Thank You Cards?
8Certain events tend to come with a societal expectation of gift giving/receiving. Any event with the word "shower" in it is one of these. For these gifts, there is an expectation of a Thank You card or note to each person who gave a gift or did something to contribute.
These things drive me crazy. I find them out of place in the age of social media, texting, and phone calls. What's more, if you were there when I received the gift or kind gesture - I simply told you how much your efforts were appreciated. Why the dance afterwards with the card and the stamp? Does the fact that I knocked out a million TYC's with a hastily written list make my appreciation more genuine than when I looked you in the eye and said, "Thank you!"? Where do these things end? Do you have to answer a Thank You card with a You're Welcome post-it?
There are a few exceptions to this for me. My Grandmother will get a Thank You card for a gift or gesture, because I know she genuinely prefers to communicate via pen and parchment. Usually though, the card writing is a forced chore done simply to appease someone's (dated?) sense of decorum. Does that mean it's more appreciative, because I did something I find silly and wasteful?
MIBMMTIS
What are your thoughts on Thank You cards and other old-school etiquette requirements?
- 23 comments, 39 replies
- Comment
@Thumperchick
Where were you a little less than a decade ago when I wrote a couple of hundred thank you cards for something?!?
Although I think your stance would have been in the minority back then.
The bigger problem is expectations of society. Apparently, people expect to get a thank you card in the mail, which they'll look at once or twice before throwing it away, and forgetting several days later what it even said.
As society changes though, norms will shift. For instance; relatives have sent different invitations to events through email. While certain family members frowned upon that and REFUSED to go because it was emailed instead of mailed (to them it felt impersonal), other people were more accepting of it (not to mention we realized it saved the sender a couple of hundreds of dollars just from saving on stamps)...
I have more to say, but I need to find my drink. Stay tuned for part 2.
@FroodyFrog I am more likely to attend an event and be on time if there is an electronic event or email I can reference, rather than trying to keep track of a piece of paper.
This is enough of an issue for me that I would have been an hour late to my own baby shower, had my husband not corrected me as we were going to bed the night before. Party was at 1 pm, I had it as 2 pm in my mind and had been giving people the wrong time for a week. If there had been a fb event or similar, the problem never would have arisen.
@Thumperchick
I quit social media 1 1/2 years ago (and got all visible links to it from Google removed, but that's a story in itself) , so i don't have that "advantage".
Thankfully though, i do speak to a few people, who ask me if I'm going to certain events (they do the remembering for me). Otherwise, i just use services like Google Calendar or Google Keep.
I'm trying to decide for who's sake invitations are more important for; the sender or the recipient.
The reason why there's even a debate in my mind, is because a DIFFERENT relative sent out invitations which cost somewhere between $5 and $8 just for postage! Considering each side had a couple of hundred invitations to send...
Considering that most people have no use for a movie-reel shaped box, there's no reason to spend money like that.
At that stage, it's not even really considered personal or impersonal.
IT'S CALLED SHOWING OFF!!!
To tie this into your original post, if it's done a certain way, some people might appreciate it in the long run. (Well i MEANT to connect them...)
@FroodyFrog A bit of planning an event like a wedding is about showing off. It's weird right? People have a point of pride about their wedding (or similarly big life event party) and want to make sure people think it was "good" by some arbitrary standard. (Our invitations were pretty simple, but damnit, the Thank You cards matched! smh)
@Thumperchick
Whoops, mixed up two things inadvertently.
The invitations which cost $5 - $8 were for a different type of event.
Even though it was all 1 suffered sided, i still take issue with it, and considering that the valet parking left a box with champagne, cookies, and horrible chocolate (I'd imagine that the champagne and boxes were worth ~$50)...
I have a low tolerance for a number of things, but showing off is high on the list.
I think thank you notes are still relevant and important in certain situations, namely weddings, showers, and gifts that are mailed to you. Yes, in our digital world, it does seem like a throwback, but really, it's just showing courtesy and respect. Someone took the time (usually) to choose a gift for you and attend your event, the least you (general you) can do is send a note of thanks in return.
@PurplePawprints Mailed gifts = Thank you makes sense to me. Since you cannot show your gratitude to the sender in person.
IMHO/IME - They're appreciated more than you might believe, especially in today's world which sees less and less of them. Take every opportunity to bank the social collateral and send the notes snail mail - if you really want to build the bank, don't use pre-printed note cards. The balance you're building by doing this can never be too big.
