How many times has THIS happened to YOU?

You’re watching TV and you see a kitchen! Only it’s not like YOUR kitchen - it’s better! It’s cleaner! It’s more FUN! The people in it are happier than you because THEIR kitchen is on TV and you’re stuck in your sad, messy, ACTUAL kitchen in the depressing real world!

There’s got to be a BETTER WAY!

And here it is! The As Seen On TV Kitchen Bundle will turn your pathetically dull kitchen into a WONDERLAND of effortless deliciousness, just like the kitchens on TV!

You get the Easy Eggwich, the microwave egg cooker which produces picture-perfect pucks of protein in just SECONDS!

You get the Deli Pro, the astonishing knife with a built-on thickness guard, for slicing deli-perfect slices of meat, cheese, or bread EVERY TIME!

And that’s not all! You also get four Bacon Bowl baking pans, the easy way to turn perfectly good strips of bacon into super-perfect BOWLS of bacon! You sons of bitches LOVE your bacon, don’t you? Don’t you?

This spiritually transformative pile of cheap crap can all be YOURS for one low payment of just $4 (plus shipping and handling where applicable)! That’s right: turn your inadequate real kitchen into a spectacular TV KITCHEN for four hundred mere pennies!

But wait! There’s more! Order now and we’ll DOUBLE your order of Bacon Bowls! That’s right: EIGHT Bacon Bowls! That’s TOO MANY! That’s more Bacon Bowls than Gandhi, Hitler, and Babe Ruth ever owned combined! If you named your Bacon Bowls after the cast of Friends, you’d have to make up TWO NEW friends just to name them all! We call ours SCOTT and KRISTY! But you don’t have to! It’s just a SUGGESTION!

That’s right: even though it says four Bacon Bowls in the Features, you’re getting EIGHT! Why don’t we just tell you that? Wouldn’t it HELP sell these things? WHAT is wrong with us? Are we, like, STUPID or what?

All this can be yours for just FOUR DOLLARS if you order now! You’ll get the Easy Eggwich microwave egg brutalizer… the Deli Pro knife for imposing pitiless, unforgiving order on your lunchmeat chaos… and an obscene EIGHT Bacon Bowls! May GOD have mercy on our souls!

Stop just watching TV kitchens on TV! Damn your squalid kitchen to HELL and start kitchening like they do ON TV! Operators are standing by! Act NOW!