Ok my fellow meh singles how are you dealing with trying to date in pandemic? Has anyone gone on dates? I got the vaccine and as such now and ready to get a kiss ok and I could use a lot more.
Pandemic singles advice?
i’ve done a couple video dates and then gone on actual dates based off those. the restaurants here are only 50% capacity and the three i’ve been to actually have people well spaced. if the weather was warmer, i’d also suggest just putting some booze in a water bottle and going for a walk. moscow mules travel pretty well.
it’s really about what risk level you’re willing to tolerate and the risk you’d bring to others. i already worked from home (pre-pandemic) and i’m not around any highly vulnerable groups. i so rarely go out that progressive emailed me thinking their little snapshot device wasn’t working when my car didn’t move for a week. so, i’m ok going places some extent. i still wear my mask going in/out of the place and whenever i leave the table.
I thought about starting to date shortly before the pandemic… And then I didn’t. I’m just not ready to date a bunch of people that probably aren’t taking precautions and I hate video chatting. I don’t even video chat friends.
I’ll just stay a hermit and continue to be single for now.
@heartny I’m in for three slightly past their prime packs. Even accounting for the moldy slices, I’ll save over $130 compared with some Amazon seller’s price for a similar item!
I’m in for three slightly past their prime packs. Even accounting for the moldy slices, I’ll save over $130 compared with some Amazon seller’s price for a similar item!
Only three? I figure I saved somewhere in the vicinity of $800 on this lot.
@heartny@ruouttaurmind Well look at you with your fancy name-brand singles… Wouldn’t you be more comfortable shopping at the more uppity sites… like woot?
As a relatively newly single “senior citizen”, dating pre-pandemic was problematic already. I totally gave up at this point.
The older you get the shallower the dating pool gets, and heaven forbid you tell someone no, our first date will not be me cooking dinner for you at my place BEFORE the pandemic. Now, they are now twice as dense as to why I don’t want a stranger entering my home AND having me cook dinner for them. It doesn’t matter I still have over 30 lbs of pasta left over from the Pasta Drop.
@Faffs omg! I’ve heard about this weird phenomenon where people (usually guys) ask their date to cook for them! WTF is that? I’m assuming it’s so they are in your house and they think it’ll be easier to get laid.
@Faffs@RiotDemon I’m definitely not in the senior citizen category but I’d much rather hang out at home/make dinner than go out. In general. Nothing to do with getting laid. Or pandemic.
I would assume that would be a weird thing to ask a woman over for a first date though. Something something murderers and some of the stuff in the entryway like the jack stands and the ax and transmission fluid might require explanation. They are all going to be relocated to the garage. I’d be cleaning up.
Women I’ve dated I was friends with. Or worked/volunteered with. Had a reason to talk to that led somewhere. Idk. Haven’t done the whole talking for the singular purpose of dating thing.
@RiotDemon@unksol Not even ask me to their house! They assumed they would come to MY place, for a change of their scenery. No thanks, I am perfectly fine in my own scenery, no need to wear something other than sweats and scrounge a meal from the freezer or pantry. At least lets meet somewhere for coffee first, make a feeble attempt to charm me, something ffs!
@Faffs@tinamarie1974 I like to make dinner for women cause idk why. Indoctrination by how to loose a guy in 10 days and other bad sappy movies? And it’s just kinda… Nice? Idk. You tried lol gave some effort
@Faffs@tinamarie1974@unksol yeah it’s a little different if someone offers to cook for me… But to have the balls to basically invite yourself over and tell your potential to cook… Ugh.
@Faffs@RiotDemon@tinamarie1974 well. Yeah. That’s a dick move sometimes people say something that’s so out there my brain just refuses to parses that senario. Didn’t think you could ask someone to make you dinner… For a date
@Faffs@radi0j0hn Not so much around here, lol. Every local group I’ve done something with, has been couples plus single women (not my style in either case) although I have made a lot of friends.
Ok so while reading this thread some advertisement came on TV - “the dating site for people over 50”. I missed what it was called… but scavenging online (locally) and moving to face to face from that might work… you’d at least potentially meet more people than while holed up in your abode.
Heck my cousin found his husband through the public tv’s (maybe radio?) membership magazine that had a singles advertising page. Now that being said he went through a lot of people until he found the one he married. He always took them kayaking on the first date as a screening too. That flushed out a lot of them, many by choice, when they realized he liked that kind of stuff and they hated it.
No idea what he did on date #2. Rock climbing maybe? Or maybe something more traditional for a date? I never asked.
@Kidsandliz that would be OurTime. I was on it for a while and met a couple of guys but nothing came of it. Some did have the creep factor but i suppose that is with any dating site. The worst was a man closer to my father’s age than mine. He contacted me admitting that he was married and age on the profile was false. Wife with onset dementia and him with a full viagra prescription. i suggested he invest in lube and a fleshlight.
@ironcheftoni I am sure the cheating factor exists everywhere online or not. Of course online you have added problems with photos posted that were from years ago, photoshop them, etc. And without the body language, etc. when someone misrepresents themselves it can be harder to tell. Craigslist used to have a place for people to post. I was surprised to see how many posted they were just looking for sex, or a ‘discrete’ relationship. At least they were out in the open that their only motivating factor was not wanting not to pay for prostitutes or were cheating. That is probably less obvious face to face early on.
Guys need to learn to cook. I wish meh would get some Korean “Rangemates” microwave cookers. They are good for everything from fried eggs for breakfast to rice to cooking chicken, I have three. One from AMZ and two from thrift stores. That and some kind of pressure cooker and you will be awesome and save a lot of money on food. And get a pump espresso maker. Or an Aeropress.
Apart from age, so much depends on the local area where you live, unless you’re open to meeting and “dating” someone who lives quite a distance away. That’s not of much interest to me, as a retired person with my own home. Plus, most people suck. /s
Have not really considered dating during the pandemic. Although several friends have through Facebook dating and one with great success. I haven’t had much luck in dating pre-pandemic. People suck and most men close to my age, or at least in this area are gym rats desperately trying to hang on to their lost youth, looking for a nurse, or looking for a trophy spouse to throw into the face of the ex.
I am currently single, but I always cooked for the girls I dated. As a matter of fact the last girl stayed the night so she wasn’t risking DUI, I cooked breakfast and she claimed I was the only man she had ever dated that she didn’t cook for. She was so excited she called her girlfriend when I was in the middle of cooking to tell someone. LOL BTW, the pandemic hasn’t been an issue for me personally, I have been on a few dates since the start of the pandemic but I’m really not trying. I think if I wanted to date again the pandemic wouldn’t be an issue, because we both need to be willing, and willing to be safe.
I’d love for a guy to cook for me. Just something simple would be fine. It would show me he isn’t just looking for a hausfrau. If you’re over 50 and can’t take care of yourself, and don’t want us to take care of each other, then move along. I ain’t yo mama!
Where’d you meet? Oh, on a forum in a daily deal site that all our reusable grocery bags and daily t-shirts are from. We’ve had to get a bigger house just to store all the stuff we buy on that site and never open.
That said, I might as well put my money where my mouth is. Single 35 year old Asian male born in Holland, raised in New Orleans, and currently residing in New Hampshire, looking for female companion to help consume my home cooked meals.
