EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYAAH
3A Place for fucking mom. The scum bags are selling extended care to fuckwad Xer mileanal slacker dickheads Geez offer the lazy mutherfuckers a prepackaged way do dump responsibility and suck the last bucks from their parents. Sounds like the Donald at his finest to me.
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Your title goes off the right side of the page.
Breathe and tell us more after you are not so pissed.
I don’t know about A Place for Mom, but “DIY” elder care can suck the happy right out of a family. I saw it happen with both my (divorced) grandparents on my mom’s side, first Granddaddy, then Grandma – arguments over who was in charge of picking them up for what and when, who was or wasn’t visiting as often as they should, who was or wasn’t doing the right things. Even in families that don’t have those issues, the extra time, worry and financial burden often take a stiff toll.
(Plus, what does Mom or Dad want? A lot of older adults prefer to live “on their own”, even if that’s in a nice facility with plenty of assistance, rather than feel like they’re dependent on/a burden to their own children.)
I’m not saying there aren’t people out there who irresponsibly stick Mom or Dad in the cheapest low-rent care facility they can find and call it good, but I don’t judge people just for the decision to put Mom or Dad in a care facility instead of moving them in to the spare room over the garage.
@kensey well said!
I was my mother’s caregiver for 12 years (through two heart surgeries). After she had her stroke, I could no longer care for her at home. Mentally I understand this, but there are times that I am still overwhelmed with guilt.
@Barney Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry that you feel that way. I wish there was something I could do to make that guilt go away. I don’t really know you from Adam, but from reading your posts/comments especially a recent one, I know you’ve done everything possible for your mother and continue to do so. She knows that too, even if its deep down.
@mehbee Aw, I’m okay. I guess I just have my good and bad days too.
@Barney You’re way beyond okay, you’re a spectacular, caring champion for your mother. Everyone who knows you would be deeply happy to have you caring for them. Your mom is blessed.
@OldCatLady @mehbee I wonder if my computer keyboard is waterproof? Thank you.
@Barney seriously, your mom knows without a shadow of a doubt how much you care for her. I am confident that she doesn’t (wouldn’t (not sure how lucid she is based on thread about dog)) blame you in the least for this latest development. Parents want the best for their children.
@Barney
I hope you are able to ditch the guilt. We only have souch energy, time, money. I’m sure you do what you can for yourself, your mom, and the other people, duties, and joys in your life.
There are so few hours in each day. It’s so hard already just trying to accomplish what you can. If you let feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy take hold, you’ve robbed yourself of effectiveness, productivity, freedom, free time, and joy.
@Barney I couldn’t have done a drop of what you’ve done for your mother. You are an amazing daughter, what a strong relationship you two must have.
@lisaviolet No, I’m not amazing. I just try to do my best – just as she taught me.
@Barney You gave every bit you could for as long as you could, kiddo. To be truthful, I think your mom is getting better care now than she would get from you - mostly because she’s with people who can handle her physical, medical, and some of her emotional needs on a 24/7 basis. You’re good, sweetie, but you’re not so good that you can match that 24/7 thing without conking out yourself. (And then where would everyone be?) Write me any time you need to hear that again; I’ll be happy to lend you a shoulder and whisper in your ear.
@magic_cave I will.
My dad had to be in a facility for a decade before he passed in March. He had alcohol-induced dementia and to the very end he insisted that he just wanted to go home and drink and do whatever he wanted. Would I have preferred it to be different? Sure. But there was no way I could have taken care of him in my home, even if I wanted to, because not once in those ten years was I ever able to get him to understand that he had no short-term memory at all. Visits consisted of me patiently answering the same handful of questions over and over again. Where his car was, how his dog was (that I did care for at home until she passed of old age) and when he was going home. Sometimes it’s just not possible for parents to stay with a family member. And sometimes, they burn too many bridges for anyone to be willing anyway.
@PurplePawprints I was lucky. My mom was in a facility for six weeks when she passed.
She was a beer drinker. She’d never put beer in the frig because no one ever wanted a warm beer. It was all hers. She didn’t eat. The doctor said maybe she’d get better, maybe she wouldn’t and she was adamant she’d go home and we’d bring her cats back to her (the one we lost on the 6th was one of hers). Nope.
And there was no way I would ever have taken care of her in my house. She had a shotgun wedding and she blamed me (her only child) for every rotten thing that happened in her life. I know she would have given her life for mine, because that’s what mothers do. But for just the everyday parts of life, she was meaner than a rattlesnake. Sharp, sharp, vicious tongue. Even after her brain melted. There’s no way I could have been around her more than an hour a day. No way.
We did have a talk during one of her lucid moments and she understood what she’d done/said to me all of my life, but she said it was already said, she’d see the look on my face and just move on.
She quit eating, she’d hide food and her heart just stopped. She had a DNR. So, they didn’t. Fifty years to the day she became a U.S. citizen (she was Irish), she died.
Her best friend’s daughter (her best friend had died years earlier) told me I was lucky she went so quickly.
@PurplePawprints They call Alzheimer’s (and dementia) “The Long Goodbye.” Whether or not you had a good relationship with your dad it was still hard on you.
@lisaviolet Perhaps you were lucky that she went so quickly, I don’t know. All I know is that each day I see a little less of the woman my mother was.
I’m sorry that you went through this, @lisaviolet, and I’m sorry that you’re going through this now, @Barney. Regardless of its cause, dementia and Alzheimers suck for everyone involved. I was the “oops” baby, and had it much easier than my brother and sister who are 15 and 10 years older than me, respectively. I didn’t get a lot of the bad parts of living with my dad because my mom finally left him for good when I was around 12.
