4/12/20 What you say... Hoppy Easter...
9Sometimes a question is the perfect opportunity to drop some humor into a situation, for instance…
Longtime Patient (talking to me): How long have you been here?
Me: since 2:45 (knowing full well they meant how many years)
Patient (to me when I am about to give them a shot) Is this gonna hurt?
Me: NO… unless I hit myself in the thumb…
One I have mentioned before that I used on my kids:
Child :Hey, Dad… Do you know what time it is?
Me (looking at my watch): Yep.
And of course the classic
Dr: Do you smoke after sex
Patient: I dunno, I never noticed.
Do you have any snarky responses/comebacks you use frequently?
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Hoppy Easter y’all
@tinamarie1974
Happy Easter Tinamarie! Are you cooking a big feast for your family? So cool you have your son stayin with you! (somethin I just learned tonight) Enjoy yourselves!! 
@Lynnerizer aawww thanks! Same to you. Oh but no son, no kids at all. I have my parents w me at the moment. Making them biscuits and gravy right now and mom and I will make the sauce for dinner later.
@Lynnerizer @tinamarie1974 Sunday sauce! Just had some ourselves (though far from authentic). Was kind of strange for Easter, but it helps focus your attention on what matters.
@tinamarie1974
Nice that you are with family though! Happy you had a good day, stay safe! 
Thought I read in a comment your son was with you, must have been mistaken. Well obviously, duh on me! Lol…
@Lynnerizer no worries at all! Hope you had a nice holiday/weekend!!
When I’m a customer coming into a store, I’m jaded by the usual question from the bubbly greeter, “How are you today?”, knowing full-well they aren’t really expecting to
receive a health report.
If I’m in a good mood, I’ll just mutter “I’m OK”.
If I’m not in a good mood, I’ll say something like “Well, I think I might be over the diarrhea now”.
Of course, with the current situation, there’s usually no one asking that question, and if there were, I’d just say, 'i’m fine, for now at least." Any mention of diarrhea now would probably get me escorted out, reported to the county health department, and quarantined to boot.
@phendrick there is a restaurant I frequent and as the walk you to your table they ALWAYS ask what brings you here … really? Not like I came to try on shoes.
@phendrick @tinamarie1974 You could tell them that you had come to see the dead bodies before they cooked them; could we go to the kitchen now? After you had seen that then you’d decide if you were eating there.
@tinamarie1974 You should answer, “My car.”
@msklzannie @tinamarie1974 when i ask people what brings them to the ER today I generally say… Besides your car…
@tinamarie1974 you could tell them"the repartee", then see if they try to find that on
the menu
@chienfou oohhh these are all good ideas. Will add them to the list when we can go back to restaurants.
@chienfou @tinamarie1974 You DID want to actually be able to eat there and get good service. Right?
@chienfou @Kidsandliz well yes. I am a smart ass, I am not mean. I can make it work
@chienfou @tinamarie1974 Oh I know you aren’t mean. So when you try it let us know what happened next. Enquiring minds want to know.
@tinamarie1974
One reason I never got into a fight at school was that by the time they realized I had insulted them, I was long gone. It’s always fun to watch a reaction to a comment as it slowly dawns across their face (from a safe distance of course…) Snark was my super-power…
One Saturday, my son went to visit his girlfriend all afternoon, and calls me after dinner to say he will be there a while longer.
Me: When are going to be home?
(hoping for a reasonable time for himself)
Son: I don’t know.
Me: It’s okay, I do. 10pm.
I don’t wear catshirts everyday. Only on days that end in “y”.
@narfcake Why is that?
@Kidsandliz @narfcake Everyday ends in “y”.
Co-worker: Can i ask you a question?
Me: You just did…
@PhysAssist Corrolary:
Co-worker: Can I get a second of your time?
Me: You just did…
@mike808 True dat…
@PhysAssist Happy Easter.
@PhysAssist One of my most used. Words matter. Use them wisely.
@mike808 Thanks- hope you did too!
When I ask a customer if they need anything else, they say:
Sorry, just gave the last one away.
If I had that, I wouldn’t be here.
Then there’s the question of whether I work there.
@RiotDemon On the bill, in the space to leave a tip, I write in:
Often when asked “How are you feeling?” I reply, “Mostly with my hands.” Hilarious, I know. However; it led to one of my proudest dad moments: when his pediatrician asked my five year old how he was feeling, he had the perfect response. I laughed til I cried.
@Nate311 My cousin’s kid (6 at the time) told my niece (4 at the time) to tell people, when they ask where did you get that lovely red hair (it skipped 2 generations and then showed up in spades) to tell grownups that, “It came with my head.That shuts them right up.”. Overhearing that we adults just about choked trying not to laugh.
When asked how I am today, I usually follow George Carlin’s advice and respond: “Not unwell, thank you” or simply “Average”. Because most days you are average, by definition. I ration the superlatives or they lose their meaning.
@macromeh So, you got turned away from Lake Wobegon and you’re still bitter about it, eh?
@mike808 I refuse to join any group that would have someone like me as a member. One has to have standards.
@macromeh @mike808 …and George Carlin RULES!!
Quips from GC fly between SWMBO and I all day long…
@macromeh @PhysAssist
@macromeh @mike808 @PhysAssist Another vote for George. I saw him live when he toured for Playing With Your Head and cried all evening.
I usually answer “excellent” when asked. It takes too long to explain moderately ok.
Have a nice day!
@macromeh @mike808 @PhysAssist @speediedelivery
@mike808 @PhysAssist @speediedelivery Yeah, I saw him live during the “Place For My Stuff” tour. Funny, funny guy and A Modern Man
@f00l @macromeh @mike808 @speediedelivery More proof that he was/is THE man!
“I hate driving because there always seems to be a moron in front of me, and a maniac behind me…”
Hoppy Easter! Kicking back and binging Tiger King.
Cthulhu peeps.