I’m late 50’s male, almost “retired”, no kids, living in my empty home (well, there is a cat), WFH a lot, and damn near need an Uber to take me to the funny farm at this point. I KNOW some of you (females) belong on the same short bus, hence, I’d be happy to share my seat.
I tried dating back late spring/early summer, and yeah it’s hard at this age w/o a freaking pandemic. That awkward first semi-hug, that socially distant walk along the river or lake front etc. And we haven’t even got to my cooking…
I see a lot of older people posting with complaints about the dating scene…I’m going to tell you right now, as someone in his early thirties, that it’s no better here. In fact, it might be considerably worse, depending on your perspective.
While I understand that this can somewhat differ with location, there is no more “dating” in my generation in the conventional sense of the term. If you’re extremely attractive, and to a lesser extent wealthy, there are hook-ups, but there is no dating. For the small segment of my demographic that still dates, the concept of “open relationships” is almost ubiquitous, and often a downright requirement.
This isn’t a regular old red pill “male and can’t get laid” complaint, either; both genders are absolutely at fault, and engage in different but equally-crappy behavior. Women are too preoccupied with their professional careers, and have raised their standards (because they no longer need to place a moderate-to-significant value on finding a provider) to such an unreasonable extent, that if you’re merely an average/normal guy, you might as well be invisible. Men are likewise guilty by being too easily distracted (we have hobbies that were technologically incapable of existing even 20 years ago, craft beer, fancy gyms, online video games, bitcoins, etc. etc. to keep our interest), and lazy and cowardly in terms of looking for partners.
Guilty as charged by the way, just so you don’t think I’m making a one-sided complaint. Before this virus came along and I forgot that the opposite sex even exists, I did some lukewarm dating, but never felt motivated to follow through in any capacity. Every single time, when I got to thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that I’d rather hang out with my male friends instead of dating, and spend the rest of my free time working out and playing video games. I would look at the likes I was getting on dating apps, and rarely bother sending any back, or messaging any mutual likes when they happened. There was just a complete and utter lack of motivation, and the app experience was just another “game” to play, if anything.
Almost every single male friend I have, at least those that weren’t unlucky enough to get trapped with kids in their ultimately-broken, adulterous marriages, are in the same boat. Even those with considerable wealth and/or looks that I would describe as in the upper percentiles and considerably above my own (I’m average in all regards) , have no tangible success in the dating sphere. The (admittedly small) amount of girls that I know are too busy trying to catch their promotions and/or get picked up by bad boys at clubs, which hilariously never seems to happen, because bad boys prefer girls who spend their days at the gym, and not rubber-stamping documents while eating crackers in a cubicle.
We millennials suck, and we’re going to ruin everything. Keep a close eye on birth rates over the next decade or so. It’s gonna to be like a beautiful train wreck.
Fwiw:
My various millennial nieces and nephews and other relatives are all, with I think 1 exception, either recently married, or in happy, contented, and prosperous relationships.
They were and are all relationship-minded. They wanted high quality lives and high quality partners. And they also wanted serious careers. And serious family lives. And they (there are many) have all gone a long way toward accomplishing this.
They forced themselves to grow into the sorts of mature individuals to whom someone stable, intelligent, reasonably successful, and reasonably attractive, might will wish to be married.
I’m not privy to every secret custom of that portion of the millennial generation that has made this work. But I can say this much:
None of them were looking to simply “get laid.” In fact many of them tended to advoid simply seeking company for the night, as an unprofitable waste of very limited free time.
None of them were looking for either glamour or perfection. The males appear to have had standards as high as the females. All were focused on both finding a high quality partner and on being a high quality partner.
They knew this would be work. They did the work and tried to be intelligent about it. They tried heavily on their friends and existing social circles for connections.
They selected at least a fair number of friends who were like minded, of like focus, and treated all their friends well. They worked hard at their friendships and still do. They have been rewarded by being will connected members of a pretty serious and reliable and stable group of friends.
Their lives aren’t boring. They all do have friendships which fall well outside these boundaries.
They visibly work at it all every day. And they seem quite happy.
(They are way way better at all this than I have ever dreamed of being.)
Yes, some people make it work. I know two stable couples around my age. At the same time, I know at least half a dozen divorced single dads, and many more people recovering from broken, dysfunctional relationships rife with cheating and other degeneracy.
No one I know is a deadbeat; everyone has at least some level of decent education, and is employed. No one’s a slob, and many spend good amounts of time working on their looks and on their skills.
But statistics, both from governmental/scientific bodies and from dating service providers, still support what I’ve observed (or I guess it’s more accurate to say that what I’ve observed supports their conclusions).
I’m wondering if you’re painting too rosy of a picture with regard to your relatives. I get it - it’s family, and we try to look on the bright side when it comes to that. But you’re making it sound like every single person you know (with that one exception you mentioned) is living this super-rewarding and fulfilling life, filled with high-powered careers, rewarding relationships, and stable and happy family life, when we know that humanity just doesn’t work that way, and everyone’s closet is stuffed full of skeletons. The stars would have to align for your entire extended family to represent the epitome of accomplishment and fidelity, while at the same time maintaining a picture-perfect image that you can only otherwise find in an episode of The Californians.
I’m not saying you’re a liar, just that your pride might be clouding your judgement. You might not know everything that’s going on, and are only observing the perfect life narratives that people present on social media.
@ShotgunX Might I suggest that you expand your interests to include things that you would enjoy doing with someone else?
For example, if you would like to take someone to the symphony, or ball games, or whatever, go there by yourself. You need to find like-minded, like-interested people, for friends, if not for a relationship.
Make a list of things you’d do on your IDEAL date, then do them by yourself, and find others who enjoy doing them, too.
It sounds like you’re looking for a diamond in a mud puddle.
Of course I’m not privy to the internals of my family relationships. And if course things might be in the process of going wrong; and failures among some of these are at least statistically likely.
And, of course, bad events, such mental illness, addiction, or another extreme stressors may yet hit.
I may well be looking at my relations thru possibly rosy eyes; but there are other factors.
another aspect: these people self-selected, and did so early.
They chose to be reasonable and stable and mentally healthy and to possess good judgment about others. Not all of them were stellar in these qualities as young adults (and some of them were bad at these);
I believe each of these worked at being, or at becoming, emotionally speaking, a person who could be relied upon and lived with. None of them seemed to believe that fully adult lives and commitments would be just waiting for them when they were ready to let go of drinking or gaming or netflix binging or working out or traveling or tinkering or endless education or whatever other solo life indulgences they liked.
I heard them talk among themselves about how much daily hard work it was to become full adults, or at least to try to get there; esp when many friendships or hobbies pulled them in other ways. They consciously (or so they said) have given up the ways in which some others spent free time in order to aim at something more difficult and valuable, as they seemed to see it.
Experienced persons who have started businesses, and then sustained these business thru decades of success, often have an accurate eye for whom, among the fledgling entrepreneurs, is likely to succeed. The factors are a mix of personal qualities not yet fully untangled by the academics; yet often these elder statesmen of business can spot the winners vs those who will either fail, need rescuing and assistance, or be continually problematic; even if these older observers sometimes can’t fully enumerate how they know which is which.
