Fuck it.
26My relatives live out of town so I make them cookies for Christmas. I was up to 1 baking. This morning I was sitting at my kitchen table with tears in my eyes and had a fuck it moment.
Not enough bubble wrap- fuck it, broken cookies taste just fine. The only cards I have are stupid and the envelopes are all stuck together, fuck it. I forgot to get a present for my best friend’s kid, New years is a holiday too, right?
So I boxed up what I had and drove on over to the UPS store. Best friend’s gift will be broken, stale, and arrive after Christmas but no way am I paying $43 to ship cookies and a coffee mug. Fuck it. Total of $68 to ship cookies after my AAA discount, fuck it.
Oh, and fuck Philip Rivers. I don’t care anymore @elimanningface.
Now I can relax and decorate my tree.
- 27 comments, 90 replies
- Comment
Now to ask the crucial question:
What kind of cookies?
@mflassy Gingerbread kids, honey fruit bars, strawberry cookies, cut out cookies, and a special surprise made out of candy corn.
@sammydog01
Strawberry cookies? Interesting. I’ve never tried cookies with strawberries.
@sammydog01 Hi! If they are not secret recipes, will you share the honey fruit bar and strawberry cookies?
@mehbee Here’s the honey fruit bar recipe- let me know if you can’t see it in the photo. It apparently was clipped out of a magazine 50 or 60 years ago.
The strawberry cookies don’t have strawberry in them- they just look like strawberries. I’ll post it if you still want it.
(Warning- those honey fruit bars are a bear to get out of the pan. Grease your pan well.)
@sammydog01 maybe try parchment paper next time? Leave it taller than the sides so you can pull the whole thing out?
@sammydog01 Hi sorry for the delay, I would very much like the other cooking recipe.
@sammydog01 I get where you are coming from re cookies. I don’t even want to think about, much less talk about my cookie giving disaster.
To my unnamed friend: I’m so sorry I screwed things up, I hope you can forgive me. Have you noticed I’ve been a little crazy lately? I will try to be a better friend.
Oh, and thank you, Philip Rivers, for your gift to the Kansas City Chiefs.
@Barney It’s a good thing friends are understanding. And you do not get a star for your other comment.
@sammydog01 Meanie – and Merry Christmas.
@Barney
/giphy Merry Christmas!
I guess I’m cheap. I think I shipped cookies once in my life and that was enough for me.
Last year I made cookies for my co-workers… Maybe I should do that again.
@mfladd ooh, the next time I hear this song, I’m going to try to sing it like that.
@sammydog01
For next year, I strongly suggest USPS flat-rate Priority Mail boxes.
The boxes and tape and labels are free. And you can put a lot of totally fucking excellent cookies, broken or otherwise, into the Large Size USPS Priority Mail flat-rate box. I think for under $20 shipping?
Havent looked in a while at USPS pricing, but it’s affordable.
For this particular year:.
I bet all those friends are cool. I bet they have their reasons for being friends.
Hey, y’all.
Cheer The Fuck Up Already!
@f00l
I said Cheer The Fuck Up.
And I mean it.
If you don’t:.
I promise you! there will be more images where those came from!
Think I’m kidding? Think this is some stop of joke? Think this is funny?
Do you?
@f00l
Smiling yet, Fuckers?!
@f00l @Sammydog01
Large flat rate would be $18.85.
@f00l no.
@Al_Coholic
Well, I sowwy then.
I twied.
@f00l It was Sunday and the place where you can leave packages at the post office fills up fast. If it had been any other day I would have gone USPS. I should have put the two boxes scheduled to arrive after Christmas back in the car and gone to the post office this morning but fuck it.
@sammydog01
You did good anyway.
And it might be fun to have cookies arrive after Xmas.
Last recommended day to ship priority mail is Tuesday.
Depending on weight and distance, might be cheaper than the large flat rate in a regular box. Easy to check prices on the app or website, use your bathroom scale and round up for weight estimate.
I can guarantee cheaper if I sample the cookies
@speediedelivery
It’s way cheaper going media mail, right? And then if the package gets inspected and gets caught, do the PO employees get to eat the mislabeled goods?
