Mehrry Christmas!

Here at the Hallmehrk channel, we are excited, on today of all days, to announce the newest addition to our lineup of cutting-edge holiday entertainment. Take a look:

Cross-stitch enthusiast Nina enters a craft fair with her most recent work, a thirty-two square foot faithful cross-stitch rendition of an Iosua Taeoalii painting of Hunter S. Thompson riding a rhinoceros through the desert.

At the craft fair, Nina is taken aside and brought into a world she never thought existed: Stitch Club. The first rule of Stitch Club: you don’t talk about Stitch Club. And the second rule of Stitch Club: thimbles are for dweebs.

The second act of the film lays bare the secrets of the underground extreme cross-stitch scene. There are many dramatic montages and exciting angles showing things you never thought you’d see cross-stitched being cross-stitched. In a climactic scene ripped right from the drama of Sylvester Stallone’s classic Over the Top, there is a live championship stitch-off between Nina and a dark, mysterious over the road trucker who is just passing through town looking for a little stitching action.

After winning the championship, a slightly older looking Nina suddenly must work to cross-stitch a new Christmas angel for the Newburg town Christmas tree. If she doesn’t finish, Christmas will be ruined!

See it all in this movie that proves that if you want to get the Hallmehrk Channel to pay for your weird ass cross-stitch movie, your best bet is to hastily recut it into a Christmas movie instead. Don’t miss… A Cross-stitch in Time for Christmas!

This came from @djslack, the most skillful and prolific (and, uh, I think, only) Hallmehrk movie pitch writer out there! All of us here at the Hallmehrk channel are excited to have you on board! Your starting salary is… uh… our thanks for playing along with our weird content series.

But, in all seriousness, today seems like a fitting day to honor you, @djslack. Not just because it’s Christmas, and traffic is low, and we’ve gotta do something with the site. No, in many ways, @djslack, you’re our poo-pourri. No matter how stinky things get around here, you’re always there to brighten the mood with funny comments, helpful insights, and jerky reviews… by which we mean, reviews of jerky, not reviews by a jerk.

So, Merry Christmas, @djslack, and Merry Christmas everyone else, too! And to all a good night of NBA basketball and egg nog. Now, we’re going to take two months off to gather our thoughts and… lol, jk, we’ll be back tomorrow.