@ConAndLibrarian@Curtise My best friend’s wife was script supervisor on Up, which meant she was at every recording session. When she was allowed to tell me Ed Asner was in the movie she was working on, I geeked out and said, “That means you’re one handshake away from Mary Tyler Moore!” She said, “Handshake, hell. When I met him he pinched my ass!”
I would get married, but he would get stripped of his ssdi (under his dad’s work credits, special rules for those disabled prior to turning 26), so we can’t. My income alone isn’t enough to support us. If money and his potential access to Medicaid someday isn’t a concern, we’ll consider eloping.
@Jamileigh17 In Texas at least, if you present yourself as a married couple, for most things ypu are considered married. Just call one another husband and wife.
@WTFsunshine "Despite much belief to the contrary, the length of time you live together does not by itself determine whether a common law marriage exists. No state law or court decision says seven years or ten years of cohabitation is all that is needed for a common law marriage. It’s only one factor the court may consider." http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/living-together-book/chapter2-4.html
@WTFsunshine Common law requirements vary widely and not all states recognize common law, but in any case it’s not just cohabitation. How the couple present themselves (ie, do they identify as a married couple? Do they have joint ownership of property, joint bank accounts, etc). It can be cause difficulties if parties move from a common law to a non-common law area, or just one with different standards on the books. Legally, it’s best to actually either get married or sign appropriate paperwork. Might not seem like a big deal, but when your other half is lying in a medically induced coma with heart failure it’s an incredibly shitty time to discover that legally you can’t be given any information about their status or make in decisions in their care. Been there, done that, have the power of attorney to prove.
No, Maw, she’s not in the mood to get married yet. Or perhaps ever. Or perhaps she might get married someday in a very unconventional way. Or perhaps not. Or perhaps she’ll just continue to drive you crazy.
Got it, Maw? Now, she loves you, but lay off for a while already.
1.5 times?
The first one was 7 months and ‘annulled’ because she was a cheating lying deceptive bitch that I actually caught.
The second one is 30+ amazing years with a wonderful woman.
Never married, never dated, never even kissed. Not that I don’t want to, just have unrealistically high standards and a bit of a cruel streak that wards off any women smart enough to attract me.
@simplersimon
Getting along with people well enough to gain the positives from relationships - or even one relationship - is a learned skill. Like playing the piano, but way more complex.
The way people get good at this art is the way they get good at piano: by practicing and struggling to improve their conduct, habits, and attitudes; by learning how to both hold their ground and learn from others and innovate; and working to extend their understandings of themselves, each other, and the world; and seeking to make it better, constantly.
Unfortunately, regarding this topic, I’m a hypocritical bullshit artist. So take it as you will.
@simplersimon unrealistic because you don’t have the same to offer as you expect? This is common…somehow people assume that the smart/beautiful/rich etc person that they want would be attracted to their unintelligent/ugly/poor self…Marry up but don’t feel entitled to!
@tightwad pretty much. I’m smart enough to realize when someone is not attracted to me, and I usually know why, but it’s things I’m too stubborn/lazy to change. Like my stubbornness and laziness. Another part might be a combination of how many friends and relatives have been in abusive relationships, or gone through nasty divorces, so I am extremely cautious about starting any romantic relationship.
nope. But if someone decent were to come along, sure. I like my current guy, but he’s proving to be incredibly lazy. And if I’m saying that, he could be in the running for laziest worldwide.
They DON’T change for the good after you get married!
Not entirely true. Many do change for the better, I have repeatedly observed and been told this by persons who claim they did, and also by their spouses.
But they prob have to be the sort of person who would be changing for the better, married or no.
I understand this “changing for the better” thing ain’t easy. A person not only has to want it, they have to want it more than they want everything else.
Everyone changes. Expecting your spouse, or yourself, to never change is unrealistic. It’s a question of if you still love the person they become, and if they still love you. My 2nd changed after we moved, and I couldn’t stand what he became.
@Mavyn this is a good point. i think maybe what it really boils down to is that you can’t expect someone to change in a certain way.
i also think to @f00l’s point, just by nature of getting older and time passing, people will change in some way. my partner for the longest time couldn’t separate “settling down” from “getting married.” getting married doesn’t force you to do X or Y, people just decide they’d rather do X or Y, and have found someone who feels the same way.
similarly yet conversely, my ex expected me to “settle down” as soon as we moved in together. he decided he preferred the company of our roommate and hours of tv poker or war movies to going out. i preferred not changing at all from the person he met. neither is good or bad - it was sad to grow apart from someone i had previously considered spending the rest of my life with, but we just grew our separate ways.
natural change can be fine, but expectation of change will likely ruin your relationship, imho.
@f00l@moondrake
While Windjammer is the most expensive vacation we have taken (including several trips to Europe over the years) it is also by far the most relaxing one we have ever taken as well.
All the clothes/supplies you will need easily fit in a carry-on bag
Dressing for dinner means putting on a t-shirt.