What if the cookies are shipped Media Mail, but have icing writing on them? Does that make them legit as media?
Someone could compose the sequel to War And Peace on cookies, you know.
/image “war and peace”
@f00l That’s a lot of cookies. Mehbe cheaper to rent a truck.
@speediedelivery Yeah, that would have been smarter. Fuck it.
@sammydog01 There is a value to being done and out the door
Next year use the online label and the mail carrier can pick it up for free.
I like your attitude. I spent most of yesterday afternoon trying to figure out a white elephant gift to take to the family party Christmas eve. I was close to the fuck it, I am not playing but I think I have it covered now.
We recently spent about $550 to ship a battery operated kid’s motorcycle worth $440 to Puerto Rico. It cost more to ship than the toy was worth. Dang.
Just to let you know, the Post Office wouldn’t accept it because it was too heavy. Fedex wanted over $1000 and so did UPS. This was shipped DHL.
@cengland0
Ow.
@f00l Can’t remember where Mrs. cengland0 bought it but it did have free shipping to my house in Florida. They wouldn’t ship directly to Puerto Rico. So I now have it at my house and have the option to ship it back to the company or ship it to Puerto Rico. One way or another, it was going to cost something. Or I could just keep it but I’m a grown adult and this is not my kind of toy.
So we decided to ship it to PR anyway. After the hurricane, the stores don’t have much in terms of food, water, or ice. So obviously there are no toys for Christmas either. This was the least we could do for the kids over there. With the exception of shipping a generator costing $102, everything else we shipped was $15 to $30 (still close to the cost of the toys). Tomorrow I’m shipping some clothing and expect it to cost around the same and I know it probably cost less for the item. Shipping is a huge rip-off.
Funny story, we had them over as guests about a month ago. We know you can pay $50 for an extra piece of luggage when traveling. So second generator was bought and we tried to have our friends take it with them as a second checked bag (to avoid having to pay $102 again). The airline refused to take it as baggage so we had to drive back to the airport and pick it back up. Not a problem since we could just return the generator to Home Depot but now we know airlines do not accept generators as luggage. You learn more as you get older.
@cengland0
Hey. You rock.
@cengland0 You are awesome.
Happy holidays food.
Smile, fuckers!
@f00l
Hey, a lot of this food is professionally done, so I forbid “mine aren’t as clever” or “mine aren’t as ‘whatever’” type comparisons.
@f00l
Anyone cheerful yet?
@f00l
@f00l @therealjrn
/giphy Christmas cookie fails
/giphy Christmas goat
@thejackalope
I just have to leave these two…
/giphy for the win!
@thejackalope ☆ for you only cause its Johnny Depp!
/giphy fuck it
I approve of the number of fucks in this post.
Fuckin A.
@Fuzzalini
Fuckin’ A with cookies!
Fyi when my ex and son were overseas (ex was military, son was exchange student - two different time periods), I would air pop popcorn to put in the boxes along with bubble wrap if I didn’t have enough. Worked pretty well and was dirt cheap. I’ve had MANY eff it moments in my life.
@ivannabc I like that. Next year.
Anyone can buy a gift card or mass merchandise stuff.
Your friends will be recieving the gift of your time and something that only you could make, and know that you gave your gift specifically to them.
Anyone can give gifts. You give presence.
/giphy behold the field where I grow my fucks
I make fruitcake cookies with my kids every year for the family and friends.
5 ingredients, the raw dough is safe to eat, and kid-friendly.
1 pint Paradise mixed fruitcake fruit
1 cup chopped pecans (or pieces)
1 cup Angel coconut flakes
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
Mix.
Add 1 can Bordens sweetened condensed fruit.
Mix.
Spoon onto silicone sheets in your cookie sheet pans.
Bake 45 min at 365. Not 350 or 375.
Makes 2 sheets.
Notes: The silicone sheets are a must!
The brands are important. Paradise fruit does not have any weird taste and is not too dry. Bordens has real milk fat content, and isn’t just corn syrup and non-dairy creamer. Chocolate and light don’t work. Angel coconut flakes have high fat content as well. You need that since there is no oil or butter in the recipe.
