@lisaviolet You’ve heard of the Freshman Fifteen? Well, this is what’ll be known as the COVID Nineteen.
There’s also the Corona Nine if you’ve been sticking to a liquid based diet of strictly cerveza & limes.
If you’ve just a wee bit of self control, and don’t pick up quite as much weight during The Fattening, you might get lucky only gaining the SARS Seven.
@Cerridwyn@shahnm I believe the chalkboard image is the instagram link he mentioned and it automagically inserted it into the post… But what do I know?
Berton Averre, lead guitarist for The Knack, and other band members, make their own My Sharona/Bye Corona video, in which an attempt is made to teach Averre’s dogs how to play the famous guitar riff.
I’ve been having more frequent, longer and more passionate conversations with my cats and my TV.
And since you’re wondering, no, they haven’t been talking back to me, yet.
Honestly not sure if that’s better or worse than the alternative.
And no, this is not a stolen meme, this is my life. lol
I legitimately caught myself arguing with a TV commercial last night - I was “medicated” at the time, but still…
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
@lisaviolet I saw “y’all’s panic bying” and had a mental image of someone driving by and waving rather than coming in, which made no sense with the image. It took my brain a second or two before I realized it was “buying”. Aargh.
@lisaviolet@shahnm While my brain was well indoctrinated educated in English classes, my typing fingers were not paying attention much of the time and have their own rebellious ideas on occasion. I often notice what I have typed about 5.3 minutes after hitting the send button (or “Say it”), so I can’t really call anyone else out for it.
Am i the only person who woke up still bothered by Elton John saying he was in the only house he had without a piano then playing a keyboard at the end like that’s not the same damn thing?
@f00l and a fiddle is not a Stradivarius but these are tough times and sometimes we just have to make do.
It’s just whoever wrote that special didn’t think it through, having him say that and then play at the end on a keyboard made it look like a lie. Or maybe that’s just me.
I must admit I was only half watching. When I saw him playing at the end I asked my wife “didn’t he say earlier he couldn’t perform because he had no piano?”
@djslack@f00l
I think they should do a rendition of “Imagine” to heal all of us. Why aren’t rich musicians doing more in these times from their mansions?
@cranky1950@shahnm That was a very Biden-like move.
If it’d been Trump he would’ve grabbed her by the pussy and then just started kissing her, without even asking, and she’d have let him do it because he’s rich.
Or so I’ve heard.
Yes. Trump made that crass joke to a dude many years ago. That’s totally the same as actually doing that, for sure. And it’s the same as the (plausible and corroborated) accusations about Biden’s penetrative sexual assault(s), as well as the countless videos of him actually grabbing/touching/fondling and sniffing women of all ages. Because Orange Man Bad!
@cranky1950 Trump has never been credibly accused of rape. He may have paid for sex with a sleazy stripper, which is wretched, but not in the same league as forcible sexual contact.
Biden on the other hand… Believe it or not, the real news may be outside the purview of the activist left-wing media (which in the past people mistakenly referred to as the mainstream media). For those who prefer to remain comfortably deluded, there’s NBCCBSABCCNNMSNBCNYTWaPo… Take your pick. They’re all the same.
Otherwise, here’s a starting point, but there’s plenty more credible info out there among the more honest media outlets:
PS I didn’t really mean to hijack any part of this thread for political purposes - I meant my first biden comment as a silly side-note more than anything. I have a personal policy against getting political at Meh, which because of several glasses of Jamieson on the rocks with a twist of lime I seem to have really fucked up. If I made you angry or sad, I’m sorry. Feel free to say whatever you wish. I’ll let it be.
@cranky1950@shahnm I’m not really a fan of Salon, and I’m sure you are not, but they make a pretty solid case for why this hasn’t become a mainstream story yet.
@cranky1950@Limewater I’m just going all in on the Jamieson from this point on. Really. Fuck it. I’m going to drink my ass off tonight, and I’ll deal with the repercussions tomorrow while I contend with the death throes of my career that is probably seeing it’s final dying days at this point. It’s almost funny how many times I have had to retype this (and thank God for the automated spell-check)…
Maybe tomorrow, after the headaches and nausea, I’ll remember to come back and click on that Salon link. Though to be honest, I’ll probably have to have a few before I’ll be able to bring myself to click on a salon link…
@cranky1950@Limewater@shahnm
Sorry for tossing some gas on your fire.
This politics-as-a-team-sport garbage is not worth abusing yourself over.
I mean, if you want to get drunk, there are plenty of good reasons these days.
Waking up with a hang-over isn’t going to make anyone feel better about the current political divide.
I’d recommend cannabis as a self-medication to alleviate frustration over the current state of political discourse - it’s not just for hippy liberals anymore.
@cranky1950@DennisG2014@Limewater I am way way past drinking over politics… Yesterday, I reached into my bag of oh-shit-now-whats, read the card, and then hit the bottle. Probably do the same today. But politics is not one of the cards in that bag…
St. John’s Church, where Patrick Henry did the give me liberty or give me death speech is a great place for tours. Except now. Looks like they’re getting stir crazy.