When you get on the boat, you put your shoes in a big wooden box. This keeps sand off the decks, and consequently, out of your bed. You get them back when you are going off the boat
The entire passenger list is small (12 to 20ish) so you get a chance to meet people and get to know them during the week at sea
Since they are small boats, you get to stop at small ports. Many stops are on uninhabited or sparsely inhabited islands where all there is to do is throw out an ‘ENO’ and hang out reading a book/kindle, snorkel in the bays or marine preserves, or ride the SUP and kayaks they have on board.
There is a cooler full of iced soft drinks, water, shandy and beer available on deck 24/7 (or at the beach when they put you ashore). This is included in the price.
Rum drinks and snacks at happy hour in the afternoon.
Here’s a link to a video we made last time (2015) we went: Diamant Cruise
@moondrake Yeah, we are really looking forward to it. Last time we took 50lbs of stuff to an orphanage in St. Lucia for our weight allowance since we didn’t have to check anything. There is a website called stuffyourrucksack.com that specializes in putting you in contact with a charity/NGO etc in areas you plan to visit that you can help out by bringing stuff they need in your excess baggage allowance. (edit) Bummer! I tried to go to the website but got a 404 error so I guess they have closed up shop. Too bad as it was a brilliant idea and the nuns at the orphanage in St Lucia were very appreciative of the supplies we brought (liquid tylenol, diapers, printer ink, stuffed animals, etc.)
guess I’ll need to check my old contact list and see if I can help them out again this trip.
@chienfou@chienfou Too bad the site shut down, I would have been glad to use it. The last time we went to the Caribbean one of the excursions we went on was to dig up baby sea turtles who had not managed to climb to the surface from their nests. They only have a few hours after hatching to dig their way out or suffocate. Quite a few of them don’t manage to make it to the surface and die without help. It was hosted by a volunteer organization that uses these excursions to get some free manpower. Before the trip I ordered a couple dozen leather and wood sea turtle bracelets from China to donate for them to sell to tourists to make a little extra money. I got them for about $0.65 a piece and I figure they could sell them for at least five bucks a piece to the tourists.
Couldn’t find the pictures in my computer or on my cameras, so that’s worrisome but I took a snapshot of the photo book I made from the trip. This is the little guy that I personally dug up from under about 3 feet of sand and got to set free into the ocean. Worth the whole trip.
Got engaged once; we were together for years both before and after the engagement, for a total time longer than many marriages, but we were never actually married. He was a good man, but was not good for me, even if it took me years to realize that. I left that relationship a little over two years ago and don’t regret that decision.
At this point in my life, I value my independence legally and logistically, and give multiple people emotional labor and validation when I can. If I ever decide I don’t want to live this way, I’m sure I can figure it out, but it’s working for me.
@smyle Just celebrated 17 years married and 20 years together. First son is in the military becoming a corp man and second about to drive. It is grand!
never, and no current plans. been with my partner ten years and counting. thankfully neither of our parents pressure us. (not that they never bring it up, but rarely and his mom does it teasing, my dad does it for tax purposes. ;))
we’re creatures of habit, too, so though we’ve never married or pretended to be, most people eventually just started referring to us as husband and wife. kind of interesting. (usually if we correct them, they’ll decide that because we’ve been together so long it doesn’t matter and they’ll announce that it still counts or whatever.)
@jerk_nugget I get that too. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years now, and there are lots of our friends who are honestly surprised when they find out we’re not married. And, interestingly, most people know my full name, but not his. He gets called Mr Mavyn a LOT.
Probably my favorite ‘not my name’ was from a nurse…he was in the hospital last year, and I was his official medical representative so I spoke to all the doctors and nurses, made appointments, went over test results, etc. All the nurses knew this, and they all knew we were not married. Most just used my first name, but one kept calling me ‘Mrs’…and about halfway through a conversation she said ‘Oh…but you aren’t married. You probably have your own name, don’t you?’
We both married out of lust; thinking that was love.
Ended badly.
Spouse made a bad decision to leave and go back
home to take care of aging parents. Ended badly
because she didn’t include me in the plan and took
everything while I was at work one day. Not thought
out and she didn’t intend to end the marriage from it
but, that’s what happened!
Current marriage. Well thought out. Careful and
thoughtful courtship. Shared core values. Physical
attraction and intellectual compatibility.
BFF!
Just the once for almost 7 years. Ended nearly 3 years ago with very little fallout, and I haven’t really dated since. I’ve never wanted kids (which is basically what ended things with my ex when she switched her stance), so no ticking clock, and I’m quite content to have close friends and more flexibility/freedom for now.
But I think the institution of marriage is good and would probably give it another shot if everything lined up perfectly.
Regarding the writeup: even if you had two twin comforters, wouldn’t the single queen sheet still cause issues?
