We've Come To Bargain

Whoa, Martian watches again? On consecutive Fridays? Déjà vu! It’s a time warp! We’re going back into the recent past, to the point of some freshly made mistake, and giving you a chance to make it right. Just like famed quantum leaper Scott Bakula used to do!

How, you ask? Do we have some kind of time machine?

Yes. Yes, we do. In fact, we have scores of time machines. They’re watches. They are machines for measuring time. And the mistake we’re sending you back to correct, the wrong that must be righted, is that y’all didn’t buy them all last time. So let’s try it again.

Here’s a fresh pile of “smart” wristwatches from recently-defunct manufacturer Martian Watches. Alas, poor Martian! A firm of most excellently fancy timepieces. This one here is the mVIP Smartwatch with step-countin’ “fitness tracker” capabilities.

For anyone worried about loss of support for these watches’ “smart” functions, they’re covered by the cockamamie warranty we invented last week. The warranty period starts now (not last Friday) for watches purchased today. Coverage keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.

Q: If I buy one of these Martian Watches “time machines”, will I be able to travel through time?

A: Yes. But only forward, at a pace of one minute per minute, like you’ve always done.

Q: If I declined to buy a Martian “smartwatch” the last time you sold them, shouldn’t I likewise decline this time? It’s not like I suddenly started wanting one out of nowhere, and anyway making a different choice now would spawn a new timeline with unpredictable and potentially catastrophic results?

A: No. Regardless of what you did when you last faced what theoretical physicists call “the Martian Watch dilemma”, we assure you the best thing for humanity – or at least the part of it that’s us – is for you to buy at least one of these watches today. In fact, failure to do so could trap us in a closed time loop, condemning us to repeat the same cycle again and again. We’ve seen it happen before.

How, you ask? Do we have some kind of time machine?

Yes. Yes, we do. In fact, we have scores of time machines. They’re watches. They are machines for measuring time. And the mistake we’re sending you back to correct, the wrong that must be righted, is that y’all didn’t buy them all last time. So let’s try it again.