hal Dempling finally comes back, IRK Sadie Dufresne presents her theory of what happened to the three monkeys.
Hal nods. “Very good.”
“So, what do you have to tell me?” Sadie asks.
“Oh, not much,” Hal Dempling says. “I just wanted to know what happened to those monkeys is all. Someone else told me that riddle years ago. But I couldn’t solve it, and I’ve always wondered what the answer is.”
Sadie throws her notepad to the ground in frustration.
“Say, you shopping online, IRK Dufresne?” Hal says reading the list of murder weapons. “Because I’ve seen a lot of this stuff offered on one of my favorite deal sites recently.”
_____55
In the trash in the kitchen, IRK Sadie Dufresne finds a tape player. She rewinds the tape and plays it, hearing the sound of soft weeping and the jangling of bracelets.
_____56
“Thank you all for gathering here so I can share an update on the case,” IRK Sadie Dufresne says to the assembled crowd. They’ve convened in the ballroom, this being the only place spacious enough to hold all of them.
“This better be good,” mutters Westin DuPlane, the McAllen estate’s backup leap day butler, “if I’m stuck here at work on my day off.”
“They’re all days off for you,” says Carl Loaf, the McAllen estate’s lead leap day butler. “Some of us have to work, you know?”
The other butlers roll their eyes at them.
“Please,” Sadie calls. “I’ll need silence if I’m going to get through all this.”
_____57
“Now, we have no shortage of motives,” continues IRK Sadie Dufresne. “And we have no shortage of corroborated alibis. Some were in the bathroom. Some were waiting for the bathroom. Others were searching the party, hoping to present a gift and confess their love once and for all to a woman who was, at that moment, engaged in a wild affair with a married couple upstairs.”
Jimmy Stetson, holding Hattie Marshall’s hand, leans over and whispers, “Who was that last example about?”
“No idea,” Hattie Marshal whispers back, just as Joseph and Erin Tibbins high-five softly beside her.
“But let’s go back to that first example, shall we?” IRK Sadie Dufresne says. “The bathroom. Many of the guests were displeased with the poorly cooked food at the party. Meaning, not many people were making second trips to the catering table, allowing the caterers ample time without a guest. Perhaps enough to slip away for a moment and commit a little… murder.”
The crowd gasps.
______58
“Now,” IRK Sadie Dufresne continues, “Marge Roper was heard by the aforementioned trio in the upstairs bedroom weeping softly.”
“Wow,” whispers Jimmy Stetson to Hattie Marshall. “The more we hear about this group’s escapades, the more I want to know!”
“Don’t think so much about it, sweetie,” Hattie replies.
“So, she would seem to have an alibi,” IRK Sadie Dufresne says. “Only, earlier I found something interesting in the kitchen trash: a tape player with a tape in it that played the sound of Marge Roper crying, with the slight jangle of her bracelets heard in the background.”
The crowd gasps again.
_____59
“So, Marge Roper lured her former husband upstairs to tell him she still loved him. When he rebuked her and left, it would seem she planted the tape in the upstairs bedroom in order for it to be heard by the revelers next door, followed Dallas McAllen to his study, and murdered him. Then, she snuck back up to retrieve the player and disposed of it in the kitchen garbage bin,” Sadie Dufresne says.
“What?! But I would never?” cries Marge Roper.
“If her plea sounds genuine, it’s because it is,” IRK Sadie Dufresne says, not looking at her but instead scanning the crowd for a different face. “When I say ‘it would seem,’ I mean exactly that. As in: this is what it looks like, but not what actually happened.”
______60
“What actually happened is this,” says IRK Sadie Dufresne. “Adam Seanison, failed copywriter and equally untalented caterer, teased Marge relentlessly throughout the day, to the point that she began to cry, at which point, he covertly recorded her. Knowing she would cry softly and that her bracelets would jangle after she spoke to Dallas McAllen, and thus be overheard, he discarded this recording in the kitchen trash to essentially void her alibi, knowing I would find it. Meanwhile, he himself trailed the two of them upstairs after they left. When McAllen came out of the bedroom where he had spoken with Marge, he hid, followed him to his study, and killed him.”
“What? No! I’m not so old I would own a tape player!” cries Adam Seanison as police officers rush into the crowd to take hold of him. “You can’t prove this! You can’t prove any of this!”
“Oh, really?” IRK Sadie Dufresne says. “Then how come every murder weapon came from one Ugh dot com, your former employer? Not only was it poetic–that you kill the man using some vestige of the career he killed for you–but it’s just about the only site you can afford to shop on anymore, now that you don’t have your lavish copywriter pay.”
______61
“Oh, you’ve made a big mistake, Sadie Dufresne!” cries Adam Seanison as the officers drag him away. “If ever you launch a line of crime fighting products, and if ever those products end up on a deal site, I will find a way to write the copy for it! And I will make it cutting! And sarcastic! And I will acknowledge the negative reviews! And I will comment on the mild tragedy that late capitalism would force someone so talented as yourself to stoop to such a level! And I will–”
His tirade fades as the officers muscle him out the door towards a waiting police cruiser.
To the rest of those assembled, Sadie Dufresne says, “You are free to leave. This case is closed.”
The end!
Or… is it?
_____62
“How’d it go, sir?” asks Michael.
He and the rest of the crew have loaded famed living statue Enrique LoQuard into the wooden box and brought him out to the moving truck. As usual, the three others ride up front, while Michael rides in the back with his employer.
“All according to plan,” comes Enrique LoQuard’s voice through the wood. “Another billionaire offed without any suspicion falling upon us.”
“The frame job went off without a hitch, then?” Michael says.
“Better than ever, I’d say,” Enrique LoQuard says. “The poor guy might even believe himself that he did it. I feel bad about that, of course. But what are you gonna do? Anyway, he didn’t have much going on.”
“Absolutely,” Michael says. “We have to keep the big picture plan in mind.”
“Speaking of,” Enrique LoQuard says, “who’s next?”
“You’re booked for a party at Larry McLarndale’s in two weeks. CEO of Larry’s Sammies, a sub-shop chain. About forty-thousand locations worldwide. Net worth north three bil,” Michael says.
“Two weeks isn’t long,” Enrique LoQuard says. “We’ll have to start planning right away. Give me the attendees from least suspicious to most.”
Michael begins listing all the expected guests.
The [actual] end!
Surprised no one tried to check ugh.com (it redirects to telepathy.com)
@pakopako And yet, strangely, it has nothing to do with telepathy.
What makes this is even more ironic is that they actually sell (if I understand them correctly) branding-related domain names.
True to the traditions of the original IRK, Sadie Dufresne–an Inspector of the Royal Knights order (shorthand - IRK) provided an unsatisfying resolution.