You’re welcome.
@mike808 or you could buy some cookies…
@mike808 Sounds like an ok recipe but I would have to substitute condensed milk in for the condensed fruit. Otherwise it would be a little too dry for me.
@Al_Coholic That would be a caramel cookie or a nougat, the fruit makes it a fruitcake cookie. And it’s that brand that makes the difference. Perhaps you’ve had another brand that was bitter or off-tasting and without a little syrup like Paradise has.
You could also add more SCM, but then it wouldn’t be nice whole quantities of ingredients with no leftovers.
They come out chewy, and not a hard or a soft cookie. They will harden a little as they cool, thats when you peel them off the silicone mats and make a second batch. If you store them, they will get sticky from the sugar content.
@mike808 I’ll give it a try if I have time. Why the fuck not?
@mike808 Was that supposed to be Bordens sweetened condensed milk? My favorite holiday cookies are the easiest, oatmeal cookies with cranberries or coconut and pecans. I have aesthetic appreciation for the fancy ones, but my taste buds like the homely simple kind best.
@moondrake yes, sweetened condensed milk.
Don’t know how much more simple dump 4 ingredients into a bowl, add gooey ingredient, mix, dollop on cookie sheet, bake, and eat the rest of the raw dough (I mean lick the spoons and bowls) can get. My kids have been making them since they were 6.
@mike808 I think they were politely pointing out that your post said Bordens sweetened condensed fruit, instead of milk.
@RiotDemon Awww. Fuck it.
You’re right. And it’s too late to fix it.
Yes, sweetened condensed milk is what I meant to say. Fucking autocorrect.
@mike808
I’m sorry, my bad
@RiotDemon I thought ‘condensed fruit’ was referring to the candied fruitcake fruit, and missed the typo.
If you try em, let us know how they came out. Watch for burning. You want a golden brown caramel color. Mmmm.
G/f broke up with me before thanksgiving. Still could NOT buy Christmas gifts for her and her kids. Shipping $25 - gifts to my brother and his family overseas. Shipping $60.
Oh well, right?
@meh427
@meh427 if you two broke up, why would you buy gifts for her and her kids? It is a nice gesture, I just don’t understand it.
@elimanningface The kids, I can see. They were innocent bystanders.
@meh427
Trust me, being gracious and living well truly is the best revenge.
@PhysAssist - ha true
@moondrake - there wasn’t a throw my stuff in the yard/restraining order breakup. We realized we have different paths and needs. An agreement to build on what we’ve done for each other the past 2 years and become better than we were before knowing each other.
@meh427
heh heh …if I had a nickle…winning!
@PhysAssist Soon after my divorce, a friend broke up with his girlfriend. We were all at a large event, and he told me, “I gave her that watch she’s wearing for her birthday. I like that every time she checks the time, she owes it to me.” I replied, “I paid for him to get an exam and bought him contacts for his birthday. Every time he looks out on the world, he owes what he sees to me.” Bitter satisfaction, neither breakup was friendly.
@moondrake
My sister and B-I-L used to hang out w/ my ex and I, and after we divorced, they asked if I minded if they stayed friendly w/ her, because she didn’t know many other people nearby.
I said Of course it was ok.
Long story short, my sis came home early one day, and caught them flagrante…
Sis divorced BIL, ex married him…
<10 years later, he died of prostate CA, sis is happily alone, I’m celebrating 25th wedding anniversary (of 2nd marriage), and 24th year as PA.
I think @sammydog01 feels better. She won today and is going to be in the finals of Meh fantasy football league! It would have been nice if she truly gave up and sat down her 4pm EST starters. It could have helped!
By the way, no one likes fruit bars unless they are the popsicle bar kind or made by Nutri-Grain. Do you know what both of those have in common? 20 parts sugar to 1 part fruit (which has sugar in and of itself, lol). I am sure your friend will appreciate them nonetheless. I only mentioned it because I’m a horrible person who thinks it was kind of humorous to mention.
