It’s going to be okay. (Or not.)

Shut up, shut up—listen. Shhhhhhhhh. Shhhh. Shhh. Shhhh.

It’s going to be okay. We realize you have no shitting idea how to navigate a Valentine’s Day gift.

That’s fine.

No one does.

Which is kind of appropriate. Because do you know why it’s called Valentine’s Day? It’s called Valentine’s Day in honor of not one, but TWO dudes named Valentine who fucked up and ended up dead. Some scholars even include a third Valentine in the mix, but all they can agree on about that guy is that he also ended up SUPER DEAD.

So yeah. You’re basically doomed, but in a very canonically poetic way.

Regardless, this is one of those topics where generations of historians have tried and failed to comprehensively connect the dots between how a medium-sized pile of dead guys named Valentine translates into you feeling pressured to buy a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a teddy bear for someone you want to sleep with.

History is tricky that way.

In any case, it seems like this would be the kind of thing that would have maintained some sort of meaningful integrity until Hallmark could come along and ruin it. But even Shakespeare had Ophelia bitching about Valentine’s Day drama halfway through damn Hamlet, which considering how much Danish whining is in that play is like a whiny nougat center in a chocolate that’s already made mostly of whining.

So Valentine’s Day has been stressful nonsense for at least the last 400 years. That’s all we’re saying.

Then it’s no wonder that in 2023 we’re all stumbling our way through this odd ritual and collectively spending millions of dollars on nonsense in the hopes of just getting through February 14 unscathed.

Anyway, let’s assume you’re trying to avoid the usual teddy bear and chocolate claptrap. Let’s also assume that whatever subversive anti-commercialization message you feel compelled to champion in the spirit of true love is also an ill-conceived and terrible idea that will go over like a bag of farts.

Well, then…you’re in jewelry territory. Except unless you’re fantastically wealthy and are only still here for the wry camaraderie and brilliant writing, you probably aren’t one of those fat cats ready to drop a grotesque three-figure sum on some bling.

Lucky for you, we’re ready to hook you up with a sparkly piece of romantic jewelry that could maybe seem like it costs a few thousand bucks if you lay down a pretty thick backstory, but that realistically you’d expect to drop a few hundred on, but thanks to Meh being Meh you can grab it right now for $29.99.

After all, isn’t that what love is all about?

(We have no idea.)