My Mother
53Almost 10 years ago I lost my Pop to brain cancer. This week I said goodbye to my mother. If you had told me in my early twenties that both my parents would be gone before I hit forty, I’d think you were crazy. You feel like your parents will be around forever.
My mom started getting sick over two years ago. She’s been through some terrible shit. When everything started, she was still working as a nurse doing admissions paperwork at a skilled nursing facility. She had moved in with me for about a year after she moved out from taking care of her mother for three years. She lived with me for about a year until she found an apartment close by. She wasn’t even there a year and things unfolded really quickly. Her doctor had done scans and didn’t really find much wrong. One day she calls and asks me to take her to the hospital because she thinks she had a stroke. They didn’t find evidence. They sent her home. A few days later I had a really bad feeling and couldn’t get her on the phone. I go to her place and she’s passed out on the floor. I call paramedics. This is where everything really goes down hill.
To condense over two years down, I’m going to make this as short as possible.
She ended up with septicemia. Blood infection. Home IVs for months. Then she had a hematoma outside of her hip. Doctor said it could kill her if they didn’t cut it out. So they cut it out. Then later they put several drains in because it wasn’t healing right. Then she ended up with osteomyelitis, bone infection. Seriously terrible infection. The infection ended up breaking her pelvis and snapping the head of her femur off. Meanwhile now she’s on more antibiotics. We’ve had to move her stuff from her apartment into storage and move her back into my house when she’s not at a hospital, or a rehab. During this whole ordeal, they keep giving her blood transfusions. They never tell me that they had found a disease in her stomach making her bleed. Eventually as I sit with a GI after an endoscopy, he asks me why we aren’t treating this disease. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and she’s had two different endoscopies and they never mentioned the disease. So we start treating the cause of the bleeding. Now on top of everything, her liver is failing. She has cirrhosis. I think her liver completely gave up with all the antibiotics. The liver was a thing her doctor had first checked when she said she felt sick. The disease in her stomach is a side effect due to cirrhosis.
She’s constantly in and out of hospitals, is wheelchair bound, and has had several hundred transfusions. At one point I drive her an hour to a different hospital system so she can have her infected leg/hip looked at. They agree to go in and clean out the infection. They say that they wouldn’t dare try to reconstruct it because it was so damaged and my mom’s immune system is so compromised.
Things are tough. Being a caregiver was really hard. They do another surgery on my Mom to try and slow the stomach bleeding. They put in a shunt through her liver. It seems to work. She sees a hepatologist in Miami after waiting six months for this appointment and is told that her liver is of no concern at this time.
A while goes by. Things start to deteriorate again. After seeing her primary doctor several times and getting stuck in the hospital much more often, the primary gets a hold of the hepatologist. End up getting an appointment a week later. They look at her most recent blood work and how terrible she looks that day and say they are going to check her into the hospital. They start testing her for a possible liver transplant. They move her to the next hospital after a week.
My mom never left. She spent a month in Miami. She was actually hopeful for the future after not seeing much hope for a long time.
She was in one of the ICU wards for most of the time she was there. They moved her to a regular room when she was doing better. They broke her rib. She almost bled to death that night. They did surgery to stop the bleeding. She never woke up. She was sedated and on pain medication. Her body couldn’t recover. It looked like she was doing better, but then she started to bleed like crazy again amongst other things. We made the decision to slowly remove support because she wouldn’t of wanted to stay on support. Her body just couldn’t take any more.
I saw her awake the day they had to do surgery. She was glad to see me and grabbed my arm and wouldn’t let go. That was the last time I got to talk with her.
At first I was glad she was in Miami. She was where she needed to be. Due to someone’s carelessness, she’s now gone.
I’m absolutely heartbroken.
She was kind. She was funny. She sacrificed so much to take care of us as kids. When she was going back to college for her RN license, she worked three jobs. My parents had hard lives and died way too young.
Here’s a couple of photos over the years:
With my Pop. Late 70s or early 80s.
Me and my mom when I was in highschool.
At universal together several years ago.
I’m sure I’ll add more photos this weekend as I collect them for her service.
If you want to donate towards it, my PayPal is my username at Gmail. Don’t feel obligated, please.
I’m back at my house. I’m trying to hold it together. I went to the grocery store last night and cried the whole time since I won’t have to shop for her anymore. I have an entire bedroom and storage unit of her stuff that I have to take care of. I can’t afford the storage. I also can’t mentally deal with everything right now. I was barely able to type this all out. I think it’s taken me an hour or more.
I’ll eventually be ok. Right now I’m just broken.
I love you Mom. I hope Pop is taking care of you. I hope all the animals ran up to greet you. I know you are no longer in pain. You can walk again.
My brother and I will miss you.