@sammydog01 I remember an old kids’ joke, in which the punchline was “Pat-Chick, Henny”. I don’t remember the specifics, but the punch line seems apropos…
@lisaviolet As long as you aren’t in the habit of greeting people with other body parts, just washing your hands and elbows should be enough. Remember even without the virus, we still want to try and conserve resources.
@lisaviolet Guess I needed to add
I was originally say as long as you aren’t greeting other people with your genitals, you don’t have to wash them, but didn’t want to detract from my puritanic online persona.
Self-isolating horror director battles a Guillermo del Toro action figure in amazing short
Watch “Big Ass Spider!” director Mike Mendez take on the beloved Oscar-winner.
Also, it’s worth mentioning that Maaahty Walsh’s predecessor’s accent was far, far stronger.
I think a severe accent is a prerequisite for running for mayor of Boston.
If you want to hear the worst of the worst, google Thomas Menino - late, long-time mayor of Boston, aka “mumbles” and/or “mush-mouth” Menino.
Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. (You’re welcome!)
I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors! *****
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers…
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
“Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy.”
We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
[above from a compilation sent to me in email from an alumni association of old fogies like me]
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center
in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
I have no siblings, my parents are both dead more than a dozen years now, my wife is in Alzheimer’s care, our son is married with his own family to worry about (and comes by mainly when they are out of TP), my friends must all owe me money (since I never hear from them), my dog only worries about the cats outside, and those cats only worry about whether I will put food outside for them any time soon…
Most of my mail is either bills or ads or pre-screened credit offers or requests for donations from the few charities my wife gave to and the many those sold my address to. Now that the local elections are over, I don’t even hear much from politicians, except those parties on the national scene, and I usually wouldn’t give those the time of day, much less more money than they already have…
95% of my phone calls are identified by my phone system as either “Spam?” or “Robo?”; others have been caller-IDed as from the local phone exchanges (I just let the answering system take those – less than maybe 5% leave a message) and when I try to return those calls I get a phone company message that I have dialed a “not in service” number…
I used to be a moderate social drinker and beer, wine, or a drink during or after a meal. Lately, I can’t even get interested in that – most of the alcohol I intake is from the fumes on the sanitizer I use – bought Everclear for that (remembered it from my college days) and otherwise it has been just sitting on the countertop…
I miss the opiate of the masses…
Enough about the good times: I just went for a drive with my dog to pay some bills, and found the traffic to be the most I’ve seen in about a month and a half. Restrictions on “non-essential” businesses are being relaxed some, and apparently a lot of people have found their car and pickup keys again and their batteries were still good…
Also, there was a traffic backup for about a dozen minutes. Looked like every available PD and FD and even some EMT vehicles from several counties around plus a couple of hearses. On news about 3 weeks ago was an item about a police officer from a neighboring county who had died at his home local here, but at the time there were no immediate funeral plans (and AFAIK, no cause of death announced). I guess this was that. Must have been over a hundred “first responder” vehicles (including fire trucks) in the procession, plus numerous others. They seemed to be driving over the speed limit and had lights and sirens going and were definitely not “safe social distancing” the vehicles from each other. These are different times.
Apparently even the local university students are going stir-crazy. From local news this afternoon: “A non-credible bomb threat has been reported to University police.” Two months ago there would have been 50 thousand students on campus, if they had made it back from spring break.
Lately, I’ve been trying to soak up as much humor as possible. Meh is always good for that, especially with the comments on some of the “goods” (are they?) sold last few days. Hope this humor thread stays alive as long as the CV does. On the down side, opened my first IRK/FUK ever a couple of days ago. I understand why the R is in capital letters – didn’t see but one or two described as pitiful as mine was. Maybe it should be a DIRK; D for Disappointing. Still waiting for the real box to show up…
tl;dr
Thanks, hope everybody stays safe and keeps posting laffs here. Keep the mean-spirited politics out, or I will have Vito pay you a visit (or put you on the AOC mailing list)…
@Kyeh I don’t know. Looking up their phone on google it is (769) 216-3414. You could call them to ask them to measure arm pit to arm pit when laid flat, center back to bottom, bottom edge to bottom edge and across the top of shoulders in the back for the size you are interested in (to save time measure yours first so you can ask them to go up or down depending on what they tell you). Maybe ask them to look at the brand of t-shirt and maybe it would be possible to tell that way? I know several people on here seem to know the ins and outs of t-shirt sizes by brand of blanks.
Also notice their email isn’t the one in the sample info for what they need from you, rather it is arfms@comcast.net
@Kidsandliz Okay, thanks, no hurry. Interestingly enough, this showed up in my email right above an appeal from a cat shelter here. They ought to sell shirts too!
@Kyeh They are unisex, apparently, in the opinion of the person I reached today on the phone, run a little big. Blank brand is Gildan. Here is a sizing chart I found on line (width is across the chest):
@Kyeh You are welcome. I am reasonably sure you could exchange it if it didn’t fit (refunding postage may be an issue because they are selling these to try to make up for lost donations).
@tinamarie1974 funny story. Two weeks ago I listened to a rant from one of my operators about how the company didn’t care if they lived or died because the company didn’t have masks for everyone.