@ScottN It depends on why the comforter causes an issue. If it’s the hogging issue, then yes, the sheet is still an issue. If it’s a temperature issue, less so, since it’s easier to take off ‘your’ comforter without uncovering your other half, or vice versa.
@ScottN friends (both Attorneys), on their bachelor/bachelorette party night (it was a “modern” combined party) stood in front of eveybody there, proclaiming “We will never have nor want kids.”
(After getting to know his household, I totally understood. It was the coldest, most business-like “home” I’d ever visited. Not a ounce of heart to be felt.)
Individually, each of them confided, “While we do like eachother, we’re getting married because you have to be married (not necessarily to an another attorney, of course!) to make partner at a firm.”
Ironically, 1) They’re still married something like 30 years later, and 2) While both are still practicing attorneys, I do not believe either has worked at a firm for more than two years their entire career.
@RedOak Sorry to pick one statement from that post, but it bothers me a bit that people who don’t want kids are usually stereotyped as cold, unfeeling, or heartless.
I moved to a new area about two years ago and didn’t know anybody in the city. Since, I’ve made dozens of friends, and some of them have responded with surprise when I tell them I don’t want children. “But you’re so caring/nice/friendly,” they say, with the implication being those who don’t want kids must be that way because they’re incapable of loving or caring for others.
One of the kindest men I’ve ever known is married, does not have children, and (as far as I know) isn’t planning to. One of the “coldest” guys I’ve ever known has two daughters. The friendliest people in my parents’ neighborhood are the couple in their 50s/60s with no kids. My borderline-acerbic coworker (sysadmin) and his very analytical wife just had their second kid.
I’m just sick of people acting like kids are the path to happiness for all “normal” or “good” people (not in your post so much, more generally).
@ScottN you’re generalizing and reading way too much into that story. It was simply about that guy (when we visited on weekends home from college his parents shook hands with him or barely reacted - no hugs. What would you call that?) and that couple.
We have lots of married friends who do not have kids. It would also be too easy to stereotype them as selfish when it simply isn’t true.
@ScottN yep, that’s why the term “childfree” (vs. “childless”) exists for us. (i.e. people like me who actively choose not to have children.) people are always judgy about it. they say condescending things like “talk to me in a few years” or “you’ll change your mind” or “wait till that clock starts ticking” or “can’t wait until the next time i see you guys and she’s out to here!” (the most recent thing a casual acquaintance said while i was standing there.)
they’re also often just surprised/confused, because while plenty of my fellow childfree friends just plain don’t like kids, i do. when i was younger and had to go to various after school programs, i always helped with the younger kids and returned in summers to volunteer. one of them had a sister place that was for toddlers and i went over there to hold babies all afternoon. i loved dolls growing up and would treat them like real infants. i stayed with two of my aunts when they had children to help. and actually? if i could have an eternal baby, i might have kids. being pregnant or giving birth doesn’t wig me out, and the newborn phase that many people can’t wait to get past is really the only part i like. once they start to turn into people i just lose interest. and mentally and financially, i just can’t see devoting my life to another person that i would have to care for forever. when i was younger i thought that might change, but i’m now mid 30s and it just hasn’t.
i do periodically feel guilty because i had a really cool childhood and have so many things i’d like to pass on, and my parents would be the most amazing grandparents (i think that’s what really stings me the most, although they’ve never pressured me), but i just can’t force my brain to want something that i just…don’t. it’s like a switch that’s been turned off. /rambling
@ScottN also, to your first post, we don’t use a flat sheet. just the fitted over the mattress and comforters inside duvet covers, which i wash regularly with the rest of our laundry.
Just once. I was 31 when we started dating. 32 years ago this past weekend. The only guy who didn’t drive me crazy. Got engaged that October, married new year’s eve.
Zero. Too picky and too insecure to take that kind of commitment. As it turns out, I just found out one of my friends from high school is engaged to be married; date set for June 2018. His first.
Never and maybe I will at some point, but maybe I won’t. I’m not against marriage, but it’s also not something I have to have in my life. All that matters to me is that my other half and I are happy together.
Just passed 33 years. We married shortly after he turned 19 and just before I turned 19. We made it through 25 years of active duty, 2 countries ( and a remote tour that lasted a year just after the first Gulf War, as well as one deployment to the Middle East) and 3 kids. We now have on granddaughter and a grandson on the way. I hope we get to meet them both in August. The granddaughter is in Detroit, grandson will be in Omaha.
It has its justifications. People who get really good marriages, and both sides really work at it, make for far happier, healthier, higher-achieving, richer, more befriended, mire respected, more influential souls all their lives.
Assuming that both parties are stable and hard working and empathetic and of good character to begin with.
I am deficient here.
But it’s something about 2-for-each-other-and-against-the-world’s-trials-and-troubles, instead of one. You’re not alone be. Ya got each other’s back.
@f00l Having been in such a partnership as you describe, I adamantly agree with all you say. That relationship was headed towards marriage. Sadly, illness and mortality intervened to sabotage one potential future.
