Coleman? That's Cool, Man!

People ask me, how’s the job? How’s life? And when I say, “Stable,” they smile and say, “That’s great to hear!” And I don’t know how to tell them, no, actually, it’s not.

Like, sure, it’s good to have the work, paycheck, benefits, etc. But, here’s the thing: when I signed on to be the night watchman at a mysterious chemical engineering company with a nondescript slogan that could also be read as vaguely menacing (“better living through human innovation”), I guess I was hoping for a bit of… I don’t know… excitement.

Seriously, would it kill this place to give me one enormous mutant test-rat with glowing red eyes? Or what about a strange sewer creature that came about due to my employer’s questionable materials disposal practice? Like a gator that walks on its hind two legs and can leap the distance between two skyscrapers downtown?

Or, it doesn’t even have to be a creature. It could just be that, one night, when I think the place is empty, I stumble upon a meeting where one of the higher-ups is being held in his seat by henchmen, while across the conference table from him sits a reclusive, eccentric billionaire. And the higher-up nervously stammers, “I can get you your prototype in just two weeks, Mr. Skull. We’re close, we’re so close, I swear! Just please don’t break my pinkies.” And Mr. Skull says, coolly, “You have 48 hours,” and gets up and walks out, past where I’m hiding in the little enclave with the soda machines.

But what do I see instead?

Hallways. Just plain old hallways. And the grounds around the office building too.

Once, I heard a bang by the dumpster and got excited, but all it was was a raccoon. A big fat raccoon, and I convinced myself that maybe it was mutating into a monster. But then, few months later, I saw a raccoon and with a bunch of raccoon babies following it around. Mystery solved: it was pregnant.

Another time, I saw something on a white erase board that said, “Most powerful” and that got my heart going. But the following two words were not “Flying Grizzly Bear” or “Insanity Gas” or anything. Instead, it was “Mouth Wash.” “Most powerful mouthwash.” Great.

Honestly, I blame my Coleman flashlight for a lot of this. When I went into this line of work, I read it’s smart to have a good light. So I got this one. It’s got 650 lumens of illumination, and can cast a beam 525 meters into the distance. Plus, it’s water and impact resistant. Now, though, I’m starting to think, that whole “good flashlight” thing was bad advice. Because a good flashlight like this Coleman? It’s too bright! It lights up too much! It doesn’t leave room for being scared of what lurks in the shadows! It is, simply put, too reliable!

Anyway, I better get back to work. I’ve gotta check the parking lot, where I’m sure I’ll see… a bunch of empty parking spaces.

Sigh.