End of an Era?

If you’re of a certain age, you almost certainly know someone (or are someone) who makes “duct tape can fix anything” a measurable percentage of their personality. We say that like it’s a generational thing, but that’s only because it’s kind of hard to imagine some absurdist Zoomer getting too worked up about tape terminology when they’re supposed to be busy calling Millennials “Boomers” for pausing too long at the beginning of their TikTok videos or channeling the dark humor of Hawkeye Pierce in anticipation of the climate wars.

Man, that sentence really had something for everybody, didn’t it? Not Gen X so much. But that’s the way they like it.

Anyway, given that duct tape was invented in the 1940s, it sure seems like we should have something new by now, and maybe even something that delivers on the “fix anything” promise of the original grey icon. Besides, poorly-aging Jeff Foxworthy bits notwithstanding, there’s actually quite a bit that duct tape isn’t great for fixing, with actual ducts being pretty high on the list.

(Some people will tell you that the perceived mispronunciation of “duck tape” is actually accidentally correct and that it was called that because it used to be green and was used to waterproof stuff in World War II. We’ll consider this some potential engagement bait and let the nerds duke it out in the comments if interested, because for some reason this is one of those things that’s super annoying to research on the internet and we need to reserve some mental bandwidth for the ongoing microfiber fabric conflict.)

But we digress. First time for everything.

Today’s tape at least purports to be that magic DIY cure-all we’ve been waiting for. Honestly, we’re not even sure it actually counts as tape, technically speaking. Because there’s no adhesive.

Instead, you get the (eyeroll-inducing) “nanotech” terminology, which seems to just mean that this stuff is covered in really small suction cups. But, like…really small.

So instead of sticky adhesive, you’re going to get suction bonding between surfaces. Plus because this is double-sided, you can use it to stick stuff right to other stuff. Think area rug onto floor or house numbers onto mailbox or Meh University diploma onto the wall behind you at the coffee shop which you’re pretending is a home office on Zoom. (Editor’s Note: I knew it!!)

This means some things.

It means that you can cut it to size. It means it won’t damage surfaces. It means that you can rinse it and reuse it, which basically makes this deal a lifetime supply, unless you’re going to go completely ham with increasingly half-assed alien tape solutions to every project you encounter.

IT COMES IN A REUSABLE STORAGE BAG.

See what we mean by this not really being tape at all?? It’s better. Way better.

Also “alien” is kind of a dumb name, but it isn’t going to spark 80 years of arguing about ducks vs. ducts, so there’s that, too.

Five rolls!