In relationships, certain sets of personal qualities, needed for both parties, are more commonplace, and more prominent, in persons who have long term success. Some of these qualities have been teased out; others, we’re still stuck trying to intuit or define or measure.
Some people are born with these or develop them naturally over the years of growing up. Others work like the very devil to attain them. Many have families where these sorts of personal and emotional habits leading to likely relationship success are modeled daily by older generations.
It’s a tilted table that doesn’t offer odds more fair than in any other area of adult life. But some persons who want this work to become what it takes so that they achieve it. There are always many who manage success without having had tons of advantages.
(And one of the requirements is to be an excellent and non-self-deceiving, and both forgiving and realistic, evaluator of oneself and of others.)
If even the perfect person chooses a partner without consideration for that other person’s preferences, choices, and capacities for mature, stable, and honorable conduct in the best and worst of times, there will be trouble ahead.
In the case of my (so far) successful relations, they have partnered with persons who were highly thought of, in terms of responsibility, stability, judgment, decency, by just about everyone who knew these persons.
I suppose a person seriously wanting something enough to sacrifice for it, to work at it, to be committed to it, and to be realistic and sober about it, does not guarantee success. But it doesn’t hurt the chances, either.
@f00l@ShotgunX ok everyone in your life has fantastic or awful relationships. That is wonderful or awful. However , unrelated to the topic at hamd which is how during a pandemic can I and others like myself who are seeking relationships deal with dating and relationships during a pandemic and how much extra freedom does a vaccine give ?
@f00l@ShotgunX All of my nieces and nephews, except one who just graduated from college this December and one who says she never wants to get married and never has, are all happily married, some with kids, some trying for kids. All my cousins’s kids but one are happily married (and that one likely will never be happily married as she goes from relationship to relationship in a superficial way), most have one or two kids, a couple have 3 kids.
Some took longer than others to find someone they liked/loved enough to get married. Pretty much all of them developed friendships concurrent with or before they were serious about each other. They were discussing this at a family reunion when most everyone was down at the pond (family farm) giving advice to a couple who wanted to be in a serious relationship but weren’t.
Advise given out was (mostly reflecting how they found their significant other) be active in things you enjoy that involve other people, find people you work with who have the same interests but talk about up front what you will do if you break up so you don’t wreck your work relationship (as one apparently did), groups (be them church or special interest) were offered up as suggestions, online was how a couple of them eventually found someone (with a lot of “misses” first), random chance and being willing to initiate a conversation and be rebuffed and then eventually they found someone who was interested. Of course some of those things they were talking about can’t really happen in the pandemic.
The factors are a mix of personal qualities not yet fully untangled by the academics; yet often these elder statesmen of business can spot the winners vs those who will either fail, need rescuing and assistance, or be continually problematic; even if these older observers sometimes can’t fully enumerate how they know which is which.
Research has documented that venture capitalists prefer a top notch entrepreneur team that works together well with an average idea that solves a problem that enough people are having to create a decent market than a top notch idea with a second rate entrepreneur team. This, of course, speaks to the critical importance of the “person factor” in success. Part of that has been related to high emotional intelligence and average intelligence leads to better outcomes than the reverse (of course high of both also leads to higher odds of success). And of course it is the people skills that tend to be the glue that holds things together, helps groups solve problems, etc. (although lack of money can kill otherwise really good companies with decent projects and teams, as can bad luck).
Venture capitalists also have been documented to care about the entrepreneur’s family and how they function (which is why many have social gatherings that involve the spouce/significant other) as they use that as a clue about how the person interacts with others and treats others.
And of course it is the people who are the business, the product/service is important, but without good people the business is eventually screwed. And Venture Capitalist recognize this even if they are using proxies (spousal relationships, past team experience working together, etc,) when looking at the big picture.
I’m actually not looking at all. I have zero desire to date at this point. Stacking up the pros and cons, it’s just not worth it, in my opinion. I’d much rather have more friends, or, quite frankly, a dog, than a romantic partner. Unfortunately, the modern emphasis on furthering your professional career gets in the way of everything equally.
Eight years ago that would’ve been good advice, but now, when I go somewhere, I go because I’m doing it for me, and not because I’m wife-hunting. It’s like when I tell people that I take wine classes, and the reaction is always “I bet you meet a lot of girls there, wink wink!” and I have to hold myself from giving them a backhand and patiently explain yet again that no, I’m doing it because I genuinely want to learn about that world, and not because I’m trying to score.
Fair enough. I’m not saying that it can’t happen, or that it didn’t happen for you or your family. But the circumstances that you describe, involving a large, well-connected social circle of friends and family screening each other, helping and reinforcing each other’s lives, and setting up couples, is a privilege available to very few individuals in our modern world. Many of us don’t have such extended families because such a dynamic never existed in our lineages, or because everyone is dead. Many of us don’t have teeming masses of good friends, having instead just one or two people we know really well, and a bunch of casual acquaintances who don’t particularly care about our existence outside of a casual get-together every few months. There’s a reason why researchers are starting to write so much about the “loneliness epidemic” as it’s coming to be known.
It seems to me that you (and the people you know) have just gotten extremely lucky, that’s all.
ok everyone in your life has fantastic or awful relationships. That is wonderful or awful. However , unrelated to the topic at hamd which is how during a pandemic can I and others like myself who are seeking relationships deal with dating and relationships during a pandemic and how much extra freedom does a vaccine give ?
You’re right, it was a bit off-topic. So here’s what I’ll say with regard to this:
How you deal with dating depends entirely on your risk tolerance for COVID. You can’t really date without meeting the other person (trying to be pen-pals is a path to disappointment, trust me), and meeting necessitates getting out of the safety of your house, and spending time with and around other people. The mechanics of this, as far as I know, haven’t changed. You can use one of the numerous dating services available, in much the same manner as always. It will be just as much work as before, so don’t expect that just because there’s a pandemic, that you’ll suddenly be able to take advantage of a bunch of people desperately seeking whatever human contact they can get. Desperation is one of the primary red flags, after all.
As far as the vaccine goes, this is a question better aimed at medical professionals/your doctor, but the one thing I can say is that the speed with which this virus has been researched, and a vaccine created, is unprecedented. We’re in uncharted territory right now, and there’s no telling what kind of outcome all of this will have, including any possible vaccine side effects down the line, and its protective efficiency in light of viral mutations. Yes, the vaccines are supposedly very effective, but there’s no telling what might happen, which could include a viral mutation that could make infection even more dangerous for people that were vaccinated.
The safest option is to minimize your social exposure until COVID goes away. If you were fully vaccinated, then (at least in the short term) you can expect a moderate-to-high degree of protection. The question you’ll have to answer for yourself is whether or not getting your whistle wet is worth what risk still remains.
I’m going to hang on to my theory that aside from the familial environment, location is extremely important for dating. I’m guessing that with talk about ponds, farms, and church meets, neither of you lives in a big, liberal city fueled by paradox-of-choice degeneracy. I’ve observed that online friends who live in less urban areas do better with relationship stuff overall.
I’m guessing that with talk about ponds, farms, and church meets, neither of you lives in a big, liberal city fueled by paradox-of-choice degeneracy. I’ve observed that online friends who live in less urban areas do better with relationship stuff overall.