Edit with more photos:
https://meh.com/forum/topics/my-mother#5cec6f69cd63e20b60465eff
- 36 comments, 3 replies
- Comment
Thank you for sharing the photos and story about your mom. I am so sorry for your loss. {gentle hugs}
Hey Riot, sorry about your Mom. From the pictures she looked like she was an awesome Mom with even better kids. It’s been a long, hard road so let yourself grieve even for a minute.
Wow, this has been a very tough time for you and your family. Thanks for letting us know. I hope you’re able to enjoy the memories of the good times - that Harry Potter photo looks like it was a lot of fun.
She is beautiful and sounds like such a gorgeous soul. Thank you for sharing your story and the photos, it can really help with the process. That she was awake and so happy to see you right before I am sure gave her such comfort, and will hopefully do the same for you as you reflect in the years to come. I also lost my mom before I was 40 and the thought had never crossed my mind it could happen, we really do think they will be there forever. It does get better, even if it does not seem that it will. I am here you if you ever need an email chat or a long distance hug.
Virtual hugs sent your way. Prayers as well.
Thanks for sharing with us, RD. I’m very sorry you’re having to deal with this.
I’m so very sad to hear about your mother, and I hope for healing for your heart, as time passes. Know that you have people here that care, and that you will be in my thoughts.
This is incredibly sad and making the decision you had to make is so awful to have to do (our family had to do that with my brother and it takes so much time to really wrap your brain around that so don’t beat yourself up). All the malpractice that went on that caused this ultimate outcome is just horrible, truly a nightmare for you and your mom. I am sorry you are now an orphan. I hope you have people in your life to help you through these hard months to come.
You have my deepest sympathies. I lost my father 4 years ago and I lost my stepfather just a few weeks ago. Both were difficult and involved a lot of pain and difficult decisions so I truly understand how hard this is. Knowing what we know of you here and that you are a reflection of your mother, it’s quite obvious she was a wonderful mom and human being. Working in healthcare in a hospital gives me the opportunity to observe and speak to so many patients and their families. You are far from alone in what you have gone through. Your meh family is here for you, do not hesitate to reach out to us. Hugs!
@@riotdeamon, I am so very sorry for your loss. Know that your mom is no longer suffering and I am sure she is back with your dad having a wonderful time.
Take some time for yourself and I am sending you a big hug and prayers/juju/positive vibes
oh RD, I’m so sorry… she sounds like she was a wonderful mom and you two had a great relationship. I know it’s so hard but I am so glad she had you for all this, so lucky. Try to be good to yourself as much as you can and just take one day at a time as hard as they may be. Thank you for letting us know. Totally thinking of you.
The stuff your mom (and you, etc.) went through sounds horrible and I wish there was something I could do to help make things better.
About all I can say is that, for me, the passage of time has helped me deal with the holes in my life left by the deaths of my parents and it will likely help you as well, though it is definitely not a quick or complete fix.
February 2020 will be 45 years since my father’s when I was 11 and 30 years since my mother’s death when I was 26. While now fairly rare, I still have occasional bouts of anger over the initial misdiagnosises(?) that certainly shortened his and likely shortened her life.
More frequently though, something will remind me that he or she never got to X or that they would have loved to have helped me with Y. The passage of time has changed these from mostly bitter and frustrating to usually bittersweet and merely sad.
If nothing else, know that I and others are thinking of you.
@RiotDemon so sorry for your loss; like you I had to try to be comforted that my Mom had to be happier after her passing than she had been for several years before.
I’ll echo what others have said; take some time for yourself. Get out for a few days if you can. We didn’t try to do anything beyond mandatory paperwork and financial things for a while before trying to deal with my parents’ belongings. It helped.
Prayers for you and your Mom.
I am so sorry for your loss
That is a traumatic chain of events for all of you to go thru. She is at peace, and now you must do what you can to heal yourself. Time is usually the key ingredient here. That and knowing that she would want you to go on and live your life to the fullest. That is what would make her happy. My prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.
Oh, @RiotDemon, I’m heartbroken for you, just reading the ordeal you and your Mom went through. Many prayers heading your way.
My parents passed away 5 1/2 years ago, 50 days apart. My Dad, less than 24 hours after getting an extensive exam and a clean bill of health from a very prestigious medical institution. My Mom, due to the best medicine for her cancer no longer being produced - it was “too expensive” to manufacture. My frustration and anger are at least tempered in that I got to tell each of them I loved them (and vice versa) on the day that they left.
Your Mom loved you, and she knew you loved her, and that’s worth more than anything.
@mehcuda67 I’m so sorry your mother was a victim of profits over people. Capitalism at its finest.
My heart breaks for you.
She was a beautiful lady and so are you. She blessed a lot of lives i am sure. Remember to take care of yourself as you take care of her for this final time.