Hell, I sent "thank you" notes to my ex-wife's side of the family the day after the divorce was final for everything they had done for us while we were married over the years - even if it was just borrowing a hand tool or them helping us with a move, etc., and even if they had been thanked before . . . I still to this day can count on some of them as true friends (as in they'd mortgage their house to bail me out without thinking twice or even bother asking what I'd done - it wouldn't matter), and they probably wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire . . .
Send the notes.
@Pavlov the notes get sent. I don't bitch or share my mild annoyance at TYC's to people who expect them, either. I just find it odd.
ETA - The small gestures of gratitude are huge to some people. This part, I absolutely understand! I tend to show that gratitude with an action, or direct gesture - as I prefer those methods to a note. However; for some things - like this type of event - it is the note that is valued by some, more than I find makes sense outside of an idea of decorum.
@Thumperchick
As my grandmother would have said: "I can't argue that, I may not understand it, but I can cater to it".
Biggest funeral I've ever been to - in a town of 25,000, 1/8th of them showed up. Aside from her obituary, she never once made the news.
@Pavlov That is exactly why I'm still sending them. It's a great way to put it.
@Pavlov Classy
Things they are a changin, and I don't think for the better. When you expect a person to put in the effort to think of you, take their time to get you a gift, pick out a card, spend their money on you, show up to your event to support you. Is it really so terribly hard for you as the recipient of their time and efforts, to have to go out of your way and spend your time and efforts and money on a stamp to write a thank you note?? It is the polite and gracious thing to do. Appreciation for the folks that are there for you. This applies to everyone. Folks need to be thoughtful of each other. I guess, if sending out thank you notes from social events is outdated,, maybe the whole gift giving at these events should also be outdated. Just an old lady's opinion .........
@mick This is where it gets muddy for me. While gift giving is a general expectation for those types of events - it's not a given, nor do I expect it.
Does the party-goer who showed up and supported me/us not deserve a thank you for their time in celebrating with us? Does the output of money alone warrant this favor? It seems unbalanced. The party itself is an invitation to be happy with us.
If we're talking tit for tat with time and effort - the money and time spent on the party itself often outpaces any material goods received as a gift. So if you're going to tally it up like that - the party is a gift to family and friends. Some of those people choose to reciprocate with a gift, some with genuine affection, some not at all - none of those require a written note.
Taking the time to say thank you and show appreciation is a necessity. My only question is why the written/mailed form is considered the best way to do this.
The passive insinuation of my perceived lack of gratitude was unnecessary.
I just think it's a nice thing to do. I also like to get them. I like mail, and cards and paper. No complicated motives or Emily Post's opinion. It's a personal connection. Important I think , perhaps more in this day and age than ever.
(I'm answering the original post in general terms, and am not aiming it at the original writer. While I'm disclaiming, I should also add I haven't read all the comments posted before mine. It's 7am here, and I haven't yet gotten any sleep.)
There are a lot of us who don't use social media, which many of us consider to be an impersonal way to thank folks who've done something as personal as taking time and energy to buy a gift for someone. If I buy a gift for someone, I expect an honest-to-goodness official thank you note, simply because it completes a social transaction.
I'm willing to accept an email, although some stalwarts, such as my BFF (the mother of my faux niece), still think a gift requires a genuine, hand-written, not-a-printed-card thank-you note. The child was guided on writing thoughtful notes at an early age, and at age 18 she's really good at expressing her pleasure for a gift. I've saved a lovely and treasured stack of her notes.
For gifts that have to be mailed or delivered, a thank-you note is also confirmation that the package arrived safely.
I've sent thank-you notes to folks who've offered their guest room while I'm in their town and to neighbors who dropped off casseroles when I was mourning the death of my father. And one to the teenage neighbor who, unbidden, walked his mower over to tend to my over-grown yard and then quietly returned home. Unexpected kindnesses like his deserve the recognition of a sincere note.
I like the new trend of wives and husbands sharing the wedding-gift and new-baby thank-you's.
The formality of a written note is, in fact, old school. Nevertheless, it is still the considerate and appropriate thing to do, even if one personally thanked the giver at the door.
Or perhaps at 68 I'm just more curmudgeonly than I realized.
