Mr. Christmas Illuminated Nostalgic Wooden Storefronts
![Parody inspired by [post your guess] intended](https://d2b8wt72ktn9a2.cloudfront.net/mediocre/image/upload/c_pad,dpr_2.0,f_auto,h_400,q_auto,w_400/ddawyopviwbzgpqdaehl.webp)
Our Take
- We did Black Friday yesterday, which means we can get super Christmas-y early this year
- Cute decorations for the mantle or the front window
- Old-timey as all hell
- $18 each, or buy all three for $39
- Can they make a margarita: No, and besides, you should be shifting to eggnog now
Wondrous Morning
Running to the window, he opened it, and put out his head. No fog, no mist. Clear, bright, jovial, stirring, cold—cold, piping for the blood to dance to—golden sunlight; Heavenly sky; sweet fresh air; merry bells—oh glorious, glorious!
“What’s today?” cried Scrooge, calling downward to a boy who loitered on the sidewalk below.
“Eh?” returned the boy, with all his might of wonder.
“What’s today, my fine fellow!” said Scrooge.
“Today!” replied the boy. “Why, it’s Saturday, November 22nd!”
Scrooge blinked. “What?”
“It’s the Saturday preceding Thanksgiving, sir,” the boy cried.
“Sorry, I really thought you were going to say, ‘Christmas Day,’” Scrooge called down.
“Why would you think that?” the boy asked.
“Well, you know.” Scrooge gestured to the street. “It just looks totally friggin’ Christmas-y around here. Like, check out those Mr. Christmas Illuminated Nostalgic Wooden Storefronts on display in all the windows. You’re telling me people put them up and it’s not even December yet?”
“Sir,” the boy cried, “the Black Friday Meh-rathon was yesterday, an entire week before the typical Black Friday! Which means we get to start acting all Christmas-y early this year! Isn’t it wonderful?”
“Sorry, there was a what now? A marathon?”
“M-e-h-dash-athon,” the boy explained.
“That doesn’t make it clearer,” Scrooge said.
“Meh,” the boy explained. “It’s an exclamation of mediocrity, and thus it stands in stark contrast to the website’s founder’s previous endeavor, which was called–”
“Sorry, did you say ‘website’?” Scrooge said.
“Yes, you know a digital page that exists only–”
But Scrooge had already shut his window. Such a bizarre conversation! And what’s more, the muddled nature of it had erased the memory of his dream. He couldn’t for the life of him remember what had occurred therein or what moral the images had been meant to convey.
Thus, Ebenezer Scrooge prepared for work and made a resolution for himself: today would be the day he finally fired Bob Cratchit. The man simply annoyed him too much with all his woe-is-me coal talk.
Windmill Magic
Big Enough to Impress, Calm Enough Not to Annoy.
Every year there’s that one piece of decor that quietly shows up, does its job, and doesn’t demand a whole supporting cast of inflatable penguins to make sense. This is that piece. A windmill spins, glittery snow does its dramatic slow-motion swirl, and Santa just cruises through like he’s late clocking in for his December shift. It’s whimsical, it’s weirdly calming, and it won’t judge you when you plug it in sometime mid-October because you “just needed a little joy today.”