Talking about funny, when you penned your minor meltdown above, I thought of George vs Lloyd Braun from Seinfeld. Maybe you’ll get a waterpik for Christmas!
On a serious note, I hope you, your kids, significant other, friends, and family have a great holiday season! Congrats once again on winning this weekend. Meh…the better GM prevailed
.
@elimanningface Especially since I picked up that kicker this week. Hardly seems fair.
@elimanningface Actually if a fruit bar was filled with fruit, tart and natural tasting, I’d like it a lot better than the oversweet commercial varieties.
Happy Holidays Everybody!
/giphy Christmas fool
My immediate family gets stuff from the door store sometimes and a few people get real presents as well. Everyone else gets nothing. It’s the thought that counts.
@Al_Coholic what kind of items do you get them from the door store?
@elimanningface My guess would be doors.
@elimanningface Yeah, mostly just doors. But my phone keyboard sucks shit and I meant to say dollar store, which, oddly enough, doesn’t sell dollars.
Hey @Sammydog01!
Hey, there, Fantasy Football Winner!
How are things today?
(I bet those cookies are very very worthy and enviable.)
JC Penny sent me a $10 off of $10 coupon. I love these coupons. I use them to buy socks.
I stood in Penny’s with my package of socks, put them back, and bought the most sparkly Christmas tree ornament I could find. Christmas is back on fuckers.
@sammydog01
@sammydog01 JC Penny gave me this one on Black Friday (Technically Thursday)
@cengland0 Score! I didn’t brave that mess. What did you buy?
@sammydog01 I spend about 4 hours in the store trying to spend that $100. There were so many exclusions listed that nearly everything I picked wasn’t allowed. Went to the register 3 times (after waiting in line about 30 minutes each time) only to find out something didn’t qualify or that something was on sale and I didn’t have a full $100 yet.
I did finally buy some socks like you did. I also bought some towels and a set of sheets. I actually didn’t need anything that I got but I didn’t want to waste the awesome coupon. Bought a couple pairs of sneakers because they were greatly discounted even though they didn’t qualify for the coupon.
Mrs. cengland0 got a $10 coupon and immediately found stuff to buy. But with the $100, neither of us could find anything so she tried for about 45 minutes to sell it to customers roaming about the store. She asked so many people but nobody had any cash. Eventually she gave up and we hunted around for stuff to buy. Suppose everything I got is consumable and eventually wears out so I’ll use them someday in the future.
Sounds like you could use a few stiff drinks after that episode…lol
I am very ashamed of you.
@gary985 Oh, RLY? I’m very ashamed FOR you!
@gary985
@therealjrn
Fuck it.
I’m very fucking ashamed of all of us.
In fact, I’m very fucking ashamed of the entire universe.
Esp of “from-out-of-fucking-solar-system showoff-fucking-objects” that come trotting around like they own the fucking neighborhood, prancing around with their fancy ways.
When it’s fucking cloudy.
And fucking raining.
And@carl669 hasn’t published a fucking update to the Fuck Count recently, has he?
So I’m just fucking ashamed of Fuck-All.
I fucking blame the Goat.
@f00l Fuck. I don’t fucking blame you.
@gary985 I know where you are coming from. I, too, used to be ashamed. I was so ashamed that I wore a scarlet F on my forehead. But it fell off and I lost it somewhere. So, I had to blame someone for my lack of F’ ness. And that someone was @carl669. However, he doesn’t show up around here very much anymore (I miss him), so I blame the Goat.
Shame on you Goat @therealjrn. I think you should serve another month.
@Barney Hush.
@therealjrn
@Barney Stop trying to make the two-month goat a thing. The two-month goat is not a thing.
@therealjrn Okay.
@gary985
@Barney I used to never swear. Never. Then I found this place and @JonT explained that four letter words were just words. Now I swear all the time. Thanks @JonT.
@sammydog01 Yeah, same thing for me. I’ll make you a bright and shiny scarlet F when I make my new one.
@Barney @sammydog01 If you aren’t too picky about the definition of scarlet here are some F’s to get you started
@Kidsandliz Dibs on the peacock feather.