A few years after that, he killed his best friend in a drunken fight and spent the next ten years in prison. My mom is a saint and took me to visit him, so I was able to have a decent relationship with the sober version of him. When he got out, I took him on his errands and helped him get back on his feet under the stipulation that he not start drinking again. When he did, I washed my hands of it.
Then his mind started going and he began having hallucinations and filling the shed with shotgun pellets because people were in the yard trying to steal from him. I got him admitted under a TDO and it was all downhill from there. He never did go back home and I became his legal guardian. His home/property that my mom took care of for him (again, she’s a saint) for the ten years he was incarcerated had to be sold in order for him to qualify for Medicaid. So, even if he had miraculously gotten better, there would have been no home to return to.
I did the best I could, but it was a struggle the entire time because no facilities wanted to take him. If they were equipped to handle his dementia, they weren’t skilled enough to handle his many medical issues. (Had esophageal cancer before I was born and had a trach, also had a litany of ailments that were age related.) If they could handle his medical stuff, they didn’t have a locked unit for memory care.
It is really, really hard to take care of a parent who is not aging well. I salute those that are able to keep their parents with them and care for them in their home. I also know from experience that many situations make it impossible to do this and if you have a parent who didn’t, or wasn’t able to, plan ahead for their care, it can be crippling to find them a good facility. So, you just do what you can and hope for the best.
Oh, @PurplePawprints, you had to grow up way too soon, didn’t you? I hope along the way, that there were people, besides your mom, who were there to give you support.
Asking for help has always been hard for me, but I am finding that people do want to help; they just don’t know how.
@Barney 1995 sucked (both Grannies died that year also, but thankfully before my dad did what he did) but overall, I didn’t have it too bad. I feel like I was pretty lucky, all things considered. Many have had it much worse.
Learning to ask for help is hard, but essential to keep your sanity. You’re right that people genuinely want to help but don’t know what to do. Don’t be scared to be specific when you need a hand with something. And please, don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. Sometimes you’re going to need a break. Take it when you need to. It really is okay because you won’t be able to be there for your mom if you’ve worn yourself out physically, or emotionally, to the point where you’re sick. purple hugs
You’re cranky.
@hems79 yes
Unfortuntely farming old people seems to be the new GI Bill education scam.
it’s a burden to ‘live in’ and be the care-giver. i resented it, but now i am thankful for it. i grew, and learned from the experience.
@cranky1950 Here’s the deal. It’s not always possible to be cared for by someone at home. That’s the way life is.
Now if you are going to need nursing home care, there must be some way to pay for it. It ain’t cheap. Medicare does not pay for it unless it falls under skilled nursing care (for example, breaking a hip and having to have rehab) and that only lasts for 100 days.
If you need long term care, there are three options that I know of:
Pay for it yourself. Here in podunk Kansas nursing home care runs about 65K a year. It’s much more expensive on the left and right coasts. Mom is now paying 85K a year because she needs more advanced care (two attendants for getting in and out of her wheelchair, going to the toilet, etc.). I expect this amount to go up about 10K next year because she will be on a higher level of assistance.
AND therapy is extra. Drugs are extra. Doctor’s visits are extra. A lot of these costs are covered by Medicare, but not all of them.
If you have planned ahead, maybe you have a Long Term Care (LTC) policy. IF you have been able to find an insurance company who will issue you one. Many companies have gotten out of the LTC market because they were losing money. LTC policies usually last for 3-5 years depending upon the policy. After that, it’s pay for nursing home care yourself or
Go on state aid (Medicaid). In my mother’s unit there are 22 patients and I believe that 20 of them are now on Medicaid – they used up all of their monies and assets paying for their stays. If a patient tries to hide money and assets by giving them to a relative, the law (Kansas law) allows the state to go back 5 years to seek reimbursement for their Medicaid payments. So plan ahead before you get sick, have an accident, or get old.
Some people think Social Security will pay for nursing home care. Ha!
The above is just a general outline. YMMV.
Edit: I want to add. My mother and I tried to plan ahead. We had a LTC policy for her in case the worse case happened and she had to go into a nursing home facility. Well, the worse thing happened…
@Barney My father-in-law fell and hurt himself and MIL couldn’t take care of him when he was finally able to come home. He went back.
They both had LTC and for her, it was one of the smartest things she’d done. She’s 87 and going strong, and not having to pay for his care sure helped. He died there.
We’ve had it for about eight years. He was resistant and I reminded him how he loses track of time when he’s doing stuff. He gets really involved and in a zone and everything else just fades away. Like the wife at home who needs someone to help her to the bathroom…it’s not something I’d want him to have to be burdened with.
I remember the problems you had getting the financials straightened out when she had to go into LTC. You are a really, really awesome daughter.
She must be one hell of a woman.
@lisaviolet I only hope that I can be half the woman my mother was.
There are days, when she is more lucid, I can see her the way she was. I sometimes think these days are harder than seeing the “new” her because I get my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, things can go back to the way they were. (I know this won’t happen.)
wait. how did this post turn into a rational discussion?
@snapster It happens sometimes.
@snapster Please let me know if you ever find out.
@snapster That’s the way it works here, don’t you know? Serious posts are turned into giphy hilarity, and ridiculous things are turned into serious, intelligent discussions. It’s what we do.
Life is a lot different than it used to be. In most families, both spouses work. How can you take care of someone at home if you’re gone all the time?
My mom lived with my grandma for three years to keep her out of a nursing home. It was severely trying. Getting yelled at all the time. Having her cry because my mom wanted to leave the house for 30 minutes to catch a break. Living with a woman who verbally abused her as a child, and let her dad physically abuse them.
I never could understand why she felt the need to care for a woman who was a horrible mother.