Scales Don't Tell The Whole Story

We all have those events we can look back on and think: wow, that was a real life changer. Maybe it was a dance at prom. Maybe it was a job interview. Maybe it was a simple conversation over coffee in which someone said something particularly insightful.

For me, one such event occurred on a warm spring afternoon when I was busking on the streets of Chicago. A tall thin man wearing dark shades approached me, said he liked my sound, and offered to bring me to his studio. Only, there was no studio. Instead he brought me to a strange underground lab where he used me as a test subject for a variety of experimental pieces of technology, turning me into the ultimate super weapon. In fact, you could say that Doctor Crank–oh, that was the man’s name, by the way–made a crucial mistake that fateful day, as the various enhancements made me so strong, I was able to break out of the facility and navigate my way to an abandoned subway station where I’ve lived ever since.

Yeah, that was a pretty big turning point in my life. And not just because it gave me a calling: to infiltrate the headquarters of GloboTek, the company funding Doctor Crank, so that I could use the very might they provided me with to enact my revenge, all while trying to convince Sheryl, my girlfriend of many years, that this hulking mound of muscle and metal I call a body is her long lost sweetheart.

No, something else changed forever that day too: my understanding of standard scales.

Seriously, the cybernetics in me alone weigh north of 700 pounds. Add to that a muscle structure denser than some diamonds, and a special force I’ve been made to exert–something Doctor Crank called “triple-gravity”–and do you know what an old fashioned scale would say? Well, not much, actually. As it would likely shatter under my feet. Which is to say nothing about how all the magnets in me might scramble the reading.

But that’s not the point. The point is, there’s more to a healthy body than weight. So, if you’re not a quasi-android like me, you should consider buying one of these Omron Body Composition Monitors. It doesn’t just give you your weight; it measures five other metrics as well: body fat percentage, visceral fat, skeletal muscle percentage, resting metabolism, and body mass index. And if you’re in a household with more than one person–like I hope to be, once Sheryl can finally see that, despite my scarily jacked new exterior, I’m still the same old Blane–that’s not a problem: it will automatically sense which of up to four profiles is stepping on for check-in.

Seriously, if only GloboTek could’ve made something like this, rather than investing their time and resources into morally questionable body modification.

Hey, speaking of GloboTek, these guards here at the GloboTek headquarters aren’t going to tie themselves up! Because they’re unconscious. So I better get going with that.

And you better get started on your own journey! One towards a more nuanced understanding of your overall bodily health!