@magic_cave well said, kudos
@tHumperChick Not to take away from your original question, but I've also been wondering about TYC (or notes as I tend to call them). With our miserably crappy year, I'm not sure who all I should be sending a TYC to! My sister says I don't need to send them at all bc no one expects them; my mom indicates that they are appropriate for some (most?) people who helped us in any way but not for her or my siblings or my dad necessarily. At the beginning (of summer and all our troubles), I was sending them out within a week but now I'm at over a month...how long is too long to wait to send them? And what about people who've helped us out repeatedly...do I send a TYC for each occurrence? It's gotten entirely too complicated for me and I'm utterly "lost in the sauce" as DH would say.
@nhbillups - I'll throw in my unsolicited advice on your TYC dilemma(s).
For the times when people go out of their way to help, with no one watching, I love the personal touch of a handwritten note. No one expecting them is true, but that doesn't make them mean less if they are sent.
I know that while my oldest sister would consider a TYC a declaration of war (we're weird.) - my other siblings LOVE them! (As we're spread out across the country and unlikely to see each other.) So I'd send them to family. Especially since you all know each other at your best and worst - it's nice to show some love when they've stepped up that extra bit to make your life easier.
For someone who helped you - there is no "too late" to send a heartfelt thank you. Ever. You never know, maybe 2 years later, you remember what they did, sit down and write that note, send it, and help them feel better about their day/life/self - thus repaying some of the kindness shown to you. There is no expiration date on gratitude.
For the people who helped you multiple times, one note/card is more than appropriate.
@Thumperchick Advice was definitely being solicited and I'm grateful for it; thank you! I needed some clarity.
@thumperchick Signed sealed and Postal delivered, is a MUST (unless you hand deliver, then you get bonus points) but yes... Thank you cards are the least... And within a decent amount of time.
@thumperchick Ok, this topic has guilted me - I'll send out some thank-you's today.
Hate TY cards. We call to thank when we receive something in the mail. For our friends we have a no TY card policy. Would rather say thank you live, in person or on the phone any day!
@cbilyak There is something impersonal(?) about getting a 1 of 50 cranked out thank you cards for an event - it feels forced to me. I too, prefer the conversation.
One of the great benefits of the wife and I eloping was that we didn't have to send TYC's to anyone. We never registered for gifts, didn't ask for anything at all, and did the entire thing on our own.
Crap, I should probably send my wife a TYC for all her help...and you know, for putting up with me.
@MEHcus You should.
@MEHcus One of my favorite things my other half has ever done is a year of flowers. Once a month, for an entire year, he would surprise me with a random bouquet. They weren't the crazy expensive ones - just $5-$20 depending on what was out there - but that gesture was such a great representation of how he's always thinking of ways to show his affection - that it will remain my favorite expression for a long time. It beats out the jewelry. It beats the big gestures.
TLDR - that TYC idea could be one of those gestures for you and your wife. I'd do it!
off topic. @Thumperchick, under the thread title, why's it say "Thumperchick busted out the gifs ..." when there were no gifs?
@carl669 I was just wondering the same thing. So thank you for asking. If I had your address I would send you a thank you card.
@carl669 I got your gif right here Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarl
@MrMark but then i'd have to send a thank you for the thank you card and a vicious circle would begin that would eventually lead to the implosion of all space/time. so, let's just give each other the secret meh breakfast octopus hand gesture and call it a day, shall we?
@lichme
@carl669
@carl669 That's really, really weird. Perhaps the forum parsing is just used to me speaking with gifs instead of words...
Instead of sending "Thank You" notes for my wifes baby shower, we took some newborn photos, stuck them on a customized birth announcement, and wrote a line or two on the back of the announcement with a thank you for the specific gifts each person gave. It there was no gift, it was more of a thank you for attending.
Some people will still end up throwing them out, but it is more likely to end up on a fridge for a while if it has a personal touch.
Walgreens type places always have coupon codes for discounted photo prints.
@lichme I'd happily do this, if our EDD weren't 2 months away. That type of thank you feels more personal and appropriate for a baby shower, but with the date that far out - someone will be offended that we didn't send a card in a "timely" manner.
Every time I see any discussion of issues like this, inevitably accompanied by someone saying that all of civilization is going down the shitter because folks just don't do things they way they used to, golldernit--the way they oughter, the way God intended--something rises up inside me.
I'm not opposed to thank-you cards. We sent them after our weddings, I think (yeah, I'll be honest, I've been the least organized and least punctual in both my marriages; and that's saying something in my current, because we're both--I like to say "adorably"--scattered). I often send them after job interviews (when I'm the interviewee). My problem is that if I'm going to send a note or a card, I feel the need to say things; I think we all know where that goes for me.