Last Friday we took delivery of 2,000 masks. Should be enough for 4 weeks.
Yesterday we made it mandatory for everyone to wear a mask.
Same operator, “you cannot MAKE me wear this mask!”
SMH
@JnKL I think I saw the same guy at the supermarket last week.
He was talking to the guy behind the meat counter about how if he got sick he was going to sue his employer for not providing a mask and letting him work without one.
He was ranting about how they only cared about the money and not people’s health.
He was one of the only people in the store not wearing a mask or gloves…
@mike808@tinamarie1974 my first thought was:
“WHY would you even take the time to set that up and then edit in the pizza puppets???”
Then it flashed on me…
@chienfou@mike808@tinamarie1974 NSFW videos aren’t even a problem for me now, but that still frame is still enough of a deterrent to keep me from clicking on it.
@Kidsandliz But can I say, “I fucking LOVE science!!!”? That’s what all the cool kids say when they see a picture of space and Neil deGrasse Tyson tells them they’re supposed to think it’s amazing…
@Kidsandliz@msklzanni Could be, but I’m gonna place my money on the obvious answer. He silently mouthed the whole thing, and then recorded himself singing along to match his moving lips. Positive that’s how he did it.
@Kidsandliz@shahnm Basically that’s what I meant… that he was both doing the singing and lip-synching (or lip-synching and singing if you prefer). The main point I was trying to make is that it is likely to be his voice and not someone else’s.
Okay, now your turn.
@lisaviolet I like how they share a look of concern.
Hey. Don’t have a cow, ok?
These already belong to someone else.
@f00l I don’t have a cow. But I had to chase one out of my yard last night. (Again!
)
@f00l, @macromeh
Ima post a bunch because I’m bored.
@lisaviolet You’ve heard of the Freshman Fifteen? Well, this is what’ll be known as the COVID Nineteen.
There’s also the Corona Nine if you’ve been sticking to a liquid based diet of strictly cerveza & limes.
If you’ve just a wee bit of self control, and don’t pick up quite as much weight during The Fattening, you might get lucky only gaining the SARS Seven.
@lisaviolet
I got some serious bad news for ya.
Sit down. Brace yourself, ok?
Stay calm. Lemme explain.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
That is one heckuva cute Pomeranian!
/giphy Pomeranian
Not done yet (waiting for the coffee to cool)
@sammydog01
@sammydog01
Family Trip
@mike808
Social distancing explained in simple terms:
@chienfou Ah, a fellow man of culture.
/image monocle winnie the pooh
@chienfou
That’s not a fart. It’s a “Social Distancing Proximity Warning Siren.”
@shahnm Why did they use the Mad Max NES game cover image over the actual movie poster for The Road Warrior?
Incidentally, in case anyone is wondering, it’s a pretty inscrutable game.
@Limewater I transiently wondered that too, but then I realized I don’t actually give a fuck…
@Limewater @shahnm
2019: Lazy Bastard
2020: Responsible Adult
Because that is what heroes do.
Don’t have an instagram account and forwhatever reason, I seem unable to grab it, so here is the link
If you don’t get the humor, play the you tube video below
/youtube
I have been humming this and singing parts of it for many days before I saw the image above, now it is impossible to not think about it
(have no clue why it’s posting the video twice, shrug)(and who knows if it still is)
@Cerridwyn For some reason, I can’t see or click on whatever the instagram thing is that you posted.
@Cerridwyn @shahnm I believe the chalkboard image is the instagram link he mentioned and it automagically inserted it into the post…
But what do I know?
@Cerridwyn @chienfou I’m not seeing a chalkboard image or a link. I’d do a screenshot of what I am seeing, but that would require effort…
@Cerridwyn @shahnm OK, well THAT sucks.
Here ya go:
… but don’t blame me…
@Cerridwyn @chienfou Ah ha! That works. Thank you. I am now fulfilled.
@Cerridwyn @shahnm YW
Keith is immortal.
I’m giving up drinking and smoking pot for a month.
Edit - sorry for the typo, supposed to read:
I’m giving up. Drinking and smoking pot for a month.
(stolen and adapted from a FB meme
)
@DennisG2014 FWIW, I’ve sent this a couple of times to friends and improved it (IMO) a little bit:
“I’ve decided to give up drinking and smoking pot until this thing blows over.”
(etc.)
Feel free to steal and adapt as you like.
Berton Averre, lead guitarist for The Knack, and other band members, make their own My Sharona/Bye Corona video, in which an attempt is made to teach Averre’s dogs how to play the famous guitar riff.
@f00l love the bit at 2:40…!
@cranky1950
“you might fell a little pressure…”
@chienfou @cranky1950 The last patient said it felt funny, but that was because I was using my clown puppet.
@chienfou @cranky1950 @mehcuda67
The patient before them said it was rough, but that was because I was using my dog puppet.
@chienfou @cranky1950 @mike808 Please, not the porcupine puppet!!
@cranky1950 @mehcuda67 @mike808
or the @pufferfishy one either!
