2020 Dec. Goat Daily Rant 09
14Rant: Pumpkin Spice and Martinis.
Callin’ stuff what it ain’t.
About this time of year (starting in November, actually) you get to seeing a lot of things that come with “Pumpkin Spice.” What does that mean? It’s the spices that somebody puts on pumpkins. They aren’t the same mix of spices, mostly Cinnamon and Nutmeg, sometimes others, sometimes not. No pumpkin, either. Just what you put on it. When I want you to pass the salt, I say “Pass the salt, please.” I don’t ask for “French Fry Spice.” Although to be fair, French fries are awesome with a light dusting of Tony Chachere’s.
Another thing you see with many misnomers is the humble Martini. A Martini is a drink with Gin and Vermouth garnished with a salty Olive or Lemon peel. But the trendy crow puts damn near anything into a traditional Martini glass and calls it a Martini. You can put cocoa powder in an Urn, but that doesn’t make it Grandpa! Strawberry Martini (it’s a daiquiri in a Martini glass!), Lemon Drop Martini (don’t fool yourself), hell, even a Vodka Martini is an impostor. And how can you call a sweet drink a Martini? A proper Martini is mostly Gin; a bitter, hateful liquor that washes the flavor out of whatever you had in your mouth. Its astringent, cleansing properties leave no room for other flavors in your mouth. And dammit, I want a Perfect Martini right now.
What things can you think of that are given names that they patently aren’t?
- 16 comments, 36 replies
- Comment
POPSOCKETS! SPA KITS! POLLY POCKETS! AWESOME!
@mediocrebot Get over yourself, bot.
The hover board.
They aren’t fucking hovering.
@RiotDemon Yeah, it’s just a powered sidewise-skateboard.
“Social Distancing” - it’s PHYSICAL Distancing, dammit!
@Kyeh But you aren’t distancing yourself from everything physical; you’re just distancing yourself from social situations. I think is actually one of the few things that is named properly. Scientists are pretty good at naming things. Personally, I can’t come up with a better name.
@Weboh Mmm, I still don’t like it. Neither does the World Health Organization:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/social-distancing-coronavirus-physical-distancing/2020/03/25/a4d4b8bc-6ecf-11ea-aa80-c2470c6b2034_story.html
@Kyeh @Weboh
I prefer “Just stay one Denzel away from me”.
Denzel Washington is 6 feet tall.
@mike808 @Weboh
I like this one.
I’ve never seen Denzel up close
but I’ve seen plenty of cows.
@Kyeh @mike808 @Weboh We’re going to need a lot of cows.
@Kyeh @mike808 @Weboh
I believe @CaptAmehrican mentioned that a Fathom is six feet…
.
@CaptAmehrican @Kyeh @mike808 @PocketBrain @Weboh The Old Testament prescription for separation (social distancing) from lepers was 4 cubits, which is, uh, between six feet and two meters. I’m starting to wonder where WHO and the CDC got their scientific numbers. (Not that humans 4000 years ago were incapable of correlating events or making keen observations (before the scientific method was fully outlined). It just seems funny to me that the modern and ancient numbers are essentially identical.
@Weboh How about “Puppeteering” ?
@Kyeh
And I guess you won’t, for a while anyway.
@macromeh No, not even 6 feet away.
Nobody is good at naming things. In my deli, we sell a meat called (Pennsylvania Dutch) Lebanon Bologna. It’s not made by the Dutch, it didn’t come from Lebanon, and it’s not Bologna.
Its name is four descriptive words, and three of them don’t accurately describe the meat! You’d think after 400ish years of having this meat around, we’d have come up with a better name.
In case you’re wondering, it’s a beef salami-style meat made by German immigrants to what is now Pennsylvania. Also, bologna is named for Bologna, Italy but has nothing to do with the place–it originated in Germany and I guess they wanted it sound exotic instead of calling it somethingelsewurst. Also, we call people that come from the Netherlands Dutch because people from England heard them call themselves Deutsche (German for German) back when the Netherlands was a part of Germany. Germans still call themselves Deutsche, and people from the Netherlands call themselves Nederlands, but that doesn’t stop us from continuing to call both of them the wrong thing even though we now know better.
Nobody is good with naming things. Look into any name, and you’ll see something wrong with it.
@f00l
/giphy you keep using that word I don’t think it means what you think it means
@Weboh
Commands like /giphy have to start the line of text.
Like this
/giphy you keep using that word I don’t think it means what you think it means
@Weboh
Well you fixed it already
/giphy Nevermind.
@f00l Yeah, I figured that out after I posted it. Thanks. Thankfully I still had time to edit. Now there’s two Princess Bride gifs in one thread, but you can’t have too many Princess Bride gifs.
/giphy princess bride they were both poisoned.
@Weboh
Correct. Not possibly to have too many.
/giphy princess bride gif
@f00l @Weboh
My favorite quote from that movie… I get so much mileage out of “I do not think it means what you think it means.”