A non-trivial factor here is that a lot of people move out of dense, urban areas when they want to start a family.
It’s not exactly in line with point, but my wife and I lived two blocks from a skyscraper for several years. It was fun for a while. But now that we have kids we have absolutely zero desire to live in a densely-packed urban area again.
So, in these posts about ponds and farms and stuff, you may be seeing a side-effect.
For what it’s worth, I’m probably about five years older than you are.
@f00l@ShotgunX Nope - no one lives on that farm. It is only used for extended family gathering, individuals or individual families going there to get a break. Almost everyone lives in cities/their suburbs, some of them pretty big - LA, Miami area, Denver, Pittsburgh, Seattle, or places like Silicone valley, or a pretty big city near an even bigger one, etc. Almost no one in the extended family lives in a small town. I don’t think one person in the generation I was talking about lives in a small town
The younger gen persons in my family who are so far relationship-sucessful over a number of years made and kept good friends in their k-12 days (and did the same during college/grad school if they did further schooling [about 2/3 did at a guess?]). And did the same thru their careers.
In their friendships, once they were a few years out of school and into careers, they deliberately made a variety of friends, and worked hard at it. And among those friends were many who wanted to move past the common free time indulgences of single life. They cultivated these friends, as well as others.
They met their spouses/partners in school or at work or as part of a fitness group or sport, or as friends of friends of friends. Etc. They attended social gatherings to get into the local communities, for biz reasons, cultural reasons, pleasure, and to meet people.
They occasionally used the random swipe culture of the internet, I heard several discuss it as a waste of time for anything beyond a rare hookup.
Ie, if you want a relationship of a given quality, you have to be someone who can offer your end of the deal, and you have to find someone who can do the same. These are character/habit/personality issues, and are easier to assess if the people involved share a community. These family members made sure to be parts of communities for a variety of reasons.
They weren’t looking for a continuation of the indulgences of college or post college life. They wanted what they saw as the next step. Afaik no one was pressured into this.
We have a few outliers in my family who didn’t and don’t want the “recognizable family” thing, but those are mostly baby boomers for some reason.
I would say that the Millennials are as good or better at relationships (so far) compared to the boomers in my family. A few of the boomer-aged group have some failed relationships. These people mostly tried again and succeeded.
As for location or culture: we are all big city people day to day. A few own a bit of land as a hunting lease or undeveloped small ranch or similar.
We tend to live in cities of 1m+, if one includes the metro area. A few in smaller cities. More “red states” than “blue states”. The individual cities vary from “quite red” to “purple” to “very blue”.
None of the current cities are “glamour cities” or “hip cities”, or super pricy cities, tho some of these people lived in DC, NYC, SF, Seattle, or those suburbs, etc for a few years.
The “relationship success” stories in my family seem to apply equally to persons whose politics are more red or more blue or are unknown.
Several of these Millennials have spoken within my hearing of thinking they would never find a working partnership, and then being surprised when they did find someone.
If it were me I suppose I’d wait the covid out. I wouldn’t want to get to close to random people I didn’t know well at this time. But I’m not in the dating pool, so my thoughts don’t matter on this. In sure some people are saying, I just don’t know how they approach it.
Excepting the covid factor
In my family, the successful people seemed to figure out what they wanted in terms of direction and quality. And then they worked at being whatever they need to be in order to hold up their end. And sought those qualities in other parties - friends as well as potential dates.
A friend who has the qualities you seek is more likely to know people who share those qualities, and more likely to be a better judge of people along those lines.
In my family people seem to try to meet friends of friends or friends a friend because there were common values that way and common expectations and because there was a pool of information about whether you and the other person were likely to hit it off and also like whether to be suitable long term.
if you don’t want this sort of long-term perspective on it and you just want somebody to I don’t know eat dinner with or go to the movies with I don’t really have any perspective on how one finds a compatible companion for that.
and what perspective I have on what these family members achieved comes from watching them and talking to them. I’ve no great personal gifts at this and I’m not good at it.
It still feels to me that your family has had an exceptional amount of luck and favorable circumstances on its side. The people that you’re talking about by no means represent the population as a whole, and if not outliers, are at least considerably removed from the statistical mean.
For example, the sum total of my known family who are still alive is exactly two people. My friends, like me, are too busy working 10+ hours a day to make $2,400 rent to have any get-togethers over the fire pit at some kind of relaxing retreat where they set each other up for cute little dates; the best we can hope for is to meet for happy hour once every few months.
You talk about how these high-quality people all choose to be high-quality, worked for it, and got what they wanted, but you have to realize that this isn’t some kind of universal winning formula into which anyone can plug themselves like a variable. I (and the people I know) are also educated, have gainful employment, and are active. And it doesn’t matter, because our circumstances, and the dating culture issues I outlined in my original post, have mixed together into a perfect storm of bullshit and mental issues.
I’m happy that things worked out for your family, but for every happy story that you tell me, I can tell you two about people who in no uncertain terms have confided to me that they wish they were dead.
I just wanted to show to people (mostly older folks) in previous posts that the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.
@ShotgunX I understand. That’s why I suggested doing some things that you like to do, but also might consider doing with someone else.
I get it, though… when the time is right, you’ll know.
@Tadlem43 It’s good advice that would increase overall chances, but as mentioned above, I’m no longer looking. I’ve even flat-out declined dates before COVID hit. As I’m reaching the point where I’m stable and secure enough to experience interesting things without falling back on the standby option of romance, a long-term partner would add little, if anything, to my life. And so, the game is no longer worth playing. I’m no longer willing to power-pivot through my career and spend three hours at the gym five times a week just to find someone who’s willing to settle. I can go at a more tolerable pace and actually enjoy my life.
And, quite frankly, after seeing what has happened to some of my friends, the concept of getting trapped with children is absolutely terrifying for me.
For what it’s worth I know some divorced people who have children and have worked very hard to make that work for them selves and for the kids with the kids being a priority
It helps it both parties among the adults are emotionally mature and stable and able to take care of themselves and other people and also that they are good friends with their ex partners and are able to cooperate happily
In two cases where each of the persons who were divorced from each other now have new partners everybody is kind of one big happy family
Obviously this doesn’t describe every break up but not every break up results in personal family tragedy
ok and I could use a lot more.
i’ve done a couple video dates and then gone on actual dates based off those. the restaurants here are only 50% capacity and the three i’ve been to actually have people well spaced. if the weather was warmer, i’d also suggest just putting some booze in a water bottle and going for a walk. moscow mules travel pretty well.
it’s really about what risk level you’re willing to tolerate and the risk you’d bring to others. i already worked from home (pre-pandemic) and i’m not around any highly vulnerable groups. i so rarely go out that progressive emailed me thinking their little snapshot device wasn’t working when my car didn’t move for a week. so, i’m ok going places some extent. i still wear my mask going in/out of the place and whenever i leave the table.
as for the kissing and “a lot more”, well…
I thought about starting to date shortly before the pandemic… And then I didn’t. I’m just not ready to date a bunch of people that probably aren’t taking precautions and I hate video chatting. I don’t even video chat friends.
I’ll just stay a hermit and continue to be single for now.