@chienfou How did I get dragged into this
@Pufferfishy
/giphy puffer fish
Living alone in the time of Coronavirus:
I’ve been having more frequent, longer and more passionate conversations with my cats and my TV.
And since you’re wondering, no, they haven’t been talking back to me, yet.
Honestly not sure if that’s better or worse than the alternative.
And no, this is not a stolen meme, this is my life. lol
I legitimately caught myself arguing with a TV commercial last night - I was “medicated” at the time, but still…
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
@DennisG2014 You have nothing to worry about… unless they start arguing back.
KuoH
@DennisG2014 @kuoh It isn’t even the arguing back that’s the problem. But when they start winning the arguments …
@DennisG2014 @kuoh In our home, they’re the ones who start it.
Hasselhof FTW!
@OldCatLady ❤❤❤
I have a really funny coronavirus joke, but I’m not going to share because I don’t want any of you to get it.
@zachdecker I know that joke too, but I’m over it.
@mike808 @zachdecker Everyone has heard it now. It went viral.
@mike808 @rockblossom @zachdecker A friend I know shared that joke, and it just KILLED!
@shahnm That’s great!
@lisaviolet It is honeydew season, and it is a bumper crop this year.
@lisaviolet With that third shift ramping up production, the supply of round tuits is endless.
/image round tuits
@lisaviolet Truth. Tough times for all.
@gerrymic
My new FB picture:
@lisaviolet I wonder how many tries that took LOL
@Kidsandliz @lisaviolet
this is what WFH looks like if you are on the PGA tour.
@tinamarie1974
Love it!!
Predictions call for a Baby Boom in approximately nine months from the start of home confinements.
Remarkably, they will all be first borns…
@chienfou And in 2034, they’ll be known as Quaranteens.
@OldCatLady
who will grow into quarantenials after a few years.
@chienfou @OldCatLady Me in 20 years: “Man, those Gen-Q’ers are a strange bunch. Everything is ‘viral’ for them.”
Prophecy from 10 years ago -
My wife sends me memes all day to make up for the fact that I don’t participate in Facebook.
@djslack Isn’t that ironic.
@lisaviolet And gas was under $2 per gallon. (That’s 50¢ per liter for the civilized world your children will live in).
@lisaviolet Home Ec. or Vocational training!
@lisaviolet I saw “y’all’s panic bying” and had a mental image of someone driving by and waving rather than coming in, which made no sense with the image. It took my brain a second or two before I realized it was “buying”. Aargh.
@rockblossom Yeah, it bothered me, but not enough to not share.
@lisaviolet @rockblossom Perhaps if everyone would use some of this newfound free time to brush up on basic grammar and spelling…
@lisaviolet @rockblossom @shahnm
/giphy nah
@lisaviolet @shahnm While my brain was well
indoctrinatededucated in English classes, my typing fingers were not paying attention much of the time and have their own rebellious ideas on occasion. I often notice what I have typed about 5.3 minutes after hitting the send button (or “Say it”), so I can’t really call anyone else out for it.@rockblossom @shahnm First you’d have to know there’s a problem. Just sayin’.
@lisaviolet Taco Bell delivers now.
@lisaviolet @OldCatLady
/giphy problem solved
@Kyeh
/image corona lisa
/youtube Hello (from the inside)
Am i the only person who woke up still bothered by Elton John saying he was in the only house he had without a piano then playing a keyboard at the end like that’s not the same damn thing?
@djslack
@djslack I’d imagine that for someone like Elton John, that’s like a master chef having nothing but frozen TV dinners to eat.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
@djslack
Not the same damned thing, for a prof musician.
However, since he can afford to outfit his houses however he prefers, why didn’t he have a piano in this house?
@f00l and a fiddle is not a Stradivarius but these are tough times and sometimes we just have to make do.
It’s just whoever wrote that special didn’t think it through, having him say that and then play at the end on a keyboard made it look like a lie. Or maybe that’s just me.
@djslack
I found the juxtaposition between the “no piano” complaint and “here’s a great keyboard tho” to be humorous/ironic.
I hope the EJ’s complaint was offered in a similar spirit.
@f00l true.
I must admit I was only half watching. When I saw him playing at the end I asked my wife “didn’t he say earlier he couldn’t perform because he had no piano?”
@djslack @f00l
I think they should do a rendition of “Imagine” to heal all of us. Why aren’t rich musicians doing more in these times from their mansions?
@djslack @therealjrn
Perhaps they’re busy. Maybe they’re all out buying firearms, ammo, and decommissioned missile silos.
@djslack @f00l @therealjrn explains why I cannot get one…
2 Guys, 1 Can
Pure comedy gold.
The punchline:
The mechanism for the spread of the corona virus as demonstrated by Heather Locklear.
@cranky1950 she did have a way of showing up everywhere uncontrollably.
@cranky1950 That dude who came up behind her, groped her, and sniffed her hair… A young Joe Biden before the hair plugs??
@cranky1950 @shahnm That was a very Biden-like move.
If it’d been Trump he would’ve grabbed her by the pussy and then just started kissing her, without even asking, and she’d have let him do it because he’s rich.
Or so I’ve heard.