I lost my father at 3 and my mom at 27. I’m 53 now. Momma was 76 and had end stage emphysema, so it wasn’t a surprise. Daddy was only 54 and a single car accident in Fresno took his life, and almost mine as well. Both losses still take my legs out from under me at times.
Big gentle hugs.
Words cannot express the dismay I felt reading what you and your mom had to go through.
I’m very sorry you had to go through this, @riotdemon.
RD, I don’t have words. So sorry for your loss is inadequate. Hugs and warm thoughts headed your way.
I’m glad you have a place to “journal” your frustrations In a place you knew the community would understand and support you.
It was clear from your write-up that you could have gone on endlessly about how great she is and how much you love each other. Both the sorrow and the love/joy are important to reflect on as you can in your own time and place.
Prayers and hugs.
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.
@RiotDemon:
I read your note in the middle of last night, at the time surrounded by local and immediate trivial urgencies.
Now is the first chance I’ve had to say anything I had the time to think about.
Your mom sounds like she was such a wonderful person, so strong and self-reliant for so long.
And now she, you, and your family have endured what sounds like 2 years of near hell in terms of misdiagnosis and or poor direction from the medical people she relief on.
Even before her last crisis you all must have been completely exhausted.
And now she’s gone.
And those who remain living and who loved her best are left with huge pieces of their hearts torn out.
And now you must all endure the full weight of shock and grief. And that will exhaust you also;
and the grief will, if things are typical, go on and on and on. Years. Tho supposedly it changes in quality and intensity for most of us.
Till you might want the grief to let you be for a moment, so that you can have a normal hour or sleep a normal sleep. Except that even after much time we don’t really want that. Not just yet.
I lost someone in the family 5 years ago. The first years were intense. I wanted to feel all that grief because it was all I had left.
If I let the grief go, or didn’t “feel it”, I would be “over it” and I didn’t want to be “over it”. I wanted to keep that last emotional vestige, even if it hurt.
And then the third year after the loss was transitional I guess. Things started going back toward normal. And now things are kinda normal, whatever that is.
The whole thing was grueling. And I think that’s pretty common.
And there are so many parts of the grieving that no one ever shares. It’s a very solitary trudge.
I changed. Some. So did various family members. We matured a little perhaps.
[Or is that just a personal delusion?
: )]
I suppose we were built for this. To live in “real time and place” and not in some Utopia we might imagine.
To love for real. And to lose. For real.
And all that emotion that comes with death and loss tears one’s soul for so long;
even if there is no legal and financial estate with assets and debts to resolve.
The estate just means yet another cause of endless decisions and endless fatigue.
You may wind up wondering if you will ever feel anything beyond darkly exhausted for the rest of your life.
Simple things you have enjoyed: you may perhaps wonder you will ever really care about them again.
But you will: Feel other things. Care about small things you like. After much time.
And the strong bond you shared with your mom will not mean less to you then. When the first and the second and when the eleventh and the hundredth stages of various griefs and exhaustions have started to let go of you.
You will have learned to carry the loss and the change. Without ceasing to love. Without loving less.
Because - we have to.
So all of this just sounds pompous, I suppose. Like I know something.
I don’t know anything.
Well. That’s not quite quite true.
I know that your mom had some wonderful and amazing qualities.
And so do you.
Possibly those two facts are connected in some way. Ya think? Maybe?
I’m so so so sorry to hear this. It hurts to think about it, even from here.
Please take as much time, even if just in moments, as much you can afford, for the next while:
just to be selfish, for yourself and your family.
And please stay close to those who give you strength.
If people give you strength, that’s just a recycling of all the strength that you have given so freely, to them and to us, after all.
so very, very sorry @Riotdemon. many thoughts and hugs to you and your family.
I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. Warmest thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
My mother died when I was 6 and my father died when I was 12. After you pass through the worst of your grieving, feel grateful that you had your mother for as long as you did. She taught you many valuable lessons to pass on. She has passed the baton to you and now you can help others with the wisdom she (and your father) have given you. There was a purpose she was such a wonderful person and taught you so much. It was so you could now pass the strength you learned from her on to others. Although you miss her like crazy, remember she is happy. Death is only an enemy to the living who miss them. She is happy and with your father. In the end, the amount of time we are left without them is a “blink of an eye” compared to the time we will be spending with them later in eternity.
So, so sorry. I, too, struggled with what to say. After reading @f00l, nothing more to add. Just know that you are beloved and whatever you need, we’re here for you. Jville is only a few hours road trip for me…
Oh… my. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Caretaking is difficult but when the loss happens, the care taking doesn’t seem so bad. I pray that you can focus on those things that bring you peace and comfort.
Wow! What an amazing community. I love you guys!