@ruouttaurmind
I am really sorry that you lost someone that special to you.
Was it recent?
I hope that, if you want another shot, you get one.
I think - I hope - we get better at these connections and choices as we get older. The downside is that once one isn’t young, social life isn’t oriented toward meeting people open to relationships, people are settled into their lives, people are naturally more wary of change or of taking the time and energy to get closer to someone new.
And often people who frequent places and activities designed for “meeting up”, might not be the most sympatico with you; and these venues might not be the best for meeting someone who will be right for and mesh well with you.
I suss that once we are past our late 30’s in age, there can be a lot of luck and serendipity involved in finding a bit of stability, good judgment, compatibility, decency, deep affection, and a bit of “magic” in the same soul.
I know a few who met the right soul thru shared activities - volunteering, sports or fitness, churches/organizations or other voluntary communities; which allowed getting to know someone over time as a whole human being, with no particular pressure on the encounters.
Otoh I have approx the worst judgment in history aside from sociopaths, am more or less insane (people will vouch), have apparently zero interest in being sensible, and am not good at guessing how something (that I intend to be amusing and completely not-targeted at any other human) will land.
OTOH, you seem to be the sort of person who would make an excellent life partner for someone who shares your sense of humor and your values.
So I guess I’m hoping that either you have, or will manage to get, a life where you get to look around in an easy, unhurried way, make some new friends who are of substance, and perhaps find someone who is beyond special to you for all the future.
@Shrdlu I think one of the saddest stories I ever had in a newscast was a guy who died in a car wreck on his way to his wedding. You are right, cherish the time you’re able to get.
@jqubed, I was mired in the grief for a time, but emerged with a sense of gladness for the laughs we shared, the memories we made. These things are always mine, whatever the future may bring.
@Shrdlu, I thank you for your wisdom. I continue to cherish the precious time we were able to enjoy. I hold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
@f00l, You are a thoughtful, compassionate soul. I thank you for your kind words.
I will share one memory, then we will return to the regularly scheduled mayhem…
A had a grownup job back then, but I was also doing the club DJ thing a few nights a week. I’d usually get home from the clubs at 2:30 or 3am.
Often the phone would ring just about the moment I was walking in the door. “Booty call!” says you. Nay! “Living room picnic!” says I.
She would bring over an unusual assortment of crackers, cheeses and whatever bizarre fruit she managed to turn up in the gourmet shop. We’d spread a blanket on the living room floor, snack on overpriced cheese, and watch really bad infomercials 'till the sun came up! (her favorite was the spray-on hair for bald chaps) Sure, I had cable, HBO, a DVD player. But it wouldn’t be Living Room Picnic without bad infomercials!
Then she’d do the walk of shame down the driveway as I hopped in the shower and headed back to work. Exhausted and exalted, and never, ever willing to trade a moment of living room picnic time for a minute of sleep.
/image biting New Yorker cartoon on the topic of marriage
/giphy marriage
@alphapeaches Now I will cry for the next 20 minutes. Thanks.
@curtise that darn movie gets me every time.
/giphy Disney’s Up opening scene
@ConAndLibrarian @Curtise My best friend’s wife was script supervisor on Up, which meant she was at every recording session. When she was allowed to tell me Ed Asner was in the movie she was working on, I geeked out and said, “That means you’re one handshake away from Mary Tyler Moore!” She said, “Handshake, hell. When I met him he pinched my ass!”
Answer: Too many.
I would get married, but he would get stripped of his ssdi (under his dad’s work credits, special rules for those disabled prior to turning 26), so we can’t. My income alone isn’t enough to support us. If money and his potential access to Medicaid someday isn’t a concern, we’ll consider eloping.
@Jamileigh17 I agree - get the government out of this whole marriage thing.
@Jamileigh17 In Texas at least, if you present yourself as a married couple, for most things ypu are considered married. Just call one another husband and wife.
@moondrake I thought there was something that said after seven years you are considered common law spouses? Or am I way off on that?
@WTFsunshine "Despite much belief to the contrary, the length of time you live together does not by itself determine whether a common law marriage exists. No state law or court decision says seven years or ten years of cohabitation is all that is needed for a common law marriage. It’s only one factor the court may consider."
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/living-together-book/chapter2-4.html
@WTFsunshine Common law requirements vary widely and not all states recognize common law, but in any case it’s not just cohabitation. How the couple present themselves (ie, do they identify as a married couple? Do they have joint ownership of property, joint bank accounts, etc). It can be cause difficulties if parties move from a common law to a non-common law area, or just one with different standards on the books. Legally, it’s best to actually either get married or sign appropriate paperwork. Might not seem like a big deal, but when your other half is lying in a medically induced coma with heart failure it’s an incredibly shitty time to discover that legally you can’t be given any information about their status or make in decisions in their care. Been there, done that, have the power of attorney to prove.
