I do believe it's time for a joke...
19An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
Got any jokes to share?
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Lol, nice.
Patient: So, Doc, whats the news?
Doctor: You want the good news or the bad news?
Patient: The good news. I’m an optimist.
Doctor: Well, they’re going to name a disease after you.
2 out of 3 Doctor’s who tried Camels went back to women
/image camel cigarettes
Patient: So, Doc, what’s the news?
Doctor: You want the bad news or the worse news?
Patient: Unhhh I guess the bad news.
Doctor: You only have 3 days to live
Patient: Oh my God… what could be worse…
Doctor: Well, I meant to call you 2 days ago…
Patient: Doc, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor: Then don’t do that.
Doctor: $500 to fix the sink? That’s outrageous, I don’t make that much an hour!
Plumber: Yea, neither did I when I was a doctor.
Q: why did the donut reach for her umbrella?
A: there were a few sprinkles
(I invented this riddle. Thank you, thank you, you’re too kind.)
@UncleVinny related, i didn’t invent this one:
Why did Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo’ drizzle.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says “You’re in here pretty often. Do you think you could be an alcoholic?”
The horse says “I don’t think I am” and vanishes from existence.
The joke is about Descartes’ philosophy of “I think, therefore, I am,” but to explain that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
@mehcuda67 Two guys walked into a bar…the third one ducked.
@kykazaa @mehcuda67 I was in an ancient (to us Yanks) English pub that had some very low beams. They were helpfully labeled: “Duck or Grouse”.
Why did the man fall into the water?
He didn’t see that well.
therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
husband: to be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
A man drives past in a horse-drawn cart; I hear the animal coughing. “Your pony has a terrible cough,” I say. “Nah,” the man responds, “He’s just a little horse.”
Doctor: I have your test results Mr. Smith and it is not good.
Mr. Smith: How bad is it?
Doctor: I am afraid you only have 10 to live.
Mr. Smith: 10? 10 what? 10 months? 10 weeks?
Doctor: 9, 8, 7…
Don’t be jealous I have a date for new years eve.
December 31st
@CaptAmehrican That doesn’t sound like a joke
/giphy not a joke
@compunaut ok it is a corny joke possibly not a funny joke but a joke.
I looked up today a bunch of new years eve corny jokes and found it on that list.
Kinda glad you are not my meh exchange recipient as their box is decorated in equally lame jokes. Like " what did the champagne bottle call his father? Pop"
@CaptAmehrican @compunaut I just don’t get the joke.
@CaptAmehrican
My Mom loves corny jokes. Dad rolls his eyes.
Hopefully the recipient will share. I forgot to put a note in the box I sent. I meant to do something and remembered as I dropped it off to go.
@CaptAmehrican @compunaut @RiotDemon I don’t get this one either. A little help, please…?
@CaptAmehrican @compunaut @RiotDemon Oh. I just got it.
@CaptAmehrican @compunaut @RiotDemon @shahnm
What do people want on new years Eve? Some to kiss at midnight. I.E. a date.
It’s as bad as saying I have a date for Valentine’s day. February 14th.
Get it yet?
@CaptAmehrican @compunaut @RiotDemon @shahnm @unksol Yeah, I have LOTS of dates - I have a calendar!
Hyuck, hyuck, hardee har! 🥸
@CaptAmehrican Yeah, I was just too dumb to get the joke. Keep 'em coming
/giphy dumb
@compunaut @RiotDemon @shahnm @unksol exactly.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes
@CaptAmehrican You and my dad would have gotten along great. He (and his sister) had an endless supply of corny jokes they’d make up. They were cereal punners…
@CaptAmehrican @Kidsandliz
You just had to milk it for the puns, didn’t you?
@CaptAmehrican @mike808 Well I did try to sugar coat what I was doing… (snicker)
@CaptAmehrican @Kidsandliz
You’re just a bowl of laughs.
@CaptAmehrican @mike808 That last pun didn’t bowl me over…
@CaptAmehrican @Kidsandliz
So, is this thread over easy?
@mike808 Needs more stars!
I got the kids a nice scented candle for their present.