@RiotDemon same here. I just decided for now it is not worth it
The lack of dating predates the pandemic. I should figure out how to do that at some point
@unksol from what i understand, you drink enough to get past the awkward silence and hope whatever you say to each other is entertaining.
@carl669 still have to find someone to start the drinking with and not having taxis/Ubers would complicate that strategy
@carl669
/youtube my friend named jack official
Huh. I clicked on this thread because I thought Mediocre Co. was introducing a new line of lunch cheeses.
My mistake. I’ll move on.
I think I need a snack.
@shahnm
@heartny @shahnm Now I don’t feel so bad. I was thinking pasta drop, but with cheese slices.
@heartny @mehcuda67 @shahnm I was thinking “shingles”. Either Meh is selling roofing materials, or someone is oversharing about rashes.
@heartny I’m in for three slightly past their prime packs. Even accounting for the moldy slices, I’ll save over $130 compared with some Amazon seller’s price for a similar item!
@heartny @shahnm
Only three? I figure I saved somewhere in the vicinity of $800 on this lot.
@heartny @ruouttaurmind @shahnm
@heartny @ruouttaurmind Well look at you with your fancy name-brand singles… Wouldn’t you be more comfortable shopping at the more uppity sites… like woot?
@shahnm You’re just complaining because the cheese took up valuable battery storage space.
As a relatively newly single “senior citizen”, dating pre-pandemic was problematic already. I totally gave up at this point.
The older you get the shallower the dating pool gets, and heaven forbid you tell someone no, our first date will not be me cooking dinner for you at my place BEFORE the pandemic. Now, they are now twice as dense as to why I don’t want a stranger entering my home AND having me cook dinner for them. It doesn’t matter I still have over 30 lbs of pasta left over from the Pasta Drop.
@Faffs omg! I’ve heard about this weird phenomenon where people (usually guys) ask their date to cook for them! WTF is that? I’m assuming it’s so they are in your house and they think it’ll be easier to get laid.
@Faffs well here is what I never understood. How is me cooking dinner a fun night “out” for me???
@Faffs @RiotDemon I’m definitely not in the senior citizen category but I’d much rather hang out at home/make dinner than go out. In general. Nothing to do with getting laid. Or pandemic.
I would assume that would be a weird thing to ask a woman over for a first date though. Something something murderers and some of the stuff in the entryway like the jack stands and the ax and transmission fluid might require explanation. They are all going to be relocated to the garage. I’d be cleaning up.
Women I’ve dated I was friends with. Or worked/volunteered with. Had a reason to talk to that led somewhere. Idk. Haven’t done the whole talking for the singular purpose of dating thing.
@RiotDemon @unksol Not even ask me to their house! They assumed they would come to MY place, for a change of their scenery. No thanks, I am perfectly fine in my own scenery, no need to wear something other than sweats and scrounge a meal from the freezer or pantry. At least lets meet somewhere for coffee first, make a feeble attempt to charm me, something ffs!
@Faffs @tinamarie1974 I like to make dinner for women cause idk why. Indoctrination by how to loose a guy in 10 days and other bad sappy movies? And it’s just kinda… Nice? Idk. You tried lol gave some effort
@Faffs @unksol that is actually a really nice gesture!
@Faffs @tinamarie1974 assuming I can cook
@Faffs @unksol
@Faffs @tinamarie1974 @unksol yeah it’s a little different if someone offers to cook for me… But to have the balls to basically invite yourself over and tell your potential to cook… Ugh.
@Faffs @RiotDemon @tinamarie1974 well. Yeah. That’s a dick move sometimes people say something that’s so out there my brain just refuses to parses that senario. Didn’t think you could ask someone to make you dinner… For a date
@RiotDemon @tinamarie1974 @unksol And the worst part, it’s for the FIRST date…
@Faffs @RiotDemon @tinamarie1974 @unksol dinner at either my or his place is nice but that is a 3rd date type thing.
@CaptAmehrican @Faffs @RiotDemon @unksol at least q third date, unless you already know the person like @Unksol described above
@CaptAmehrican @Faffs @RiotDemon @tinamarie1974 eh. I just don’t know how to meet a person I don’t know lol.
@Faffs Any female under 70 is still a “younger woman” to me. You often meet nice people when you volunteer to do stuff.
@Faffs @radi0j0hn Not so much around here, lol. Every local group I’ve done something with, has been couples plus single women (not my style in either case) although I have made a lot of friends.
@Faffs like my screen name says, I like to cook but dinner at my place is definitely at a minimum 3rd date and possibility longer than that.
@Faffs I guess it’s kind of considerate of them to so quickly remove themselves from the running?
I’m working on having this problem. Who wants to go out when I do?
Ok so while reading this thread some advertisement came on TV - “the dating site for people over 50”. I missed what it was called… but scavenging online (locally) and moving to face to face from that might work… you’d at least potentially meet more people than while holed up in your abode.
Heck my cousin found his husband through the public tv’s (maybe radio?) membership magazine that had a singles advertising page. Now that being said he went through a lot of people until he found the one he married. He always took them kayaking on the first date as a screening too. That flushed out a lot of them, many by choice, when they realized he liked that kind of stuff and they hated it.
No idea what he did on date #2. Rock climbing maybe? Or maybe something more traditional for a date? I never asked.
meant to say his wife, not his husband.
@Kidsandliz that would be OurTime. I was on it for a while and met a couple of guys but nothing came of it. Some did have the creep factor but i suppose that is with any dating site. The worst was a man closer to my father’s age than mine. He contacted me admitting that he was married and age on the profile was false.
Wife with onset dementia and him with a full viagra prescription. 
i suggested he invest in lube and a fleshlight. 
@ironcheftoni I am sure the cheating factor exists everywhere online or not. Of course online you have added problems with photos posted that were from years ago, photoshop them, etc. And without the body language, etc. when someone misrepresents themselves it can be harder to tell. Craigslist used to have a place for people to post. I was surprised to see how many posted they were just looking for sex, or a ‘discrete’ relationship. At least they were out in the open that their only motivating factor was not wanting not to pay for prostitutes or were cheating. That is probably less obvious face to face early on.
Stuck at home when I’m at home. Stuck at work when I’m at work.
Guys need to learn to cook. I wish meh would get some Korean “Rangemates” microwave cookers. They are good for everything from fried eggs for breakfast to rice to cooking chicken, I have three. One from AMZ and two from thrift stores. That and some kind of pressure cooker and you will be awesome and save a lot of money on food. And get a pump espresso maker. Or an Aeropress.
POKER! JOKER! NOT MEDIOCRE! AWESOME!
Apart from age, so much depends on the local area where you live, unless you’re open to meeting and “dating” someone who lives quite a distance away. That’s not of much interest to me, as a retired person with my own home. Plus, most people suck. /s
Have not really considered dating during the pandemic. Although several friends have through Facebook dating and one with great success. I haven’t had much luck in dating pre-pandemic. People suck and most men close to my age, or at least in this area are gym rats desperately trying to hang on to their lost youth, looking for a nurse, or looking for a trophy spouse to throw into the face of the ex.
@ironcheftoni sounds about right!