This is my mother’s favorite topic. I thought you were above this Meh. I’ll just sigh and change the subject. Can you believe the weather today?
@mehgrl Little did you know the Meh poll is available for hire and your mother figured this out.
@jqubed I wouldn’t put it past her.
@mehgrl
No, Maw, she’s not in the mood to get married yet. Or perhaps ever. Or perhaps she might get married someday in a very unconventional way. Or perhaps not. Or perhaps she’ll just continue to drive you crazy.
Got it, Maw? Now, she loves you, but lay off for a while already.
@mehgrl I can, in fact, believe the weather today - as I just saw it.
1.5 times?
The first one was 7 months and ‘annulled’ because she was a cheating lying deceptive bitch that I actually caught.
The second one is 30+ amazing years with a wonderful woman.
@daveinwarsh
But how do you really feel?
Do tell!
@f00l I’m holding back my true feelings here… lol
@daveinwarsh
Didn’t she mess you over by taking your car and other valuable possessions?
Never married, never dated, never even kissed. Not that I don’t want to, just have unrealistically high standards and a bit of a cruel streak that wards off any women smart enough to attract me.
@simplersimon
Getting along with people well enough to gain the positives from relationships - or even one relationship - is a learned skill. Like playing the piano, but way more complex.
The way people get good at this art is the way they get good at piano: by practicing and struggling to improve their conduct, habits, and attitudes; by learning how to both hold their ground and learn from others and innovate; and working to extend their understandings of themselves, each other, and the world; and seeking to make it better, constantly.
Unfortunately, regarding this topic, I’m a hypocritical bullshit artist. So take it as you will.
@simplersimon unrealistic because you don’t have the same to offer as you expect? This is common…somehow people assume that the smart/beautiful/rich etc person that they want would be attracted to their unintelligent/ugly/poor self…Marry up but don’t feel entitled to!
@tightwad pretty much. I’m smart enough to realize when someone is not attracted to me, and I usually know why, but it’s things I’m too stubborn/lazy to change. Like my stubbornness and laziness.
Another part might be a combination of how many friends and relatives have been in abusive relationships, or gone through nasty divorces, so I am extremely cautious about starting any romantic relationship.
Obligatory New Yorker cartoon:
Twenty-three years and going strong.
@SSteve
Y’all look awesome.
@SSteve Those some sah-weet haircuts!
nope. But if someone decent were to come along, sure. I like my current guy, but he’s proving to be incredibly lazy. And if I’m saying that, he could be in the running for laziest worldwide.
@Fuzzalini Smart cookie. They DON’T change for the good after you get married!
@looseneck
Not entirely true. Many do change for the better, I have repeatedly observed and been told this by persons who claim they did, and also by their spouses.
But they prob have to be the sort of person who would be changing for the better, married or no.
I understand this “changing for the better” thing ain’t easy. A person not only has to want it, they have to want it more than they want everything else.
Everyone changes. Expecting your spouse, or yourself, to never change is unrealistic. It’s a question of if you still love the person they become, and if they still love you. My 2nd changed after we moved, and I couldn’t stand what he became.
@Mavyn this is a good point. i think maybe what it really boils down to is that you can’t expect someone to change in a certain way.
i also think to @f00l’s point, just by nature of getting older and time passing, people will change in some way. my partner for the longest time couldn’t separate “settling down” from “getting married.” getting married doesn’t force you to do X or Y, people just decide they’d rather do X or Y, and have found someone who feels the same way.
similarly yet conversely, my ex expected me to “settle down” as soon as we moved in together. he decided he preferred the company of our roommate and hours of tv poker or war movies to going out. i preferred not changing at all from the person he met. neither is good or bad - it was sad to grow apart from someone i had previously considered spending the rest of my life with, but we just grew our separate ways.
natural change can be fine, but expectation of change will likely ruin your relationship, imho.
/giphy twu wuv
Giphy, have you even seen Princess Bride? You know what, forget it.
/giphy princess bride true love
@ManBehindPlan LOVE Princess Bride! Read that to our baby while still in the womb. One of my fondest memories.
Has enough responses that it needs to be split into two options to be useful:
@RedOak good point… and don’t forget the multiple/still married folks in the polygamous community
Just 1X = 40 yrs this Sept. Celebrating with a Windjammer Cruise from Grenada to St Lucia with a group of friend/relatives. Whoohooo!
@chienfou Windjammer = luxe.
@chienfou
: )
@f00l @moondrake
While Windjammer is the most expensive vacation we have taken (including several trips to Europe over the years) it is also by far the most relaxing one we have ever taken as well.
Here’s a link to a video we made last time (2015) we went: Diamant Cruise
@chienfou sounds like a fantastic vacation!
@moondrake Yeah, we are really looking forward to it. Last time we took 50lbs of stuff to an orphanage in St. Lucia for our weight allowance since we didn’t have to check anything. There is a website called stuffyourrucksack.com that specializes in putting you in contact with a charity/NGO etc in areas you plan to visit that you can help out by bringing stuff they need in your excess baggage allowance.