I'm a big fan of etiquette. It's a way of considering and honoring each other. Etiquette, as I think I remember Miss Manners saying once (yeah, I even read and listen to that shit), is just a way of ensuring that we're nice to each other.
But like any ritual or habitual practice (like religion, for instance) customs change and I'd argue that they should. And the point isn't the act, it's that thing that the act is meant to embody. In this case, obviously enough, gratitude and appreciation in its multitude of senses; but also recognition and respect.
By all means, do whatever you feel appropriately expresses your acknowledgment, respect, gratitude and appreciation for those who celebrated your union with you. If you think a card does that--indeed, if you think that it will be particularly well-received and it's what you feel like doing--do it.
On the other hand, such gestures often come across as (and because they often are) obligatory formalities. So there's that to consider.
There are dozens--yea verily thousands, millions--of personal, meaningful ways to express these noble human sentiments. You don't need to be bound to one.
And anyone who rigidly expects (read "demands") a written thank-you note therein manifests their own problems, and if the nature of your relationship will be significantly changed if, for whatever reason, that note isn't forthcoming, you might be better off without them.
Let's be honest, too: many "gestures of kindness" are variously self-serving. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but IMO it subverts the silly conceit that our rituals are intrinsically noble and/or selflessly sacrificial.
I'm all for showing each other that we care. But I'm likewise in favor of the species evolving and, if you will, growing up--beyond its totems, taboos and other relics.
If you want to know how I feel about religion, grammar, et al., see above.
@joelmw TLDR: Do whatever you feel appropriately expresses your acknowledgment, respect, gratitude and appreciation for those who celebrated your union with you
@lichme What you said.
@lichme
@joelmw
This is exactly what I mean. It's not the act of doing something to show gratitude - it's that it is expected to be done in just this one way. Your verbosity has more eloquently stated my point than I did last night. Thank you! (Do you need a stamp?)
@Thumperchick I think the way you said it might have been better. And thank you. Please, no cards or stamps; I'll just feel guilty.
You should play some Animal Crossing.
For those wondering - I did bow to tradition and got all of those cards written out and addressed. While I find the tradition dated and due for a shift, many people are invested in it. I can appreciate that and show the courtesy to oblige them. I also sent them to folks who attended without a gift - as I believe that effort is just as worthy of noting and appreciating. (Why do we only send them to gift givers?)
A few of you mentioned "pre-printed" TYCs and I was confused until I realized you meant the cards that have some sort of pre-printed message inside - thus removing any and all personal touch from the entire process. Those are weird to me. I get them from some businesses and find them an utter waste of trees. I'd rather get a group text at 8 am than a pre-printed card.
On that note, since I'm ranting about this again...
It's odd to me when people list out every piece of a gift in the card. I strongly prefer to pick out the part(s) that really stood out and go from there. The formula of, "Hey (guest), Thank you for the a, b, c, d, e, f, g you got us. Love ~TC" is almost as lame as a printed card. Am I alone in this thought?
Now I just need a shit ton of stamps and to remember to send them out!
@Thumperchick I've thought about this for a couple days now and read all this post. Almost everyone here made very valid points and gave me lots to think about. Some said what I thought but said it in a much better way. Some said things I never even thought of. You are probably right and hand written TY notes are outdated and obsolete. But, they are still very nice to receive and I am sure your older guests will be very happy that you sent them. Getting old, so many , many changes, it's honestly exhausting...... ..
TYC have their uses - to the interviewer, to the friend/relative who you know appreciates them because they send them out, to the masses who attend and bring gifts to your wedding but not, necessarily, those who also come the reception. (I figure if I'm paying for you to booze it up, that more than compensates for the blender you dropped off on the table. I'll send those folks an email with a link to the pics of them falling into Aunt Bessie's bosom)
I always disliked the duty associated with TYC, especially when I had thanked the person to their face, but it was drilled into me as a child. So, for many decades I always had a twinge of guilt when I didn't send one for something that fell into the "you should send a card" category. (A somewhat fluid category, as Thumperchick seems to recognize)
Hence, the advent of email, Amazon deliveries, and social media relieved my guilt and also, raised the value and uniqueness of a hand written TYC. Expectations of TYC are mostly driven now by folks over 40 and/or traditions associated with events, like weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Still, I haven't gotten a TYC for attending those kinds of events for years and years and years. No complaint here!
