Doing The Thing For The Thing

When I buy a thing to do a thing, I don’t want to have to do the thing myself. Even if it’s just a pre-thing, a small version of the thing that the thing is supposed to do–even if all I have to do is to prep the thing that goes in the thing so that it can do the thing–I don’t want to do that thing. That’s why I got the thing in the first place: so it could do that thing for me.

I think it’s pretty obvious what I’m talking about here: juicers.

Sure. There are rinds, seeds, stems, etc. And you know what? I’m willing to take care of all that before I stick a piece of fruit in my juicer. But my generosity ends there.

That’s why this Big Boss Juicer is the one for me. It’s got a wide mouth. Like, it’s 30% larger than the openings on a lot of other juicers, which means I don’t have to spend 20 minutes slicing kiwis and bananas just so they’ll fit into it.

And that’s the way it should be. Because, if I’ve got something and its sole purpose is to take a fruit or vegetable and so utterly destroy it that all that’s left is the murky liquid of its pulverized insides, I shouldn’t have to do any “pre-destroying.”

What I’m saying is: I want a juicer that is basically a magician. I present it whole fruits. It recites an incantation, and haza! Juice!

Or maybe I want a juicer that’s like a cartoon factory. Materials are conveyer-belted into one end, that song plays (you know the one) and something inexplicable and complete emerges from the other end.

But really, I just want a juicer that requires as little work as possible. Because I’m lazy.

And friends: this is that juicer!