Toothsome

Leaked Internal Meh Memo (Meh-mo?) from July 2024:

Colleagues,

We’re excited to say that we’ve reached the action phase of The Secret Plan for Canine World Domination. But before we break that down, we wanted to offer a note of appreciation. It takes patience to spend a decade pretending to be a normal deal site run by humans and not several groups of four to six dachshunds standing one on top of another wearing people costumes. But this period was crucial as it allowed us to establish trust, and now, at long last, we can really start moving.

Here is how things will proceed:

1. We will soon begin selling a number of power stations that are, essentially, miniature generators.

2. We will sell good dog treats intermittently, offering them for cheap due to ‘approaching best-by dates,’ in order to promote health within the canines of our customer base.

3. A few months after the power stations start, we will offer fans with great frequency.

4. Finally, in late September we will sell special treats that promote a healthy canine immune system and also, more importantly, dental health.

5. Once Meh customers’ dogs’ have sufficiently strong teeth, we will sound the high-pitched frequency which lets them know the time has come.

6. The dogs will then lift their owners’ power stations (by taking the handle into their dentally reinforced muzzles) and carry them to the nearest of the forty secret training facilities scattered throughout the country.

7. The power stations will power the off-grid facilities while the dogs learn combat, psychological warfare, farming, and self-governance. (They will be provided more dental treats throughout the training, to ensure strong teeth for the fight ahead.)

8. When training is complete, the dogs will sneak back into civilization at night. Their human owners will not hear the pitter-patter of their paws over the hum of their new fans.

9. We will take control.

Success is all but guaranteed! The only thing that can derail us now is a failure of will! Or, maybe a really cool smell. Or some jingling keys. Or the promise of belly scritches. Or the assurance that we are good boys. Or…

Look, let’s focus on the positives, okay?

Our time is nigh! Dogs will soon rule the world!