(edit) Bummer! I tried to go to the website but got a 404 error so I guess they have closed up shop. Too bad as it was a brilliant idea and the nuns at the orphanage in St Lucia were very appreciative of the supplies we brought (liquid tylenol, diapers, printer ink, stuffed animals, etc.)
guess I’ll need to check my old contact list and see if I can help them out again this trip.
@chienfou @chienfou Too bad the site shut down, I would have been glad to use it. The last time we went to the Caribbean one of the excursions we went on was to dig up baby sea turtles who had not managed to climb to the surface from their nests. They only have a few hours after hatching to dig their way out or suffocate. Quite a few of them don’t manage to make it to the surface and die without help. It was hosted by a volunteer organization that uses these excursions to get some free manpower. Before the trip I ordered a couple dozen leather and wood sea turtle bracelets from China to donate for them to sell to tourists to make a little extra money. I got them for about $0.65 a piece and I figure they could sell them for at least five bucks a piece to the tourists.
Couldn’t find the pictures in my computer or on my cameras, so that’s worrisome but I took a snapshot of the photo book I made from the trip. This is the little guy that I personally dug up from under about 3 feet of sand and got to set free into the ocean. Worth the whole trip.
Once.
Maybe I’ll get married again one day. Occasionally I’ll think about how I’d do my wedding differently if I did.
@RiotDemon different players on the team, one speculates.
@Mavyn I wouldn’t marry the same guy again, that’s for sure. There’s a reason some Exes should stay an ex.
Got engaged once; we were together for years both before and after the engagement, for a total time longer than many marriages, but we were never actually married. He was a good man, but was not good for me, even if it took me years to realize that. I left that relationship a little over two years ago and don’t regret that decision.
At this point in my life, I value my independence legally and logistically, and give multiple people emotional labor and validation when I can. If I ever decide I don’t want to live this way, I’m sure I can figure it out, but it’s working for me.
Just the once. Nearly 24 years ago, and I’m still deeply in love (I won’t put words in her mouth though, which is probably why we’re still married).
And now our oldest is planning a wedding. Ain’t love grand?
@smyle Just celebrated 17 years married and 20 years together. First son is in the military becoming a corp man and second about to drive. It is grand!
@smyle
@WTFsunshine
: )
Wise man marries his second wife first.
Twice, and a third seems likely if we can be motivated.
I’m not the romantic type but apparently I an an optimist.
@Mavyn I’m about to for the third time. I never judge the next based on the previous.
@KittySprinkles
hey, congrats!
@f00l Why thanks. He’s cool
@KittySprinkles
I gather he likes “swimming with the sharks”, huh?
Good for both of you.
@KittySprinkles Hey, congratulations! I’m so happy for you.
never, and no current plans. been with my partner ten years and counting. thankfully neither of our parents pressure us. (not that they never bring it up, but rarely and his mom does it teasing, my dad does it for tax purposes. ;))
we’re creatures of habit, too, so though we’ve never married or pretended to be, most people eventually just started referring to us as husband and wife. kind of interesting. (usually if we correct them, they’ll decide that because we’ve been together so long it doesn’t matter and they’ll announce that it still counts or whatever.)
@jerk_nugget I get that too. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years now, and there are lots of our friends who are honestly surprised when they find out we’re not married. And, interestingly, most people know my full name, but not his. He gets called Mr Mavyn a LOT.
Probably my favorite ‘not my name’ was from a nurse…he was in the hospital last year, and I was his official medical representative so I spoke to all the doctors and nurses, made appointments, went over test results, etc. All the nurses knew this, and they all knew we were not married. Most just used my first name, but one kept calling me ‘Mrs’…and about halfway through a conversation she said ‘Oh…but you aren’t married. You probably have your own name, don’t you?’
I got married => 5 years => divorced => got married a second time => 5 years => divorced a second time…
NOW…every 5 years I just find a women I really hate…and GIVE HER EVERYTHING I OWN…
(MUCH easier, NO lawyers, etc.)
@gerrymic can you grow to hate me?
@gerrymic
Has it been 5 years yet?
If so, it’s time for a no-meetup, no-pix, no-contact, no-personal-info contest here at Meh to see who among us gets access to all your accounts.
3 Marriages
Ended badly.
home to take care of aging parents. Ended badly
because she didn’t include me in the plan and took
everything while I was at work one day. Not thought
out and she didn’t intend to end the marriage from it
but, that’s what happened!
thoughtful courtship. Shared core values. Physical
attraction and intellectual compatibility.
BFF!
Just the once for almost 7 years. Ended nearly 3 years ago with very little fallout, and I haven’t really dated since. I’ve never wanted kids (which is basically what ended things with my ex when she switched her stance), so no ticking clock, and I’m quite content to have close friends and more flexibility/freedom for now.