Yes. Trump made that crass joke to a dude many years ago. That’s totally the same as actually doing that, for sure. And it’s the same as the (plausible and corroborated) accusations about Biden’s penetrative sexual assault(s), as well as the countless videos of him actually grabbing/touching/fondling and sniffing women of all ages. Because Orange Man Bad!
Or so I’ve heard.
@shahnm Sorry to disappoint you, but I do not like Joe Biden.
Creepy Uncle Joe Bad.
but
Orange Man Worse.
@shahnm So far Joe Biden has not been accused of rape unlike the treasury raider.
@cranky1950 Trump has never been credibly accused of rape. He may have paid for sex with a sleazy stripper, which is wretched, but not in the same league as forcible sexual contact.
Biden on the other hand… Believe it or not, the real news may be outside the purview of the activist left-wing media (which in the past people mistakenly referred to as the mainstream media). For those who prefer to remain comfortably deluded, there’s NBCCBSABCCNNMSNBCNYTWaPo… Take your pick. They’re all the same.
Otherwise, here’s a starting point, but there’s plenty more credible info out there among the more honest media outlets:
https://reason.com/2020/03/30/joe-biden-tara-reade-sexual-assault-media/
PS I didn’t really mean to hijack any part of this thread for political purposes - I meant my first biden comment as a silly side-note more than anything. I have a personal policy against getting political at Meh, which because of several glasses of Jamieson on the rocks with a twist of lime I seem to have really fucked up. If I made you angry or sad, I’m sorry. Feel free to say whatever you wish. I’ll let it be.
@cranky1950 @shahnm I’m not really a fan of Salon, and I’m sure you are not, but they make a pretty solid case for why this hasn’t become a mainstream story yet.
https://www.salon.com/2020/03/31/a-woman-accuses-joe-biden-of-sexual-assault-and-all-hell-breaks-loose-online-heres-what-we-know/
@cranky1950 @Limewater I’m just going all in on the Jamieson from this point on. Really. Fuck it. I’m going to drink my ass off tonight, and I’ll deal with the repercussions tomorrow while I contend with the death throes of my career that is probably seeing it’s final dying days at this point. It’s almost funny how many times I have had to retype this (and thank God for the automated spell-check)…
Maybe tomorrow, after the headaches and nausea, I’ll remember to come back and click on that Salon link. Though to be honest, I’ll probably have to have a few before I’ll be able to bring myself to click on a salon link…
@shahnm
Yes, yes you have. Poor Jamieson!
@Limewater @shahnm Ummm Bullshit. The Donald seems to have paid an awful lot of money to non-credible sources according to you. ;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Trump_sexual_misconduct_allegations
@cranky1950 @Limewater @shahnm
Sorry for tossing some gas on your fire.
This politics-as-a-team-sport garbage is not worth abusing yourself over.
I mean, if you want to get drunk, there are plenty of good reasons these days.
Waking up with a hang-over isn’t going to make anyone feel better about the current political divide.
I’d recommend cannabis as a self-medication to alleviate frustration over the current state of political discourse - it’s not just for hippy liberals anymore.
Hey you guys, I was kinda hoping we could keep political discussions off of this thread…
@cranky1950 @DennisG2014 @Limewater I am way way past drinking over politics… Yesterday, I reached into my bag of oh-shit-now-whats, read the card, and then hit the bottle. Probably do the same today. But politics is not one of the cards in that bag…
@lisaviolet Yeah. Sorry… I would truly prefer to keep Meh that way in general. I’m going to go self flagellate for a bit.
@shahnm that sounds nasty. I know what it means, but it’s one of those things that just sounds nasty.
@lisaviolet @shahnm
Hope you have recovered from your transgressions.
@chienfou @lisaviolet @shahnm
Could be worse, as in self-flatulation.
@lisaviolet @mike808 @shahnm
Is that when you fan the covers after you fart??
@chienfou @mike808 @shahnm
Check out the urban dictionary for “dutch oven”.
St. John’s Church, where Patrick Henry did the give me liberty or give me death speech is a great place for tours. Except now. Looks like they’re getting stir crazy.
@sammydog01 I remember an old kids’ joke, in which the punchline was “Pat-Chick, Henny”. I don’t remember the specifics, but the punch line seems apropos…
Or maybe it doesn’t. Jamiesons…
https://www.bunkerbranding.com/products/come-and-take-it?variant=32660467974275
@f00l yikes, sounds like an invitation to grab my boobs…pass
@f00l what is a SKIF knife? And why doesn’t Meh sell them?
@JnKL
No idea.
Hey @dave
Here is some sorta “SKIF knife” (see the above t-shirt link), that (I guess), Meh hasn’t yet offered for sale.
Whazzup w dat? How could this happen?
/giphy Bugs Bunny
The local concert venue made an announcement today.
I had to point out to my kid it was April Fool’s Day.
Needed to share this with yinz guys:
Stay the fuck at home as narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.
@Nate311 I hate clicking to yet another new window. Just put the youtube url here.
Time saver:
@f00l That is funny.
@f00l @therealjrn
I don’t know who Keith Richards is. I know Google would tell me, but my current mehtitude prevents me from doing so.
