A STAR WARS recap and discussion! (Spoilers in this thread)
The sith is back, baby! Star Wars IX is the last of a trilogy that started with a foundation of spite towards the prequels, continued with spite towards cookie-cutter stories, and ended with spite towards itself. More importantly though, it is the culmination of 9 films that detail the rise of a powerful force that survives crushing blows and near extinction but is ultimately victorious.
The plot is pretty dense so to help those who are struggling to remember everything that happened, I am here with my hazy memory of how things went down.
The film opens with a title crawl that tells you the twist of the movie is that the dreaded Emperor Palpatine didn’t really die after getting thrown in a pit, and the text seems to indicate that he butt-dialed the galaxy I guess? Then we cut in media res to the evil Kylo Ren stabbing a bunch of aliens.
At this point, things start moving at 10x speed in big info dumps so everything is sort of a blur: I think Kylo was looking for a map at this point? Or maybe he already had it? Then Finn and Poe are in the Millennium Falcon and pick something up from some dude and then come back to the base and Leia is copy/pasted onto the film reel with vague one-word lines while the other actors stand in awkward positions so they match where her eyes were looking before she died 3 years ago.
Some more stuff happens, and eventually Kylo meets with Emperor Palpatine in his floating inverted ziggurat of doom. The Emperor is dangling from his life-support like a toy picked up in a crane game and he shows Kylo his jar of pickled Snokes and tells Kylo, the guy that currently controls the galaxy, that he can give him the galaxy. Then as he hangs from wires, the Emperor declares that he has actually been a puppet master all along! Also Ren, who’s parents weren’t important before? They totally are, idiot! Also, he has spent the last few decades building new star destroyers that have giant death star laser dicks on them.
Around this point, the plot finally stops to take a breath at some weird music festival that Lando is attending after Luke ditched him on the planet like 30 years ago. The movie becomes Indiana Jones for a bit, they find a knife, Rey meets a snake, and Chewbacca dies but don’t worry because he doesn’t really die. The heroes travel to another planet to ask if Poe’s girlfriend’s drunk baby can perform brain surgery on C-3PO which will kill him (but don’t worry because he doesn’t really die). Then they go to the bad guy’s ship to steal the knife back and rescue Chewbacca, and a guy who was Hitler Junior in the last two movies literally says the line “I’m the spy!” and saves the heroes.
Next up, another planet! This one is where the Death Star 2 crashed, and the Falcon also crashes into it. But who’s that on the horizon? Looks like there’s a new girl character in town! She is a former Stormtrooper just like Finn, and that’s about all the character development we have time for because Rey lined the knife up with the death star like a Goonie looking for rich stuff and cracks the case: the sith thingy is in the Emperor’s throne room! Huuuuh?!
Rey fights Evil Rey like how Luke fought Evil Luke, then Rey fights Ren like how Luke fought Darth, then she finds out she’s Palpatine’s granddaughter?! Then Rey fights Ren like how Kenobi fought Anakin (but with water instead of lava). At this point, Leia tries to force-talk to Ren but Rey stabs him and it kills Leia (but don’t worry because she doesn’t really die(?)) and Ren starts to die but don’t worry because Rey heals him and fucks off in his spaceship. Then who should show up but Dead Han Solo! He didn’t mess with the force so he can’t come back as a force ghost, so he’s just a memory haunting Kylo or some bullshit. It’s a genuinely nice scene though, issues get resolved, and Han says his favorite line again.
Now Rey is seen throwing sticks and porgs at Ren’s burning spaceship when suddenly Dead Luke pops out from the flames. He tells Rey that everything he said in the last movie was wrong and actually the Jedis own, and she should take his old x-wing and Ren’s computer box and go finish the job that he and his dead dad tried to do ages ago.
Rey flies to Lightning Planet and sends the rebels a text about where to go, and then Finn is like “dang New Girl Character, my last girlfriend thought animal racing was cruel, but let’s ride these animals into a deathtrap warzone” and together they shut off the emperor’s DirectTV dish and allow the good spaceships to shoot the glowing red weak points on all the bad spaceships.
Meanwhile! Down on the surface, the Emperor has a long exposition about how he and Rey are related and if she would please kill him then he could haunt her because he is every sith lord? Then he shoots lightning at the spaceships, Ren shows up and kills his high school friends, and then the Emperor is like “oh fuck I can just eat y’alls souls and be alive again” so he does that. So Palpatine is like “I’m every sith” but then Rey is like “I’m every jedi” and melts Palpatine with the power of 2 lightsabers and then Lando shows up and is like “I’m every spaceship in the galaxy” and they do that scene from the ending of Serenity and everyone keeps shooting laser dicks together.
Rey dies (but don’t worry, she doesn’t really die), and Ren heals her. Then Marcia and Greg Brady put aside their weird sibling energy and make out and Ren immediately dies from embarrassment. Leia also dies too for some reason? Anyway whoops guess she wasn’t dead but she’s sure dead now. Bug alien lady confirms that Leia had declared “the wookie can have a medal over my dead body” and loots her stuff to give Chewbacca a medal.
Finally, Emperor Palpatines’s plan to destroy the Republic and end the Skywalker/Solo bloodline is achieved, and the movie closes with the his lineage burying their lightsabers. The end.
6.5/10, it was fine.
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