I am currently single, but I always cooked for the girls I dated. As a matter of fact the last girl stayed the night so she wasn’t risking DUI, I cooked breakfast and she claimed I was the only man she had ever dated that she didn’t cook for. She was so excited she called her girlfriend when I was in the middle of cooking to tell someone. LOL BTW, the pandemic hasn’t been an issue for me personally, I have been on a few dates since the start of the pandemic but I’m really not trying. I think if I wanted to date again the pandemic wouldn’t be an issue, because we both need to be willing, and willing to be safe.
I’d love for a guy to cook for me. Just something simple would be fine. It would show me he isn’t just looking for a hausfrau. If you’re over 50 and can’t take care of yourself, and don’t want us to take care of each other, then move along. I ain’t yo mama!
Where’d you meet? Oh, on a forum in a daily deal site that all our reusable grocery bags and daily t-shirts are from. We’ve had to get a bigger house just to store all the stuff we buy on that site and never open.
That said, I might as well put my money where my mouth is.
Single 35 year old Asian male born in Holland, raised in New Orleans, and currently residing in New Hampshire, looking for female companion to help consume my home cooked meals.
I’m late 50’s male, almost “retired”, no kids, living in my empty home (well, there is a cat), WFH a lot, and damn near need an Uber to take me to the funny farm at this point. I KNOW some of you (females) belong on the same short bus, hence, I’d be happy to share my seat.
I tried dating back late spring/early summer, and yeah it’s hard at this age w/o a freaking pandemic. That awkward first semi-hug, that socially distant walk along the river or lake front etc. And we haven’t even got to my cooking…
@irishbyblood I hear you, brother
You might like this article “A Pandemic Is Hard Enough. For Some, Being Single Has Made It Harder.”
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/29/style/single-people-covid.html
I see a lot of older people posting with complaints about the dating scene…I’m going to tell you right now, as someone in his early thirties, that it’s no better here. In fact, it might be considerably worse, depending on your perspective.
While I understand that this can somewhat differ with location, there is no more “dating” in my generation in the conventional sense of the term. If you’re extremely attractive, and to a lesser extent wealthy, there are hook-ups, but there is no dating. For the small segment of my demographic that still dates, the concept of “open relationships” is almost ubiquitous, and often a downright requirement.
This isn’t a regular old red pill “male and can’t get laid” complaint, either; both genders are absolutely at fault, and engage in different but equally-crappy behavior. Women are too preoccupied with their professional careers, and have raised their standards (because they no longer need to place a moderate-to-significant value on finding a provider) to such an unreasonable extent, that if you’re merely an average/normal guy, you might as well be invisible. Men are likewise guilty by being too easily distracted (we have hobbies that were technologically incapable of existing even 20 years ago, craft beer, fancy gyms, online video games, bitcoins, etc. etc. to keep our interest), and lazy and cowardly in terms of looking for partners.
Guilty as charged by the way, just so you don’t think I’m making a one-sided complaint. Before this virus came along and I forgot that the opposite sex even exists, I did some lukewarm dating, but never felt motivated to follow through in any capacity. Every single time, when I got to thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that I’d rather hang out with my male friends instead of dating, and spend the rest of my free time working out and playing video games. I would look at the likes I was getting on dating apps, and rarely bother sending any back, or messaging any mutual likes when they happened. There was just a complete and utter lack of motivation, and the app experience was just another “game” to play, if anything.
Almost every single male friend I have, at least those that weren’t unlucky enough to get trapped with kids in their ultimately-broken, adulterous marriages, are in the same boat. Even those with considerable wealth and/or looks that I would describe as in the upper percentiles and considerably above my own (I’m average in all regards) , have no tangible success in the dating sphere. The (admittedly small) amount of girls that I know are too busy trying to catch their promotions and/or get picked up by bad boys at clubs, which hilariously never seems to happen, because bad boys prefer girls who spend their days at the gym, and not rubber-stamping documents while eating crackers in a cubicle.
We millennials suck, and we’re going to ruin everything. Keep a close eye on birth rates over the next decade or so. It’s gonna to be like a beautiful train wreck.
@ShotgunX
Fwiw:
My various millennial nieces and nephews and other relatives are all, with I think 1 exception, either recently married, or in happy, contented, and prosperous relationships.
They were and are all relationship-minded. They wanted high quality lives and high quality partners. And they also wanted serious careers. And serious family lives. And they (there are many) have all gone a long way toward accomplishing this.
They forced themselves to grow into the sorts of mature individuals to whom someone stable, intelligent, reasonably successful, and reasonably attractive, might will wish to be married.
I’m not privy to every secret custom of that portion of the millennial generation that has made this work. But I can say this much:
None of them were looking to simply “get laid.” In fact many of them tended to advoid simply seeking company for the night, as an unprofitable waste of very limited free time.
None of them were looking for either glamour or perfection. The males appear to have had standards as high as the females. All were focused on both finding a high quality partner and on being a high quality partner.
They knew this would be work. They did the work and tried to be intelligent about it. They tried heavily on their friends and existing social circles for connections.
They selected at least a fair number of friends who were like minded, of like focus, and treated all their friends well. They worked hard at their friendships and still do. They have been rewarded by being will connected members of a pretty serious and reliable and stable group of friends.
Their lives aren’t boring. They all do have friendships which fall well outside these boundaries.
They visibly work at it all every day. And they seem quite happy.
(They are way way better at all this than I have ever dreamed of being.)
@f00l
Yes, some people make it work. I know two stable couples around my age. At the same time, I know at least half a dozen divorced single dads, and many more people recovering from broken, dysfunctional relationships rife with cheating and other degeneracy.
No one I know is a deadbeat; everyone has at least some level of decent education, and is employed. No one’s a slob, and many spend good amounts of time working on their looks and on their skills.
But statistics, both from governmental/scientific bodies and from dating service providers, still support what I’ve observed (or I guess it’s more accurate to say that what I’ve observed supports their conclusions).
I’m wondering if you’re painting too rosy of a picture with regard to your relatives. I get it - it’s family, and we try to look on the bright side when it comes to that. But you’re making it sound like every single person you know (with that one exception you mentioned) is living this super-rewarding and fulfilling life, filled with high-powered careers, rewarding relationships, and stable and happy family life, when we know that humanity just doesn’t work that way, and everyone’s closet is stuffed full of skeletons. The stars would have to align for your entire extended family to represent the epitome of accomplishment and fidelity, while at the same time maintaining a picture-perfect image that you can only otherwise find in an episode of The Californians.
I’m not saying you’re a liar, just that your pride might be clouding your judgement. You might not know everything that’s going on, and are only observing the perfect life narratives that people present on social media.
@ShotgunX Might I suggest that you expand your interests to include things that you would enjoy doing with someone else?
For example, if you would like to take someone to the symphony, or ball games, or whatever, go there by yourself. You need to find like-minded, like-interested people, for friends, if not for a relationship.
Make a list of things you’d do on your IDEAL date, then do them by yourself, and find others who enjoy doing them, too.
It sounds like you’re looking for a diamond in a mud puddle.
@ShotgunX
Of course I’m not privy to the internals of my family relationships. And if course things might be in the process of going wrong; and failures among some of these are at least statistically likely.
