Better Than Birds

Everyone always said the machines would come for all of our jobs one day or another. But did I listen?

No!

I thought, what could they possibly do to replace me, Giuseppe Montclair, trainer of the finest avian photographers and videographers in all the Cincinnati metro area? Residents of eastern Ohio and western Kentucky who needed aerial shots had no choice but to hire one of my camera-wielding pigeon teams (two to carry the equipment, one other to snap the photos or hit the record button)!

In fact, so secure did I feel that I grew rather arrogant. Clients would come to me, frustrated with how their shoot had gone. “The pigeons kept getting distracted by a stray piece of hot dog bun and refused to point the camera at us,” they’d say. Or, “They kept fighting each other, and so all the photos came out blurry.” Or, “Your quote-un-quote highly trained birds made excrement on the wedding cake.”

And how would I respond to these entirely fair and appropriate complaints? Not with apologies and partial refunds, but rather, devious laughter. “If you don’t like my pigeons,” I’d tell them, “hire a helicopter next time!”

Of course, my hubris is not what cost me my livelihood. Had I been more polite, my business still would not have survived, what with the advent of drones. Take this one from Snaptain, for example. No, it does not coo in a pleasing way as my birds do. But it is very easy to fly, what with its push-button takeoff and landing, 3D view mode, the ability to hold altitude, and programable trajectories. And it costs just $29. Which, of course, was my hourly rate, per pigeon.

What I mean to say is that I do not begrudge the drones. If anything, they have taught me a valuable lesson in humility, one that I will take with me into my next venture: an avian house staffing agency! That’s right, I have trained my pigeons to vacuum, dim lights on command, check the front door, and brew single cups of coffee.

Let’s see machines try and do all that!