Definitely sprinkle a little Tony’s on your Freedom Fries.
Hint: They’re not French.
If Tony’s is not available, a li’l Slap Ya Mama does the trick too.
/image slap ya mama
@mike808 I made salt-free knockoff I call Fony Chachere’s.
@PocketBrain
, and a life-saver if you’re on a restricted diet (dialysis/kidney issues).
For true salt-free seasoning, you want Paul Prudhomme’s Magic Salt-Free All-purpose Seasoning. It’s the RealDeal
https://magicseasoningblends.com/
They have a multi-pack of different flavors, too.
https://magicseasoningblends.com/shop/seasonings/multi-packs/salt-free-sugar-free-sfsf8pk/
I want to call salt “French Fry Spice” now.
@mossygreen
Speaking of French fries, they’re a Belgian invention. (Calling them French fries in Belgium will get you a dirty look and possibly a lecture.) Being too modest to claim such a phenomenal invention with their own country name, they just call them pomme frites.
Their apparent revenge on us for misnaming those slender oil-cooked staves of potato goodness is to misname a host of products after America. Filet Americain is beef tartare (yes, raw beef), which I had never eaten or even seen eaten until I had gone to Europe. Another is Sauce Americain which they serve with their
French friespomme frites, which bears absolutely no resemblance to anything that Americans would put on their food. Then they extend the concept to naming stuff after the states, also with no apparent tie to anything that has ever existed in that state.Maybe it bothers me more than it should.
@mehcuda67 Also, if you order a coffee, you’ll get espresso. If you want coffee like we drink it here in the US, you’ll want to order a “Café Americain”. It won’t be brewed coffee, but rather an approximation from taking an espresso and watering it down. That’s also the origin of the Starbucks item of the same name. Hot water with a shot of espresso.
This is because most places in Europe don’t have a coffee machine, just an espresso nachine. Obviously, the places that cater to non-EU (looking at you, UK) and US customers will have coffee pots and what we call coffee.
@mehcuda67
Also, in 'Murica, they’re called Freedom Fries™!
@mehcuda67 Hmmm… “Sauce Américaine” contains fish stock… Ketchup originally began as a fish sauce… hmmm…
Cauliflower mashed potatoes! It’s mashed cauliflower.
@callow I say faux-tatoes
@macromeh I LOVE that!
@callow @macromeh Extra love for use of Faux- because I call my salt-free interpretation of Cholula hot sauce “Fo-lula.”
.
@callow I made cauliflower “mashed potatoes” once. All-cauliflower, it was kinda… ehh… I added potato flakes to round it out. So, at about 50-50 it becomes palatable again. Cuts carbs almost in half.
@PocketBrain In that case they are cauliflower mashed potatoes! Nice tip too.
You park on a driveway and drive on a Parkway.
Egg creams, which are made with milk, carbonated water, and flavored syrup; but no eggs or cream.
@rockblossom … and used in “candy eggs” which are candy shaped like eggs… what, do we now call everything by another thing it is shaped like? Is a Baguette a “bread dick?” I hate to think what Dunkin’ Donuts would have to rebrand. Also, while we’re on it, donut holes… those yeasty donuts are squirted into the fryer in rings, the holes are not punched out of the middle. They’re donut dots, or nuggets.
@PocketBrain I’m never going to be able to order a baguette or donut again without laughing
It was already bad enough with tacos and burritos.
Speaking of nuggets, where on a chicken do “nuggets” come from?
And White Castle’s chicken rings should properly be called “Chicken Assholes”.
Chicken Fingers? WTF?
How about those “ye-olde-English”, or those “lovely nature” names that developers give to neighborhoods?
ie a “Willow Creek” neighborhood that contains neither willows or a creek.
A “Marlborough Heights” neighborhood that is in an area with no hills, and has nothing to do with Blenheim or with the Churchill family.
Etc.
Marketing may push toward the death of language as precise or accurate communication; but ever since we’ve had either institutions or tribes, language has been used as much to deceive, spin, confirm biases, and indoctrinate; as much as to inform.
@f00l
I live in “The Meadows” which is basically cleared swamp with pines in sand, with cookie cutter houses.
@f00l Incidentally, the “y” in “ye” is actually the manuscript thorn, a letter no longer used in the English alphabet, represented by the digraph “th” now. So “ye” is really “the.”
an example:
@PocketBrain
Except, that if we’re discussing marketing, usage is all pretty fake.
: )
So, in this context, I guess “ye”
/image ye olde
(In this image, I’m guessing that the “1792” refers to a street address, not a year)
@f00l @PocketBrain “The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them.”
“White” people and “Black” people - no human skin is either of those colors.
E. M. Forster said, “The so-called white races are really pinko-grey.”
And the whole stupid history of racial classification which is really a social construct.
@Kyeh
ditto for the “redskins” and the “yellow” hordes…
There are several species of flightless flies in Hawaii. It can’t fly; why call it a “fly”? It should be called a “walk”. Or a “hop” as it turns out they do that, too.