Stop Thinking

Thinking sucks.

Okay, wait. That’s wrong. Thinking obviously rules and is what separates us from mollusks and shit. And yes, fine, it’s possible that mollusks do think, but definitely not like humans do, and also, if we know that mollusks think at all, it’s because some person thought, I wonder if mollusks think? and then kept on thinking about how to measure whether mollusks think or not and ways to secure funding and how–

Sorry, wait, this is a write-up about a wine opener/preserver. How did we get on this mollusk thing?

Oh, right: thinking, it’s great! But also, it sucks.

Because, while thinking can lead you to make discoveries about stuff like the thought process of mollusks, it can also complicate what should be an easy decision.

For example: should you have a glass of wine tonight?

In most cases, the answer should be a simple, “sure, why not?” Unless you have to drive someone somewhere, it’s really not a big deal, right? Like, one glass? Enough to help you unwind after a long day and put your mind at ease, so that when bedtime rolls around, you’re ready to close your eyes and drift easily off to sleep? That sounds great!

But then you start thinking.

You’re all like: Do I really want to get the corkscrew out? And then you’re like: Is the leftover wine going to turn to vinegar if I only have one glass? And then you start in on some mental calculus involving how much you spent on it, and how much you want some right now, and whether or not your willingness to potentially waste three-quarters of a bottle so you can have one glass is an indication of a short-term-oriented mindset, which is maybe why you can never make the leap to get out of your dead end job and commit to a longterm relationship, et cetera, et cetera.

All because you wanted a glass of wine.

But with this thing, you don’t need to worry about all that. You can open the bottle easily and then vacuum seal it once you’ve poured a glass, preventing oxidation and keeping your wine fresh for days. I.e. there’s nothing to think through. You can just have your glass of wine and go on with your night.

So maybe this thing should actually be marketed as a 3-in-1 product: a wine opener, preserver, and thought eliminator.

No. That sounds stupid.

Ugh, we’re going to be thinking about how stupid we sounded just now for days, aren’t we? And also about mollusks. Man, thinking really is the worst.