Tonight, On The Hallmehrk Channel (Pt. 1)

Greetings! The Hallmehrk Channel is kicking off its annual Christmas Movie Marathon. From now through Christmas Eve, we will be showing some of our finest original holiday movies. Here’s what you can look forward to tonight:

Renowned anthro-biologist Janie Pratterson (Pricia Cronline) is called to The McMurdo Research Station in Antarctica on December 20th to investigate strange transmissions the scientists stationed there. The first purported a strange unidentifiable object found lodged in the ice; the second was a cry for help, while in the background could be heard sounds of mass hysteria and violence; the third consisted only of a single scientist whispering for hours at end about the fall of mankind.

Unfortunately for Janie, dopy pilot Cliff Tornston (Flip Newheart) gets his directions mixed up and ends up flying them not to the North Pole instead of the South. There, Janie discovers something that will send shockwaves through the scientific community, and beyond: the existence not just of a magical workshop, but of Santa Clause himself (Topher Donlin), who it just so happens is not the old man so many know and love, but a hunky single dad, looking for someone to teach his two snarky daughters (Hildean Cornet and Tippy Rox Gibbins) the value of STEM education. Will Janie attempt to parlay these findings into tenure? Or will she fall in love and assume the vacant role of Mrs. Claus? Find out in The Thing (About Christmas)!

Down on his luck door-to-door door salesman Ed Haggerty (Joe N. Rivers) is about to have what he expects to be the worst Christmas of his life. His recently ex-wife Patty (Lace Cortelian) wants him to come over to clean out his stuff from the attic once and for all, putting the official kibosh on any hopes he had of wooing her back. In the attic Ed finds his beloved Victrola Bluetooth Turntable and decides to put on some music while he packs. He considers briefly playing something through his phone, as the Victrola will work with any bluetooth-enabled device, no cords required. But then, he sees out of the corner of his eye, a record called The Prize of Christmas by a forgotten country star Butch Wert.

Ed decides to give it a try, and quickly realizes the record isn’t so much a record at all; it’s an audible map to Butch’s long-lost Christmas treasure. Carrying the Victrola by way of its convenient handle, Ed sets off on a wild adventure, wherein he meets a number of quirky characters, all with different idea about the true meaning of Christmas. But what of Butch’s Christmas treasure? Is it gold? Jewels? Or is it the lessons Ed learns along the way, about being a better man? The answer: none of the above! It’s actually an enormous stash of highly addictive painkillers. But what Ed does with them might surprise you in The Last N(arc)oel!

Check in tomorrow to see what great new titles we’ll be bringing your way! And feel free to pitch your own Hallmehrk Christmas movies in the comments, with or without a product tie-in. Who knows? We just might greenlight them!*

*use in a future write-up.