Don't Wafel

One perk of writing for Meh is that I have access to our retail calendar. That means I know what we’re selling, when we’re selling it, and for how much. And sure, given that we literally have a button that you can click to express just how unimpressed you are with our product selection, it’s not like the calendar access is always a smash hit. But it has come in handy a few times.

Usually, when I see something I want, I make a mental note. If I forget, so be it.

But that won’t do for this sale. This time I am not fucking around. No sir. I have set an alarm for 11pm central, Monday night, so I don’t miss it. Which means, by the time you are reading this sentence, I will have already purchased somewhere between 24 and 72 stroopwafels. That’s how seriously I want these damn things.

But hold on, let me back up. Some of you might be wondering: what the hell is a stroopwafel? It’s a Dutch treat consisting of two small ultra-thin semi-chewy waffles pressed together with a divine caramel syrup in the middle. Legend has it that you can place a stroopwafel on your coffee and the heat will warm it, making it more pliable and delicious. But I have yet to confirm this fact, because to do so would require me to sit there, staring at a stroopwafel without eating it. In other words, an impossible feat.

But I should clarify something. These ones we’re selling today? They’re not your basic-ass snack-cart do-you-want-pretzels-cookies-or-the-stroopwafel stroopwafels. Rip Van Wafels are the kind of stroopwafels that are profiled in TechCrunch. The company was founded by two enterprising ivy leaguers, and as such, they’re not afraid to toss around the jargon:

Pruisken [who started the whole thing] believes the company’s success has come from iterating on the snack much as a software engineer might fiddle with JavaScript. “We have been reinventing our product every two years,” he said. “We are trying to make our product healthier while providing this very indulgent taste.”

But the truth is they actually do some innovative stuff. Like, for example, these dutch caramel and vanilla ones contain just 3 grams of sugar. The rest of the sweetness comes from “monkfruit extract.” Plus, they’ve got fewer calories and more fiber than a lot of granola bars. Yet, according to reviews, this doesn’t equate to sacrifices in flavor; over on Amazon, they have an average rating of 4.2 out of 5 based on 811 reviews.

Which is all to say: they’re the perfect thing for right now, when we’re all stuck at home and need a few indulgences here and there. Think about it. You want a snack that’s not too small, like a single chip or an Oreo, because you’ll be too tempted to just keep eating them. You also don’t want a snack that’s too big either, like a candy bar, because you can only have one, lest you eat a meal’s worth of calories between actual meals. The stroopwafel is the perfect a middle ground. Have one couple hours after breakfast, and you’ll be set until lunch. Yet, you won’t feel guilty if you go back for seconds.

Do I sound excited? Honestly I might just be hungry. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to eat a handful of shredded cheese and wait by the door for my stroopwafels to arrive.