But I think the institution of marriage is good and would probably give it another shot if everything lined up perfectly.
Regarding the writeup: even if you had two twin comforters, wouldn’t the single queen sheet still cause issues?
@ScottN It depends on why the comforter causes an issue. If it’s the hogging issue, then yes, the sheet is still an issue. If it’s a temperature issue, less so, since it’s easier to take off ‘your’ comforter without uncovering your other half, or vice versa.
@ScottN “But I think the institution of marriage is good”…
Yea…maybe…but…who (in their right mind) would want to be in an Institution!!!
@ScottN friends (both Attorneys), on their bachelor/bachelorette party night (it was a “modern” combined party) stood in front of eveybody there, proclaiming “We will never have nor want kids.”
(After getting to know his household, I totally understood. It was the coldest, most business-like “home” I’d ever visited. Not a ounce of heart to be felt.)
Individually, each of them confided, “While we do like eachother, we’re getting married because you have to be married (not necessarily to an another attorney, of course!) to make partner at a firm.”
Ironically, 1) They’re still married something like 30 years later, and 2) While both are still practicing attorneys, I do not believe either has worked at a firm for more than two years their entire career.
@RedOak Sorry to pick one statement from that post, but it bothers me a bit that people who don’t want kids are usually stereotyped as cold, unfeeling, or heartless.
I moved to a new area about two years ago and didn’t know anybody in the city. Since, I’ve made dozens of friends, and some of them have responded with surprise when I tell them I don’t want children. “But you’re so caring/nice/friendly,” they say, with the implication being those who don’t want kids must be that way because they’re incapable of loving or caring for others.
One of the kindest men I’ve ever known is married, does not have children, and (as far as I know) isn’t planning to. One of the “coldest” guys I’ve ever known has two daughters. The friendliest people in my parents’ neighborhood are the couple in their 50s/60s with no kids. My borderline-acerbic coworker (sysadmin) and his very analytical wife just had their second kid.
I’m just sick of people acting like kids are the path to happiness for all “normal” or “good” people (not in your post so much, more generally).
@ScottN
There’s A LOT to be said for choosing a “Childfree Life” !!!
@ScottN you’re generalizing and reading way too much into that story. It was simply about that guy (when we visited on weekends home from college his parents shook hands with him or barely reacted - no hugs. What would you call that?) and that couple.
We have lots of married friends who do not have kids. It would also be too easy to stereotype them as selfish when it simply isn’t true.
@ScottN yep, that’s why the term “childfree” (vs. “childless”) exists for us. (i.e. people like me who actively choose not to have children.) people are always judgy about it. they say condescending things like “talk to me in a few years” or “you’ll change your mind” or “wait till that clock starts ticking” or “can’t wait until the next time i see you guys and she’s out to here!” (the most recent thing a casual acquaintance said while i was standing there.)
they’re also often just surprised/confused, because while plenty of my fellow childfree friends just plain don’t like kids, i do. when i was younger and had to go to various after school programs, i always helped with the younger kids and returned in summers to volunteer. one of them had a sister place that was for toddlers and i went over there to hold babies all afternoon. i loved dolls growing up and would treat them like real infants. i stayed with two of my aunts when they had children to help. and actually? if i could have an eternal baby, i might have kids. being pregnant or giving birth doesn’t wig me out, and the newborn phase that many people can’t wait to get past is really the only part i like. once they start to turn into people i just lose interest. and mentally and financially, i just can’t see devoting my life to another person that i would have to care for forever. when i was younger i thought that might change, but i’m now mid 30s and it just hasn’t.
i do periodically feel guilty because i had a really cool childhood and have so many things i’d like to pass on, and my parents would be the most amazing grandparents (i think that’s what really stings me the most, although they’ve never pressured me), but i just can’t force my brain to want something that i just…don’t. it’s like a switch that’s been turned off. /rambling
@ScottN also, to your first post, we don’t use a flat sheet. just the fitted over the mattress and comforters inside duvet covers, which i wash regularly with the rest of our laundry.
None, and meh.
48 years and the marriage is still going strong. We were lucky, when we grew up (after being married), we didn’t grow apart.
@pooflady That’s a mighty impressive run so far…
I offer to shake hands when I bump into folks with your kind of apparent marital bliss and longevity!
Just once. I was 31 when we started dating. 32 years ago this past weekend. The only guy who didn’t drive me crazy. Got engaged that October, married new year’s eve.
Still together and still best friends.
/giphy biting New Yorker cartoon on the topic of marriage
Zero. Too picky and too insecure to take that kind of commitment. As it turns out, I just found out one of my friends from high school is engaged to be married; date set for June 2018. His first.
Never, I would like it if I found the right guy. Given my romantic dry spell it seems unlikely. But sure if he comes along.
Never and maybe I will at some point, but maybe I won’t. I’m not against marriage, but it’s also not something I have to have in my life. All that matters to me is that my other half and I are happy together.
