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3-for-Tuesday: Unsimply Stitched Socks in Gift Boxes

  • Socks that come in gift boxes? What will they think of next!
  • But seriously, if you didn’t get enough socks for Christmas, maybe get some now
  • If you like things that are “fun” and “cool” to wear, check out Mediocritee
  • Model: 50CK-L0B5T3R
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Sock Bottom

Dr. Alders,

Yes, the timestamp on this email is correct. It is 3:49am. And no, I am not writing to ask the day off tomorrow. That is the furthest thing from my mind, given what I’ve just discovered.

When you hired me to work here at the Institute of Sock Studies, you said you cared not about the facial tattoo under my left eye, a remnant of my years spent with F.A.B.R.I.C.: the Fanatical Anarchist Brigade of Radical Investigators of Cloth, a group that can only be described as a textile cult. You told me that as long as I devoted myself to my work and attended twice weekly sessions for my re-acclimation to civilized society, I would always have a place at your organization.

In other words, you gave me a second chance. And today (tonight? this morning?) I have made the discovery with which I will repay you.

We have been going about this all wrong. We study samples of ankle skin taken at different times over the course of decades looking for signs of structural weakness, assuming that, as sock materials get stronger, thus better protecting the tissue from the elements, it will degrade. We interview subjects about their toes, to see if the continual coverage thereof has impacted how much they consider each individual appendage, theorizing that over time human beings might will themselves to be born with only a single large toe extending across the entire front of the foot.

In other words, we always pre-suppose the sock’s dominance.

And yet, we have just passed through the holiday season, and I did not receive a single pair of socks. Which has led me to this, the discovery of our lifetime: the punch-line-ification of socks-as-gift has lead to a steady downtick of the actual gifting of socks. Think of the ramifications of this! Christmastime has historically been when the average sock-wearer acquires 98.7% if the socks they wear throughout the year. As this number drops, wearers will have to rely on older, worn-down socks, which could have an entirely different effect on foot structure over the coming millennia than we anticipated.

And so, it is my opinion that we here at the Institute of Sock Studies should focus our efforts on establishing a program to educate sock wearers about the necessity of purchasing their own (perhaps fun and vibrantly colored) socks after the holiday season has passed.

But of course, I defer to your judgement.

Garland Helm III

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