Piles of Power

Today’s deal is for an approximate crapload of batteries. It’s just…a whole lot of them. And you know how when you buy a new TV or something and the remote comes with a couple of batteries in there? How you’ve seen about 100 of those batteries in the course of your life, but never the same brand twice?

Yeah, this isn’t that. These are made by Energizer—one of about two battery companies that actually have a reputation for anything.

So we’re not going to ramble on about how swell these are. Instead, we need to articulate just how damn many of them you get for $27. Below are 110 bogus, meaningless, and generally inaccurate facts about Eveready batteries. If any are true, it was an accident.

But—as in contemporary reality—the facts don’t actually matter. So see what 110 of something looks like by beholding our giant pile of dumb facts. We put them in stacks of ten for your visual processing enjoyment.

The value of this? Questionable.

The point? That 110 of something is a lot!! (Are you even paying attention?)

Here are 110 fake battery facts.

Eveready batteries were the sole source of power for Apollo 11.
Eveready batteries are used as currently in several small island nations.
Eveready batteries are chocolate on the inside.
Eveready batteries were invented by Steve McQueen.
Eveready batteries smell like lilac.
Eveready batteries can balance on one end if it’s the solstice.
Eveready batteries can balance on one end if it’s not the solstice.
Eveready batteries are the official battery of an obscure Ohio motorcycle club.
Eveready batteries are based on the novel Push by Sapphire.
Eveready batteries will spin counterclockwise in the Southern Hemisphere.

Eveready batteries are vegan.
Eveready batteries contain all the colors of the rainbow, except orange.
Eveready batteries can’t dance.
Eveready batteries have a rich nougat center.
Eveready batteries shot the sheriff.
Eveready batteries got game.
Eveready batteries wrote this list.
Eveready batteries floss regularly.
Eveready batteries know the truth.
Eveready batteries did not shoot the deputy.

Eveready batteries can easily believe it’s not butter.
Eveready batteries skate goofy foot.
Eveready batteries tweet with unlimited characters.
Eveready batteries cheat at cycling.
Eveready batteries found love at a dog park.
Eveready batteries write in third-rate cursive.
Eveready batteries are the song the whole world sings.
Eveready batteries fly business class (when they have credit card points).
Eveready batteries keep it real.
Eveready batteries ride in the carpool lane.
Eveready batteries read to kids at the library.

Eveready batteries speak softly and carry a big stick.
Eveready batteries embrace the void.
Eveready batteries cheat at golf.
Eveready batteries are no fun at parties.
Eveready batteries watch foreign films with subtitles.
Eveready batteries stop at all railroad crossings.
Eveready batteries bring all the boys to the yard.
Eveready batteries watch Scarface on a big TV.
Eveready batteries never forget a face.
Eveready batteries speak French, badly.

Eveready batteries think kids are the future.
Eveready batteries write to their congressperson.
Eveready batteries fold the fitted sheets into a perfect square.
Eveready batteries have a favorite James Bond actor, but it isn’t who you’d think.
Eveready batteries come in single-A, but you aren’t allowed to see those.
Eveready batteries do pushups before bed.
Eveready batteries floss daily.
Eveready batteries save fast food receipts.
Eveready batteries bake bread from scratch.
Eveready batteries prefer one-ply toilet paper.

Eveready batteries saw the ending of The Sixth Sense coming.
Eveready batteries get sad in the wintertime.
Eveready batteries went to Prague in college and never shuts up about it.
Eveready batteries orders reach dressing on the side.
Eveready batteries count calories, but only other people’s.
Eveready batteries avoid sidewalk cracks, but superstitiously.
Eveready batteries boycotts a local diner but can’t remember why.
Eveready batteries glow in the dark.
Eveready batteries turn down the radio while nearing their destination.
Eveready batteries are allergic to antidotes.

Eveready batteries are full of antioxidants.
Eveready batteries are better than you think.
Eveready batteries watch you sleep.
Eveready batteries go hard on weekends.
Eveready batteries are terrible for juggling.
Eveready batteries make your TV remote feel safe.
Eveready batteries hate daylight saving time.
Eveready batteries reads trashy romance novels on the bus.
Eveready batteries mark the first day of spring.
Eveready batteries had a Mohawk in college.

Eveready batteries took a dive in the third round.
Eveready batteries stretch before exercising.
Eveready batteries think you’re doing just fine.
Eveready batteries pluck their eyebrows.
Eveready batteries wear a t-shirt at the pool.
Eveready batteries keep their email inbox at 0.
Eveready batteries tear up the labels on beer bottles.
Eveready batteries clack the tongs before use.
Eveready batteries drive defensively.
Eveready batteries mispronounce “espresso” in a way you might not expect.

Eveready batteries dance like no one is watching.
Eveready batteries gargle politely.
Eveready batteries eat their dessert first.
Eveready batteries write without spellellcheck.
Eveready batteries milk cows.
Eveready batteries go for drives on Sundays.
Eveready batteries parallel park without hanging up the phone.
Eveready batteries read Kierkegaard.
Eveready batteries draw 3-D translucent cubes.
Eveready batteries change the furnace filter regularly.

Eveready batteries drink with one pinky up.
Eveready batteries are afraid of the ocean.
Eveready batteries sing along and get the lyrics wrong.
Eveready batteries max out a 401(k).
Eveready batteries agree with 4 out of 5 dentists.
Eveready batteries hate Pilates class.
Eveready batteries never hit the snooze alarm.
Eveready batteries failed 10th grade geometry.
Eveready batteries dream about six-legged spiders.
Eveready batteries never buy the newest cell phone.

Eveready batteries dry slowly.
Eveready batteries go bananas.
Eveready batteries have elaborate house rules for Monopoly.
Eveready batteries hate quiche.
Eveready batteries respect hustle.
Eveready batteries sneak food into movie theaters.
Eveready batteries fart affectionately.
Eveready batteries order steak medium rare.
Eveready batteries forgot about Dre, but only for a minute.
Eveready batteries read all the way to the bottom of this list.

^^ Man, just look at all those tidy stacks up fake facts up there. Just imagine that they’re batteries and that they’re on your battery shelf. (If you don’t have a battery shelf, you should probably clear one off before this order arrives.)

Oh, and if you’re more of a AAA kind of person, this list would be even longer—you get 168 of those. Just squint a little and pretend it’s a slightly smaller font for a comparable effect.

Now go order some damn batteries. This turned out to be more effort than expected.