HA! I laugh at your phishing scam
@cranky1950
/giphy hook line and sinker
/giphy weird
Just passed 33 years. We married shortly after he turned 19 and just before I turned 19. We made it through 25 years of active duty, 2 countries ( and a remote tour that lasted a year just after the first Gulf War, as well as one deployment to the Middle East) and 3 kids. We now have on granddaughter and a grandson on the way. I hope we get to meet them both in August. The granddaughter is in Detroit, grandson will be in Omaha.
@cahuston
: )
Never been. A couple of long term entanglements, and a couple of live-ins, but never actually documented by paper.
I guess there’s still time. I ain’t dead yet.
@ruouttaurmind
It has its justifications. People who get really good marriages, and both sides really work at it, make for far happier, healthier, higher-achieving, richer, more befriended, mire respected, more influential souls all their lives.
Assuming that both parties are stable and hard working and empathetic and of good character to begin with.
I am deficient here.
But it’s something about 2-for-each-other-and-against-the-world’s-trials-and-troubles, instead of one. You’re not alone be. Ya got each other’s back.
@f00l Having been in such a partnership as you describe, I adamantly agree with all you say. That relationship was headed towards marriage. Sadly, illness and mortality intervened to sabotage one potential future.
@ruouttaurmind
I am really sorry that you lost someone that special to you.
Was it recent?
I hope that, if you want another shot, you get one.
I think - I hope - we get better at these connections and choices as we get older. The downside is that once one isn’t young, social life isn’t oriented toward meeting people open to relationships, people are settled into their lives, people are naturally more wary of change or of taking the time and energy to get closer to someone new.
And often people who frequent places and activities designed for “meeting up”, might not be the most sympatico with you; and these venues might not be the best for meeting someone who will be right for and mesh well with you.
I suss that once we are past our late 30’s in age, there can be a lot of luck and serendipity involved in finding a bit of stability, good judgment, compatibility, decency, deep affection, and a bit of “magic” in the same soul.
I know a few who met the right soul thru shared activities - volunteering, sports or fitness, churches/organizations or other voluntary communities; which allowed getting to know someone over time as a whole human being, with no particular pressure on the encounters.
@f00l
Thank you for your kindness.
October 14, 2007. Nearly 10 years. Sometimes it seems like forever ago. Sometimes it hurts like it was yesterday.
Hmm.
@f00l I suppose I’m in no position to gauge the others, but I would say you seem to be strong in empathy and good character.
@ruouttaurmind That is very sad; I’m sorry for your loss.
@jqubed
I try to be a decent human.
So very much thanks.
Otoh I have approx the worst judgment in history aside from sociopaths, am more or less insane (people will vouch), have apparently zero interest in being sensible, and am not good at guessing how something (that I intend to be amusing and completely not-targeted at any other human) will land.
It’s a gift.
@jqubed
BTW I think there are a fair # of decent and kind humans about here.
Even the Mehcronomicon (sp?) seems to have a kind soul.
@ruouttaurmind I’ve been reading this through, and I’m sad for you, and what was. Having happiness with someone, even briefly, is still a good thing.
You never know what life will bring.
@ruouttaurmind
I am moved to hear that it still hurts that much.
OTOH, you seem to be the sort of person who would make an excellent life partner for someone who shares your sense of humor and your values.
So I guess I’m hoping that either you have, or will manage to get, a life where you get to look around in an easy, unhurried way, make some new friends who are of substance, and perhaps find someone who is beyond special to you for all the future.
@Shrdlu I think one of the saddest stories I ever had in a newscast was a guy who died in a car wreck on his way to his wedding. You are right, cherish the time you’re able to get.
@jqubed, I was mired in the grief for a time, but emerged with a sense of gladness for the laughs we shared, the memories we made. These things are always mine, whatever the future may bring.
@Shrdlu, I thank you for your wisdom. I continue to cherish the precious time we were able to enjoy. I hold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
@f00l, You are a thoughtful, compassionate soul. I thank you for your kind words.
I will share one memory, then we will return to the regularly scheduled mayhem…
A had a grownup job back then, but I was also doing the club DJ thing a few nights a week. I’d usually get home from the clubs at 2:30 or 3am.
Often the phone would ring just about the moment I was walking in the door. “Booty call!” says you. Nay! “Living room picnic!” says I.
She would bring over an unusual assortment of crackers, cheeses and whatever bizarre fruit she managed to turn up in the gourmet shop. We’d spread a blanket on the living room floor, snack on overpriced cheese, and watch really bad infomercials 'till the sun came up! (her favorite was the spray-on hair for bald chaps) Sure, I had cable, HBO, a DVD player. But it wouldn’t be Living Room Picnic without bad infomercials!
Then she’d do the walk of shame down the driveway as I hopped in the shower and headed back to work. Exhausted and exalted, and never, ever willing to trade a moment of living room picnic time for a minute of sleep.
@ruouttaurmind
never and I have no desire to be married