@f00l @therealjrn
I showed this to the wife. She Googled. I now know who he is. I guess this is funny because he is old too?
@jst1ofknd @therealjrn
Keith is one of these 4.
Keith has some degree of reputation for “unkillability”.
For those who have paid attention to his career and life …
He kinda shoulda been dead so many times that the people who know him well have lost count.
He still plays a mean guitar.
/youtube tumbling dice
@f00l @therealjrn
Thank you for the lesson. The memes I’ve seen on Imgur make more sense.
@f00l @jst1ofknd @therealjrn
OMG, and now I feel old…
Schrödinger’s Virus
We all have Schrödinger’s Virus now.
Because we cannot get tested,
we cannot know whether we have the virus or not.
We have to act as if we have the virus, so that we do not spread it to others.
We have to act as if we never had the vurus, because if we didn’t have it, we are not immune.
Therefore, we both have and do not have the virus.
Thus, Schrödinger’s Virus.
/image Schrodinger’s Toothbrush
@mike808
Think I’d rather have a cat, all told.
PS. That Schrodinger fellow is an asshole.
At least, I think so while in this moment’s mood.
@mike808
And I couldn’t agree more with this assessment.
Let’s see if this works…
/image Saint Schrodinger
The only April Fool’s Day joke email I got today.
For those running out of Toilet Paper:
I’m back! I’ve been washing windows and playing with ink.
Nick Heath is a freelance play-by-play and color sports announcer and rugby specialist, who now has time on his hands.
So he’s color-commentating and play-by-playing ordinary life.
Here are the finals of “2 lonely blokes in a park”.
Here are the finals of “intermediate waiting”
Finals of “pigeon dressage”
His YouTube channel is here, if you want more:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfpvU0QtyhV-DT_uRxg4mWzNuT6Dxx-Pj
Find him here on Twitter
https://twitter.com/nickheathsport?ref_src=twsrc^google|twcamp^serp|twgr^author
@f00l Funny stuff. ha ha
@lisaviolet As long as you aren’t in the habit of greeting people with other body parts, just washing your hands and elbows should be enough. Remember even without the virus, we still want to try and conserve resources.
KuoH
@kuoh Eh, this is the humor section. Not a real question, someone was being funny when they posted it.
I didn’t think it would be taken seriously, sorry.
@lisaviolet Guess I needed to add
I was originally say as long as you aren’t greeting other people with your genitals, you don’t have to wash them, but didn’t want to detract from my puritanic online persona.
KuoH
@kuoh Ya just never know, yanno?
@shahnm
Finally a Zodiac I completely believe!
@shahnm
That is one of the most horrible jokes I’ve ever seen. I must share it immediately!
Self-isolating horror director battles a Guillermo del Toro action figure in amazing short
Watch “Big Ass Spider!” director Mike Mendez take on the beloved Oscar-winner.
Entertainment Weekly story here:
https://apple.news/AxoudQrlJTDu-4zx1O97neA
@f00l I think all the free time is getting to some of us…
Fuh those of youz from New England:
@shahnm Wicked pissah funny, brah.
@shahnm Boston’s mayor was just on TV and he said that when we leave the house, we should cover our faces with a “scahve or bandaner”.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Found the video if anyone is bored enough to be interested.
“Scarf” wasn’t as bad as I remembered, but “bandanner” is classic Bostonian.
At ~1:55.
https://www.wcvb.com/article/mayor-marty-walsh-introduces-new-stricter-stay-at-home-guidelines-for-boston-residents/32045601
Also, it’s worth mentioning that Maaahty Walsh’s predecessor’s accent was far, far stronger.
I think a severe accent is a prerequisite for running for mayor of Boston.
If you want to hear the worst of the worst, google Thomas Menino - late, long-time mayor of Boston, aka “mumbles” and/or “mush-mouth” Menino.
/bored post
Found this. I rather enjoyed it.
COVID-19 PSA
This Woman Accidentally Turned Herself Into A Potato For A Video Meeting And Couldn’t Figure Out How To Fix It
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/laurenstrapagiel/potato-boss-video-call
@Kyeh
I’ve seen one video where a man stood up and was wearing just boxers and his shirt.
I saw another where a woman went to the bathroom while on a zoom conference call. I’d rather be a potato than either of those.
@Kyeh
@jst1ofknd @Kyeh HAHA
@jst1ofknd @Kyeh For once it isn’t Zoom’s fault.
KuoH
@chienfou is definitely to blame for… whatever this is.
@jst1ofknd Oh, yeah! I saw that, only they blurred her out on the evening news.
Poor Jennifer! I’m going to keep doing Zoom without video, myself.
@tinamarie1974 This is the BEST!!
Son of a bitch!!
@tinamarie1974 HAHAHA
@therealjrn @tinamarie1974 Man. That totally blows!
A culinary masterpiece for the ages.
@mike808 some of those cheese swirls look like they came out of a litter box…
Keepin it real.
@mike808 Love this one.
If the Darwin Awards had a theme song, Astronomia would be it.
Dark times call for dark humor.