And, of course, bad events, such mental illness, addiction, or another extreme stressors may yet hit.
I may well be looking at my relations thru possibly rosy eyes; but there are other factors.
another aspect: these people self-selected, and did so early.
They chose to be reasonable and stable and mentally healthy and to possess good judgment about others. Not all of them were stellar in these qualities as young adults (and some of them were bad at these);
I believe each of these worked at being, or at becoming, emotionally speaking, a person who could be relied upon and lived with. None of them seemed to believe that fully adult lives and commitments would be just waiting for them when they were ready to let go of drinking or gaming or netflix binging or working out or traveling or tinkering or endless education or whatever other solo life indulgences they liked.
I heard them talk among themselves about how much daily hard work it was to become full adults, or at least to try to get there; esp when many friendships or hobbies pulled them in other ways. They consciously (or so they said) have given up the ways in which some others spent free time in order to aim at something more difficult and valuable, as they seemed to see it.
Experienced persons who have started businesses, and then sustained these business thru decades of success, often have an accurate eye for whom, among the fledgling entrepreneurs, is likely to succeed. The factors are a mix of personal qualities not yet fully untangled by the academics; yet often these elder statesmen of business can spot the winners vs those who will either fail, need rescuing and assistance, or be continually problematic; even if these older observers sometimes can’t fully enumerate how they know which is which.
In relationships, certain sets of personal qualities, needed for both parties, are more commonplace, and more prominent, in persons who have long term success. Some of these qualities have been teased out; others, we’re still stuck trying to intuit or define or measure.
Some people are born with these or develop them naturally over the years of growing up. Others work like the very devil to attain them. Many have families where these sorts of personal and emotional habits leading to likely relationship success are modeled daily by older generations.
It’s a tilted table that doesn’t offer odds more fair than in any other area of adult life. But some persons who want this work to become what it takes so that they achieve it. There are always many who manage success without having had tons of advantages.
(And one of the requirements is to be an excellent and non-self-deceiving, and both forgiving and realistic, evaluator of oneself and of others.)
If even the perfect person chooses a partner without consideration for that other person’s preferences, choices, and capacities for mature, stable, and honorable conduct in the best and worst of times, there will be trouble ahead.
In the case of my (so far) successful relations, they have partnered with persons who were highly thought of, in terms of responsibility, stability, judgment, decency, by just about everyone who knew these persons.
I suppose a person seriously wanting something enough to sacrifice for it, to work at it, to be committed to it, and to be realistic and sober about it, does not guarantee success. But it doesn’t hurt the chances, either.
@f00l @ShotgunX ok everyone in your life has fantastic or awful relationships. That is wonderful or awful. However , unrelated to the topic at hamd which is how during a pandemic can I and others like myself who are seeking relationships deal with dating and relationships during a pandemic and how much extra freedom does a vaccine give ?
@f00l @ShotgunX All of my nieces and nephews, except one who just graduated from college this December and one who says she never wants to get married and never has, are all happily married, some with kids, some trying for kids. All my cousins’s kids but one are happily married (and that one likely will never be happily married as she goes from relationship to relationship in a superficial way), most have one or two kids, a couple have 3 kids.
Some took longer than others to find someone they liked/loved enough to get married. Pretty much all of them developed friendships concurrent with or before they were serious about each other. They were discussing this at a family reunion when most everyone was down at the pond (family farm) giving advice to a couple who wanted to be in a serious relationship but weren’t.
Advise given out was (mostly reflecting how they found their significant other) be active in things you enjoy that involve other people, find people you work with who have the same interests but talk about up front what you will do if you break up so you don’t wreck your work relationship (as one apparently did), groups (be them church or special interest) were offered up as suggestions, online was how a couple of them eventually found someone (with a lot of “misses” first), random chance and being willing to initiate a conversation and be rebuffed and then eventually they found someone who was interested. Of course some of those things they were talking about can’t really happen in the pandemic.
@f00l
As an aside
Research has documented that venture capitalists prefer a top notch entrepreneur team that works together well with an average idea that solves a problem that enough people are having to create a decent market than a top notch idea with a second rate entrepreneur team. This, of course, speaks to the critical importance of the “person factor” in success. Part of that has been related to high emotional intelligence and average intelligence leads to better outcomes than the reverse (of course high of both also leads to higher odds of success). And of course it is the people skills that tend to be the glue that holds things together, helps groups solve problems, etc. (although lack of money can kill otherwise really good companies with decent projects and teams, as can bad luck).
Venture capitalists also have been documented to care about the entrepreneur’s family and how they function (which is why many have social gatherings that involve the spouce/significant other) as they use that as a clue about how the person interacts with others and treats others.
And of course it is the people who are the business, the product/service is important, but without good people the business is eventually screwed. And Venture Capitalist recognize this even if they are using proxies (spousal relationships, past team experience working together, etc,) when looking at the big picture.
@Tadlem43
I’m actually not looking at all. I have zero desire to date at this point. Stacking up the pros and cons, it’s just not worth it, in my opinion. I’d much rather have more friends, or, quite frankly, a dog, than a romantic partner. Unfortunately, the modern emphasis on furthering your professional career gets in the way of everything equally.
Eight years ago that would’ve been good advice, but now, when I go somewhere, I go because I’m doing it for me, and not because I’m wife-hunting. It’s like when I tell people that I take wine classes, and the reaction is always “I bet you meet a lot of girls there, wink wink!” and I have to hold myself from giving them a backhand and patiently explain yet again that no, I’m doing it because I genuinely want to learn about that world, and not because I’m trying to score.
@f00l
Fair enough. I’m not saying that it can’t happen, or that it didn’t happen for you or your family. But the circumstances that you describe, involving a large, well-connected social circle of friends and family screening each other, helping and reinforcing each other’s lives, and setting up couples, is a privilege available to very few individuals in our modern world. Many of us don’t have such extended families because such a dynamic never existed in our lineages, or because everyone is dead. Many of us don’t have teeming masses of good friends, having instead just one or two people we know really well, and a bunch of casual acquaintances who don’t particularly care about our existence outside of a casual get-together every few months. There’s a reason why researchers are starting to write so much about the “loneliness epidemic” as it’s coming to be known.
It seems to me that you (and the people you know) have just gotten extremely lucky, that’s all.
@CaptAmehrican
You’re right, it was a bit off-topic. So here’s what I’ll say with regard to this:
How you deal with dating depends entirely on your risk tolerance for COVID. You can’t really date without meeting the other person (trying to be pen-pals is a path to disappointment, trust me), and meeting necessitates getting out of the safety of your house, and spending time with and around other people. The mechanics of this, as far as I know, haven’t changed. You can use one of the numerous dating services available, in much the same manner as always. It will be just as much work as before, so don’t expect that just because there’s a pandemic, that you’ll suddenly be able to take advantage of a bunch of people desperately seeking whatever human contact they can get. Desperation is one of the primary red flags, after all.
As far as the vaccine goes, this is a question better aimed at medical professionals/your doctor, but the one thing I can say is that the speed with which this virus has been researched, and a vaccine created, is unprecedented. We’re in uncharted territory right now, and there’s no telling what kind of outcome all of this will have, including any possible vaccine side effects down the line, and its protective efficiency in light of viral mutations. Yes, the vaccines are supposedly very effective, but there’s no telling what might happen, which could include a viral mutation that could make infection even more dangerous for people that were vaccinated.