Now I appreciate that a TYC can be a gift all by itself to the right person, simply because they aren't as common as they used to be.
I still send them - not so much for a gift but more for something I'm really thankful for, or to someone I know will be surprised and touched by them. That narrows the field down a lot. Oh, and the interviewers, always the interviewers....
Good manners never go out of style. Without firm social traditions we would be nothing but druggie white trash. Just sayin.
@cranky1950 That's the strangest assumption. Writing card is not the only thing holding us back from addiction and poor socio-economic status. At least, it's not the only thing holding me back... if you're that close, maybe step back and evaluate more than your "manners" lest you forget one card and end up on an episode of COPS.
@cranky1950
Since we're on the topic of manners, "just sayin" is one of the most passive aggressive phrases to be birthed from our language. (This isn't just to pick on you, my crankypants.) It's like the half-assed emoticon or "j/k" after saying something hurtful. It doesn't change the thing that was just said, or soften it in any way. What it means is, "I want to express my opinion that is probably rude, hurtful, offensive, etc. - but I don't want to be responsible for having said it, so I'm going to sideline it in the hopes that it negates anyone's ability to call me out on my bullshit."
Oh, I forgot, winky face heart teary laugh j/k
@Thumperchick Thank you for just saying that! It bothers me on two levels, passive aggressive rudeness and redundancy. Both equally criminal.
@Thumperchick IMO/IME it isn't always meant that way. Just sayin'.
@Pavlov
@Pavlov By all means, provide me with examples of how this is used in a non-passive aggressive manner. I would love to not have my eyes auto-roll when I see it.
@jaremelz My favorite version of this usage is "clearly racist comment, j/s" ಠ_ಠ
@Thumperchick I really love when it's used to point out perceived correctness above all other opinions, as if that somehow makes them fact.
Oh wait, that's every time.
@Thumperchick When it is used / intended to be self-deprecating (comically) or when used intentionally for effect colloquially. I was going to keep the "just sayin'" antagonism going a little while but from the tenor of the replies it is probably best left alone.
@Pavlov It may be a personal reading in it, I find even the intended self deprecation usage to be disingenuous or, at best, socially awkward. It's still being used to remove responsibility for the consequences of what was said, just for less obnoxious reasons.
I have friends that love to rib me about this and often make it a point to use it in new and ridiculous ways, in the hopes of getting a rise out of me. There have been some entertaining moments out and about as a result. When it's being used to directly poke fun at my annoyance, I have an appreciation for the term - as it reminds me to chill the fuck out. Sometimes. Maybe.
I was thrown a Bridal Shower before I got married. If the person was there when I opened the gift, I didn't send a note. I thanked them in person. For the couple people who didn't attend but sent a gift, I wrote a TYC.
Since no one was there when we opened our wedding gifts, I sent a note to everyone who gave a gift. I didn't do any of the "thanks for attending" stuff. I think I talked to and took pictures with all 80 people, so I felt like that was enough.
That's what I do - If someone isn't there when I receive the gift, I send a thank you. If they're there, I only send a thank you in extreme cases... Of which I think there has been one case.
I think we just need to make sure everyone feels appreciated. TYCs also serve as a receipt for sent gifts. I hate not knowing if someone really received what I sent them.
The rule when I was a kid that if you did not write a nice thank you note you did not get to keep the present. My nephew (probably 5th or 6th grade at the time) once sent me a hilarious one. He wrote something along the lines of "I am sorry this thank you note is so late. I am really good at procrastination. I practice it a lot." Loved it. Gave it to my sister to save for him for when he was adult enough he'd appreciate having it back.
Thank you notes were always a rule for me growing up, but I feel the protocol of them just detracts from any genuine sentiment. So I'll send thank you notes and always include a life saver.. cause thank you, you're a life saver. I made some resin life saver key chains when I was really thankful... and am happy to send a thank you note for general occasions...That said, I don't send them for everything ever because that says you're obligated not thankful IMHO.
Although I have a rough time with them, I try to make the kids write them for each event and item (regardless of the person's attendance). I hope that this helps to instill some appreciation for what is given to them and also make them realize that nothing in life is free. Many of the people don't expect a thank you card, but getting a handwritten one from a child is a sure-fire way to brighten someones day. I also try to write them for my gifts, but typically I will call/text/email to show my appreciation (but sometimes I just don't feel it's as personal as the gift the other person purchased for me/us.