@sammydog01 you’re welcome! The best legacy I could have hoped for.
@JonT
Happy to see you! Hope all is well with you and yours!
@JonT Hi! Nice to hear from you! How’s DC treating you? Hey, @snapster, how do you feel about Meh’s legacy being turning middle aged women into potty mouths?
@sammydog01 @f00l doing pretty well! DC is a great (if too expensive and rapidly gentrifying) city that we’re still exploring parts of. Work has been up and down, I’ve been doing dog walking for the past year and it’s soothed my soul but unfortunately doesn’t quite pay the bills so I’m going to start web development classes in January. Oh, and I get to occasionally flip off the motorcade and that brings a small amount of comfort.
@sammydog01 My cousin calls it diaper mouth.
@JonT Dog walking sounds cool. You must be in good shape. Good luck with the web development classes. Take a lot of coffee with you. At least I would have to take a lot of coffee with me. I need to wander around DC sometime. I haven’t seen much outside the Smithsonian.
@Kidsandliz
That’s fucking nasty.
Fuck my Meh FF team this year. Worst season ever. Bring on the eggnog so I can forget.
@brendles Next year the wombats will rise again. Blame Matt Ryan and move on.
What are you putting in your eggnog? I bought some pumpkin spiced rum and the nice lady handing out free samples said it was good in eggnog. After a free sample it sounded like a good idea. After two free samples I would have put it in anything I had in the fridge. Good thing I had to drive home.
@sammydog01 I’m lazy and buy the Pennsylvania Dutch brand eggnog at one of the local liquor stores. It’s premixed with rum, brandy and whisky, and it’s potent–and delicious! If I’m winging it at home, I usually use a spiced rum or a brandy in Lactaid brand eggnog (I’m not lactose-intolerant, but it’s actually one of the best-tasting brands I’ve found in the grocery store). I’ve never tried pumpkin spiced rum, but I bet it would be great in some nog.
@brendles Turns out pumpkin spiced rum is not so good in eggnog. But it’s great in hot cider so there’s that.
I’ll try my Kraken spiced rum tonight. And I’ll look for that premixed one next free sample day. Thanks!
Guess what- three of my four packages were delivered. Yay! The fourth one is holding at “departure scan 12/19/17 4:00 AM”. Fuck.
@sammydog01 shit.
@therealjrn Ooh, a festivus miracle, it updated today! That’s it- it’s somewhere in the system but the website declined to give a location.
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
I planned a nice trip to The The Shakespeare Festival today for my sister, a month ago!
She came over knowing she was sick. This morning she said she did not want to go!
We went had a scene!
I told her, oh hell the last three people you had a fight with at Christmas, it was their last, true story! FUCK IT!
She is the Queen after all, that is what we called her at home.
So I came to my room with my coffee and iPad to say FUCK IT!
She came to the door after listening to me cry, asked what time we need to leave.
FUCK, the atmosphere is fucked around here!
I guess we will go, she is a drama queen anyway, always has been.
As if things in my life were not bad enough.
She makes us break down my twin bed in guest room and put an air mattress out for her damn neurotic dogs that have to sleep with her. I did not , she was mad, dogs whined all night. They are dogs! I have five I love to death but they are fucking dogs! She made them nutty! They make me “nervious!”
I hope this does not ruin your day, Lol!
I’ll be fine, been through worse.
Venting sure calms a person down.
I hate fucking drama, I like things nice and calm.
So I hope I can try and be nice and LET IT GO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!
@Calabama I went in and gave her an early gift, we hugged and made up!
Thank you for reading my holiday rant!
@Calabama
PROTIP: Only rant when you are ranting.
Then you’ll be ok. Ok?
/giphy rant
@f00l Thanks so much! I will try and remember that! I just had worked so hard for a couple weeks getting the house all nice, just slapped me in the face. I felt bad about the rant all day.
We had a good day.
The play was fantastic. Stopped and got Mellow Mushroom Pizza, so good!
We came home and broke the bed down, put air mattress down.
All I want for Christmas is Peace and Goodwill To All!