@RiotDemon I am so sorry to learn of all the trials you have been through. I hope that you have a group of family and friends that will comfort you during your grieving. And I am so glad that you can always come here where we know you. I’m sure that each of us in our own way is praying for you, I know I am.
It was a shock to me the day I woke up to realize I was suddenly the “older generation” in my family, and decades later it still feels strange when I think about it, but it has become more matter-of-fact over time. Now the things I learned from grandpas and grandmas and Mom and Dad make a lot more sense, so I try to pass them on to the kids, grandkids and great-grandkids. I guess that’s what family tradition and legacy are all about.
I’m certain that your Mom left you with many little lessons as she loved you and led you through life. The flow of life is bittersweet, but trust in the fact that the bitter fades but the sweetness persists and grows. I pray that your grief will become fond memories.
I want to thank everyone that has commented on this thread. It hasn’t been easy this week. The thread has brought many tears to my eyes. A lot of really kind comments. Thank you so much.
For the people that donated, I put the money towards her cremation urn. I really appreciate it. Every dollar has helped.
Me and my brother tried to have a little semblance of normality this weekend. He came to visit. We had dinner together Saturday night and breakfast Sunday morning. We saw a movie. Then we went to her storage unit looking for photos. It was sad. Looking at so many things. We found some items that my mom had kept as mementos of my Pop. The saddest thing was a card he had made for her after they attempted to cut out his brain cancer. It almost killed him then and left him with a lot of damage. Unfortunately he only lived about 3 months afterwards. The card was the last wedding anniversary card he’d ever write. My mom never loved another man after my father died. She was so heartbroken that he was gone.
There’s so many photos that I have now. I honestly feel like I need to honor my mother by hanging them all in my hallway. We lived in a condo once and the hallway was lined with photos of me and my brother’s school photos.
When I lived in Norway, she had lined the basement hallway with comic cutouts.
Hallways tend to be pretty boring. I figure if I do this, anyone needing to use the guest bathroom gets something interesting to look at.
Here’s a couple more photos.
Her graduating, getting her RN license.
The two of us at Universal. That was a fun year. We bought season passes since they were super cheap and it brings back fond memories.
Her service will be Saturday.
I’m so sorry. I’m in that group of losing my parents young (I was early 30s). Gather strength from the people who love you. My mom started saying this right before she went, “keep looking up!” I pray you find comfort and joy in the memories of what sounds like an awesome woman!
I am so sorry for your loss.
So sorry to hear this- your mom sounds like an amazing lady.
So very sorry, sounds like she was an incredible woman. You are incredible for taking such good care of her.
Sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like she lived the life she wanted in that she poured out her love into you and you treasured it. As a parent myself, the appreciation you receive from your children for the hard work you pour into them is all the reward we need.
While nothing can take away the sorrow from the loss of a parent, I’m sure she knew and felt all the love you have for her. She sounds like the kind of mama that would want you to miss her, but she’d want you to pick yourselves back up and go enjoy life after mourning. I’m sure she’d be honored and brought to tears by the way you speak of her. She really must’ve been an awesome mother.
As you’ve heard throughout this thread-thank you for sharing, I’m so sorry for your loss, and she sounds like an amazing lady.
Know that the hole in your heart and the pain that you feel will never go away, but you will adjust to them as the new normal.
Just put one foot in front of the other and do what you need to do step by step to get through the things that need to be done.
Hold tightly onto those that you still have here to hold onto. And honor your mother by being the strong woman she taught you to be.
You are not alone; you are surrounded by love. For that, be grateful.
Big hugs and best wishes. Be well and know that we are behind you.
This has been really tough.
I spoke at her service. I held it together until I walked up to the podium. Luckily I was able to pause my crying long enough to say what I had to say. I was told afterwards that what I had to say really brought out emotions in people. Luckily two of her sisters spoke afterwards and told some good stories that made people laugh. It lightened the mood a lot.
Going back to work last week sucked. Telling the story over and over again was tough. I broke down and cried a few times. Now I’m mostly just angry about everything.
My brother came up this weekend and we started with the basics. I threw away all the flowers from the funeral that died. Just another reminder. I absolutely lost it when I was cleaning out the drawer next to where her chair is. The amount of hospital bands I threw away started it. There was a sympathy card in the drawer. Unsigned and unaddressed. Reading it brought tears. I told my brother that it was weird that it was in there. Turns out she wanted to give it to me when my cat passed away. In the end, it felt like it was her way of saying goodbye to me.
This hurts.
@RiotDemon I am so sorry sweetie. Death is always difficult and there is really nothing I can say that will help. Please take things one day at a time and continue to take time for yourself. It will get better. Big hug!
@RiotDemon There is no easy way through this… I am sorry you are having to walk this path.