The safest option is to minimize your social exposure until COVID goes away. If you were fully vaccinated, then (at least in the short term) you can expect a moderate-to-high degree of protection. The question you’ll have to answer for yourself is whether or not getting your whistle wet is worth what risk still remains.
@f00l @Kidsandliz
I’m going to hang on to my theory that aside from the familial environment, location is extremely important for dating. I’m guessing that with talk about ponds, farms, and church meets, neither of you lives in a big, liberal city fueled by paradox-of-choice degeneracy. I’ve observed that online friends who live in less urban areas do better with relationship stuff overall.
@f00l @Kidsandliz @ShotgunX
A non-trivial factor here is that a lot of people move out of dense, urban areas when they want to start a family.
It’s not exactly in line with point, but my wife and I lived two blocks from a skyscraper for several years. It was fun for a while. But now that we have kids we have absolutely zero desire to live in a densely-packed urban area again.
So, in these posts about ponds and farms and stuff, you may be seeing a side-effect.
For what it’s worth, I’m probably about five years older than you are.
@f00l @ShotgunX Nope - no one lives on that farm. It is only used for extended family gathering, individuals or individual families going there to get a break. Almost everyone lives in cities/their suburbs, some of them pretty big - LA, Miami area, Denver, Pittsburgh, Seattle, or places like Silicone valley, or a pretty big city near an even bigger one, etc. Almost no one in the extended family lives in a small town. I don’t think one person in the generation I was talking about lives in a small town
@ShotgunX
The younger gen persons in my family who are so far relationship-sucessful over a number of years made and kept good friends in their k-12 days (and did the same during college/grad school if they did further schooling [about 2/3 did at a guess?]). And did the same thru their careers.
In their friendships, once they were a few years out of school and into careers, they deliberately made a variety of friends, and worked hard at it. And among those friends were many who wanted to move past the common free time indulgences of single life. They cultivated these friends, as well as others.
They met their spouses/partners in school or at work or as part of a fitness group or sport, or as friends of friends of friends. Etc. They attended social gatherings to get into the local communities, for biz reasons, cultural reasons, pleasure, and to meet people.
They occasionally used the random swipe culture of the internet, I heard several discuss it as a waste of time for anything beyond a rare hookup.
Ie, if you want a relationship of a given quality, you have to be someone who can offer your end of the deal, and you have to find someone who can do the same. These are character/habit/personality issues, and are easier to assess if the people involved share a community. These family members made sure to be parts of communities for a variety of reasons.
They weren’t looking for a continuation of the indulgences of college or post college life. They wanted what they saw as the next step. Afaik no one was pressured into this.
We have a few outliers in my family who didn’t and don’t want the “recognizable family” thing, but those are mostly baby boomers for some reason.
I would say that the Millennials are as good or better at relationships (so far) compared to the boomers in my family. A few of the boomer-aged group have some failed relationships. These people mostly tried again and succeeded.
As for location or culture: we are all big city people day to day. A few own a bit of land as a hunting lease or undeveloped small ranch or similar.
We tend to live in cities of 1m+, if one includes the metro area. A few in smaller cities. More “red states” than “blue states”. The individual cities vary from “quite red” to “purple” to “very blue”.
None of the current cities are “glamour cities” or “hip cities”, or super pricy cities, tho some of these people lived in DC, NYC, SF, Seattle, or those suburbs, etc for a few years.
The “relationship success” stories in my family seem to apply equally to persons whose politics are more red or more blue or are unknown.
Several of these Millennials have spoken within my hearing of thinking they would never find a working partnership, and then being surprised when they did find someone.
@CaptAmehrican
Re the topic hijack
Apologies.
If it were me I suppose I’d wait the covid out. I wouldn’t want to get to close to random people I didn’t know well at this time. But I’m not in the dating pool, so my thoughts don’t matter on this. In sure some people are saying, I just don’t know how they approach it.
Excepting the covid factor
In my family, the successful people seemed to figure out what they wanted in terms of direction and quality. And then they worked at being whatever they need to be in order to hold up their end. And sought those qualities in other parties - friends as well as potential dates.
A friend who has the qualities you seek is more likely to know people who share those qualities, and more likely to be a better judge of people along those lines.
In my family people seem to try to meet friends of friends or friends a friend because there were common values that way and common expectations and because there was a pool of information about whether you and the other person were likely to hit it off and also like whether to be suitable long term.
if you don’t want this sort of long-term perspective on it and you just want somebody to I don’t know eat dinner with or go to the movies with I don’t really have any perspective on how one finds a compatible companion for that.
and what perspective I have on what these family members achieved comes from watching them and talking to them. I’ve no great personal gifts at this and I’m not good at it.
@f00l
It still feels to me that your family has had an exceptional amount of luck and favorable circumstances on its side. The people that you’re talking about by no means represent the population as a whole, and if not outliers, are at least considerably removed from the statistical mean.
For example, the sum total of my known family who are still alive is exactly two people. My friends, like me, are too busy working 10+ hours a day to make $2,400 rent to have any get-togethers over the fire pit at some kind of relaxing retreat where they set each other up for cute little dates; the best we can hope for is to meet for happy hour once every few months.
You talk about how these high-quality people all choose to be high-quality, worked for it, and got what they wanted, but you have to realize that this isn’t some kind of universal winning formula into which anyone can plug themselves like a variable. I (and the people I know) are also educated, have gainful employment, and are active. And it doesn’t matter, because our circumstances, and the dating culture issues I outlined in my original post, have mixed together into a perfect storm of bullshit and mental issues.
I’m happy that things worked out for your family, but for every happy story that you tell me, I can tell you two about people who in no uncertain terms have confided to me that they wish they were dead.
I just wanted to show to people (mostly older folks) in previous posts that the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.
@ShotgunX I understand. That’s why I suggested doing some things that you like to do, but also might consider doing with someone else.
I get it, though… when the time is right, you’ll know.
@Tadlem43 It’s good advice that would increase overall chances, but as mentioned above, I’m no longer looking. I’ve even flat-out declined dates before COVID hit. As I’m reaching the point where I’m stable and secure enough to experience interesting things without falling back on the standby option of romance, a long-term partner would add little, if anything, to my life. And so, the game is no longer worth playing. I’m no longer willing to power-pivot through my career and spend three hours at the gym five times a week just to find someone who’s willing to settle. I can go at a more tolerable pace and actually enjoy my life.
And, quite frankly, after seeing what has happened to some of my friends, the concept of getting trapped with children is absolutely terrifying for me.
@ShotgunX @Tadlem43
For what it’s worth I know some divorced people who have children and have worked very hard to make that work for them selves and for the kids with the kids being a priority
It helps it both parties among the adults are emotionally mature and stable and able to take care of themselves and other people and also that they are good friends with their ex partners and are able to cooperate happily
In two cases where each of the persons who were divorced from each other now have new partners everybody is kind of one big happy family
Obviously this doesn’t describe every break up but not every break up results in personal family tragedy
If meh won’t give me a valentines Irk, they must give me a gf instead!