@mike808
I want those pall bearers at my funeral!
Now YouTube is suggesting these for me.
@jst1ofknd Well done!
@therealjrn Happy Easter
The spread of Coronavirus has only two factors:
@mike808 Which is why the New York metro area has half of the cases in the entire U.S…
Everyone is looking for new recipes to try during the quarantine…can’t wait to try this one!!
Thursday April 16, 2020
[to make it easier to tell what has been looked at before]
@mediocrebot dumbass bot posted this before reading the jokes below
Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. (You’re welcome!)
I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors! *****
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers…
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
“Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy.”
We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
[above from a compilation sent to me in email from an alumni association of old fogies like me]
Friend of mine’s front yard (she made the sock monkey and likely made the masks too).
@Kidsandliz brrrr!
@llangley Weather in MA. Based on the sidewalks and driveway I’d presume it melted pretty quickly.
@llangley
And here they are today (temp over 60 she says)
Another good YouTube suggestion!
Bless her sociopathic heart.
There are faster ways to get herself out of the gene pool than COVID-19.
@mike808 “Her body my health”. Oh wait. She is only thinking of herself.
@mike808 but she has a bandanna around her neck, ssooooooo
This sign was seen at the protest Sunday at the Colorado State Capitol.
https://www.boredpanda.com/quarantine-working-from-home-bathroom-rats-banksy/
Thursday April 23, 2020
THE GLOBAL RECESSION
The recession has hit everybody really hard. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center
in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
@phendrick and I was worried about you. Sigh…
@tinamarie1974 Thank you – Somebody has to…
I have no siblings, my parents are both dead more than a dozen years now, my wife is in Alzheimer’s care, our son is married with his own family to worry about (and comes by mainly when they are out of TP), my friends must all owe me money (since I never hear from them), my dog only worries about the cats outside, and those cats only worry about whether I will put food outside for them any time soon…
Most of my mail is either bills or ads or pre-screened credit offers or requests for donations from the few charities my wife gave to and the many those sold my address to. Now that the local elections are over, I don’t even hear much from politicians, except those parties on the national scene, and I usually wouldn’t give those the time of day, much less more money than they already have…
95% of my phone calls are identified by my phone system as either “Spam?” or “Robo?”; others have been caller-IDed as from the local phone exchanges (I just let the answering system take those – less than maybe 5% leave a message) and when I try to return those calls I get a phone company message that I have dialed a “not in service” number…
I used to be a moderate social drinker and beer, wine, or a drink during or after a meal. Lately, I can’t even get interested in that – most of the alcohol I intake is from the fumes on the sanitizer I use – bought Everclear for that (remembered it from my college days) and otherwise it has been just sitting on the countertop…
I miss the opiate of the masses…
Enough about the good times: I just went for a drive with my dog to pay some bills, and found the traffic to be the most I’ve seen in about a month and a half. Restrictions on “non-essential” businesses are being relaxed some, and apparently a lot of people have found their car and pickup keys again and their batteries were still good…
Also, there was a traffic backup for about a dozen minutes. Looked like every available PD and FD and even some EMT vehicles from several counties around plus a couple of hearses. On news about 3 weeks ago was an item about a police officer from a neighboring county who had died at his home local here, but at the time there were no immediate funeral plans (and AFAIK, no cause of death announced). I guess this was that. Must have been over a hundred “first responder” vehicles (including fire trucks) in the procession, plus numerous others. They seemed to be driving over the speed limit and had lights and sirens going and were definitely not “safe social distancing” the vehicles from each other. These are different times.
Apparently even the local university students are going stir-crazy. From local news this afternoon: “A non-credible bomb threat has been reported to University police.” Two months ago there would have been 50 thousand students on campus, if they had made it back from spring break.
Lately, I’ve been trying to soak up as much humor as possible. Meh is always good for that, especially with the comments on some of the “goods” (are they?) sold last few days. Hope this humor thread stays alive as long as the CV does. On the down side, opened my first IRK/FUK ever a couple of days ago. I understand why the R is in capital letters – didn’t see but one or two described as pitiful as mine was. Maybe it should be a DIRK; D for Disappointing. Still waiting for the real box to show up…
tl;dr
Thanks, hope everybody stays safe and keeps posting laffs here. Keep the mean-spirited politics out, or I will have Vito pay you a visit (or put you on the AOC mailing list)…
Nuns from Spain playing “social distancing basketball”
A few of them seem to have a little more game than the others.
But, I think, they’re holding back on the MJ-level moves until the NBA gives them a franchise of their own.
…
@f00l I see a boobie.
@f00l @therealjrn omg I was JUST thinking that the pic looked like a boob!! Thank you!
@f00l @therealjrn @tinamarie1974 An asteroid mammogram?
KuoH
@f00l @kuoh @therealjrn @tinamarie1974
See “potitties” earlier in this thread…
Monday April 27, 2020
In case you are confused by any of the authoritative advice on Covid-19, this might help you straighten it out:
I believe I’ve heard everything on here at one point or another, from various experts.
Note: I had to manually change it to full screen to see the face of the reporter.
@phendrick
“reporter”
funny stuff, this is how irony works.
