QBeam 500 Lumen COB Flood Light with Ratcheting Handle

  • Designed to look like a cyber-purse but with enough lumens to illuminate all sorts of shit
  • 500 lumens to be exact
  • Racheting handle can be used for carrying or propping
  • You know what else looks cool: this week’s spacey shirts from Mediocritee
  • Model: 608233, which feels appropriate for such a rigidly-designed product as this
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Some Light Reading

Dear Hebastian,

Father was kind enough to give me the address of your camp. That you would choose to use your imposing stature and your knowledge of international poaching laws in order to protect eyelash vipers of the Amazon is as unsurprising as it is noble. Suffice it to say I am proud to call you my brother. You, I imagine, are less eager to put such pride in me.

Placed next to your life, anyone’s would seem drab, but especially mine. Yes, I am still on that island off the northern coast of Maine, a small nameless hunk of land in the waters that somehow belongs to neither the United States nor Canada. Yes, I am still in my position helping old Mr. Fines oversee his dilapidated inn. Yes, the position was supposed to be temporary, a series of light maintenance projects to be completed during the inn’s slow season. But you see, brother, the inn, in its remote country-less existence, experiences what is essentially a perpetual slow season. To put it bluntly, in my entire year here, I have seen not a single guest.

Mr. Fines makes for fine enough company, although he is a dolt and moreover a sore loser. Take our biweekly game of checkers: he finds the sight of one piece upon another to be obscene, and therefore refuses to move his pieces to the far end of the board to be kinged. As such, I have no problem taking him down. Or, I would. The issue is that Mr. Fines, a man with a strong karmic connection to avians, has trained the local seagull population to sneak in through a basement window and trip the breakers when he emits a high-pitched whistling noise. And so, often as I am two or three moves from a win, he will make just such a sound. Within minutes, the room will be plunged into darkness, at which point, in his faux-shock, he will knock the board off the table, disallowing my triumph.

But I will best him in our next game. For I have acquired a QBeam 500 Lumen COB Flood Light. When it comes time for us to square off, I will carry the light down from my quarters using its convenient ratcheting handle and I will set it up beside the board. If I hear the whistle, I will switch it on, thus giving me enough light to see my way to victory. (It will also be nice just to have; the seagulls often do a lot of damage to the fusebox, and it can be a long time before we get an electrician out to the island.)

Does this all sound inconsequential and petty to you, brother? Likely it does. But such are the ties of family that you will endure it. I hope you will write soon with news of the snakes.


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