Join us, godsdamnit

Come play Clash of Clans with us, you uppity motherfuckers! I will keep coming back. Oh yes, I will. And if our old post necrotizes (or whatever the fuck) I will create a new one. I’m doing it right now. You gonna stop me?

Look, I get it. You’ve got a life (well, some of you do). Why the fuck would you hang out with a bunch of losers playing some goddamned mobile game? Remember, you made me do this, you imagined rhetorical questioner you.

• First, we’re not a loser clan. We’re a mediocre clan. We don’t always lose. The game has algorithms that more-or-less prevent incessant losing.

• We’re a decent bunch. Not one of us is a raging asshole as far as I can tell. Well, maybe me, but I stay on my best behavior. Meh alum and celeb Hollboll is there. Some of you newbs don’t even know that name. Goddamned kids. We had JonT, but the fucker abandoned us. Sound off below if you’re offended (or not) that I didn’t mention you by name, all star. Really, though, speak up, clashers. Also, if you previously abandoned us, come the fuck back. I’m not saying all will be forgiven, because that’s a goddamned cliche, but we have low standards and minimal self esteem; we’ll take you back.

• We have been, are and will be, as far as I can help it, Mediocre born and bred. In truth, we’ve recruited elsewhere, just to keep numbers up. But there remains a core of folks who came from here and who get the Mediocre ethos. And that’s why I’m here. I’d rather we sucker unsuspecting welcome more intelligent and good-looking genuine mediocrites, mehricans and mehicans. To be clear, we’re diverse and I want us to be more diverse (so if you think this isn’t your thing, you might be just what we need; see what I did there?), but we’re all mediocre in one way or another.

• We are a low demand crew. Mostly we want you to show up, help out when you can. And if you’re going to check out for a while, just let us now. It’s easy. We’re there to have fun.

• It’s actually a decent game. I’ve been playing for about seven years. In that time I’ve started and stopped a lot of other shit, especially a ton of other games. Of all of the mobile, online or computer games I’ve ever played, CoC is easily the one that’s kept me interested. They’re regularly adding new stuff. There are myriad approaches and battle strategies. It’s got meaningful village development aspects and a couple of in-game games. It’s just good, as far as I can tell.

• But it’s also simply fun. And you don’t have to be good, think too hard or invest in strategy or manual coordination to enjoy it. Seriously, I kinda suck (at the very least, I embody mediocrity) and I still like it. I bet you’ll like it. The fuck are you afraid of? Coward. (That’s just me trying the stick [vs. the carrot]. Don’t take me too seriously.)

• If you’re interested in getting good, there are loads of resources available. Google it. I dare you.

• Also, there are a bunch of moderately entertaining clan-focused “content creators” who make videos about it–some serious, some silly. Your iTzus, your Judo Sloths, your Galadons. There are actual tournaments and tournament players who make real money, if you’re into watching that kind of thing (me, not so much, but sometimes I dabble). Of course you can ignore all of that YouTube and Facebook Live shit, and I wouldn’t blame you. But don’t tell me you’ve never sat pointlessly watching videos. More fodder. Really, though, don’t tell me if you don’t waste time watching nominally useful (or completely useless) YouTube videos; it’ll make me feel worse about myself.

• Think of it like the company slow-pitch softball team. I mean, yeah, it’s fun to win. Mostly we’re just there to drink beer and hang out; but you also get to play a stupid game. And, look, see, you can do it from your home. You can do it from anywhere, really; what the fuck do I care?