@phendrick
Seems legit to me.
@jst1ofknd @phendrick any way to get a link that isn’t tied to the facebook page? I’d love to send this to a few folks but I don’t do facebook…
never mind I found it:
(here it is if you want to share it…)
@chienfou @jst1ofknd I don’t do facebook either, if it is anything that has to be signed in for. Clicking on what I had above didn’t require a login.
But the YT link will be even handier; thanks.
@jst1ofknd @phendrick
YW. My issue was trying to send the link to other folks without using FB. I wanted to text the link to my son.
Cat t-shirt for covid-19:
(hey @narfcake here is a cat t-shirt)
back says
Actually the no kill shelter is trying to raise money with these as donations are way down.
If you want one here is how to buy:
@Kidsandliz Do you know how the sizes run? Would a women’s medium be a small for one of these?
@Kyeh I don’t know. Looking up their phone on google it is (769) 216-3414. You could call them to ask them to measure arm pit to arm pit when laid flat, center back to bottom, bottom edge to bottom edge and across the top of shoulders in the back for the size you are interested in (to save time measure yours first so you can ask them to go up or down depending on what they tell you). Maybe ask them to look at the brand of t-shirt and maybe it would be possible to tell that way? I know several people on here seem to know the ins and outs of t-shirt sizes by brand of blanks.
Also notice their email isn’t the one in the sample info for what they need from you, rather it is arfms@comcast.net
@Kidsandliz Great, thanks!
@Kyeh The person I needed to talk to apparently didn’t work today so no answer today. Sorry.
@Kidsandliz Okay, thanks, no hurry. Interestingly enough, this showed up in my email right above an appeal from a cat shelter here. They ought to sell shirts too!
@Kyeh They are unisex, apparently, in the opinion of the person I reached today on the phone, run a little big. Blank brand is Gildan. Here is a sizing chart I found on line (width is across the chest):
@Kidsandliz Hey, that’s great - thank you!
@Kyeh You are welcome. I am reasonably sure you could exchange it if it didn’t fit (refunding postage may be an issue because they are selling these to try to make up for lost donations).
Captcha Hell is not just for IRKs and Mehrathons.
I installed CAPTCHA to save my fellow robots from wasting money on this crap.
@mike808 But but but what if the dog’s name is Muffin?
@tinamarie1974 funny story. Two weeks ago I listened to a rant from one of my operators about how the company didn’t care if they lived or died because the company didn’t have masks for everyone.
Last Friday we took delivery of 2,000 masks. Should be enough for 4 weeks.
Yesterday we made it mandatory for everyone to wear a mask.
Same operator, “you cannot MAKE me wear this mask!”
SMH
@JnKL @tinamarie1974
Give them one of these mandatory conscientious objector cards to fill out and file with HR.
@JnKL I think I saw the same guy at the supermarket last week.
He was talking to the guy behind the meat counter about how if he got sick he was going to sue his employer for not providing a mask and letting him work without one.
He was ranting about how they only cared about the money and not people’s health.
He was one of the only people in the store not wearing a mask or gloves…
@DennisG2014 yep, that’s him!
@DennisG2014 @JnKL goes to show that some people just like to bitch!
Day 27
@mike808
Just WHAT did you make me watch?
@mike808 creeeepy!
@jst1ofknd You want the link to the 10 hour version?
@mike808
No!
@mike808 Absolutely not.
Maybe never again…
@mike808 I think I need therapy after watching the clip. That was disturbing
@mike808 @tinamarie1974 my first thought was:
“WHY would you even take the time to set that up and then edit in the pizza puppets???”
Then it flashed on me…
@chienfou @mike808 @tinamarie1974 NSFW videos aren’t even a problem for me now, but that still frame is still enough of a deterrent to keep me from clicking on it.
KuoH
@kuoh @mike808 @tinamarie1974
wise choice!
@shahnm
so maybe it’s NOT better to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…
(sorry Bill…)
@chienfou @shahnm
Wot? Taking an arrow to the knee wasn’t enough for you? Showoff.
@Kidsandliz But can I say, “I fucking LOVE science!!!”? That’s what all the cool kids say when they see a picture of space and Neil deGrasse Tyson tells them they’re supposed to think it’s amazing…
@shahnm
Phantom of the QUARANTINE (A Phantom of the Opera Parody)
@Kidsandliz He’s lip syncing in the video, but whoever is singing that can blow!
@Kidsandliz @shahnm I’m pretty sure he recorded it and then lip-synched. He’s an opera singer.
@Kidsandliz @msklzanni Could be, but I’m gonna place my money on the obvious answer. He silently mouthed the whole thing, and then recorded himself singing along to match his moving lips. Positive that’s how he did it.
@Kidsandliz @shahnm Basically that’s what I meant… that he was both doing the singing and lip-synching (or lip-synching and singing if you prefer). The main point I was trying to make is that it is likely to be his voice and not someone else’s.
When can we get refurbs on Meh?
Calling @tinamarie1974
@Kidsandliz omg that is adorable
@tinamarie1974 It’s not quite quarantine humor but I figured you needed that (grin).