3-Pack: iEssentials 5W Wireless Charging Pad with 2 USB Ports

  • A couple flat little cyber coasters that charge your Qi-enabled device
  • For the non-Qi, there are also USB charging ports
  • Kinda crazy that a charging pad is so self-explanatory, right?
  • Like, that’s how advanced stuff is these days
  • Model: P4D-2-TH3-80N3
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The Charging Pad: An Analysis

Hello. My name is Ferdinand Clark Henderson III, and Meh has asked me to provide some analysis of this 3-pack of iEssentials charging pads.

Before I get into that analysis, though, allow me to list my bonafides: I earned a bachelor’s degree from Stanford in pad studies at the age of just fourteen. From there, I went on to earn a masters from Harvard and eventually a PhD from Yale. I am now the Gleason Templeton Chair at Brown University’s renowned Harrison Tronksworth Institute of Padiology & Padronomy. Just last week, along with a team of graduate assistants in the pad program–we call them paduate assistants–I successfully proved that the pine cone is, in fact, a series of stiff organic pads. This may seem minor, but it’s a veritable breakthrough in our field as it has been nearly a decade since our last pad discovery.

And yet even I, when presented with these charging pads, was uncertain which pad they most closely resembled.

In terms of form, i.e. their flat appearance, the closest I could come up with was the lily pad. And yet, the lily pad exists in, and benefits from, water, whereas, when someone goes to place one of these charging pads in a lake, the result would be undesirable.

In terms of its functionality, it is not unlike Pad Thai. After all, Pad Thai fills one up with calories much the same way as the charging pad fills a phone or tablet up with power. Also, in addition to the charging surface, there are USB ports. This mirrors Pad Thai as well, with its soft noodles and crunchy peanuts. Still, the comparison also seems imperfect, as when I have, on occasion (and for strictly scholarly reasons) consumed too much Pad Thai, I’ve grown overfull and slightly sleepy, none of which tracks with how these pads operate.

And so, being rather stumped, I decided to dig deeper. Yes, the charging pad charges the phone, but what does it really do? It keeps us connected to those around us by ensuring our phone is always ready for use. If one lacked a pad to quickly and wirelessly charge their phone, said phone might die. This could result in a variety of minor catastrophes: no alarm in the morning, a missed message from a friend, an appointment forgotten and thus requiring rescheduling, etc.

In other words, a dead phone creates quite the mess, in a manner of speaking, and so these charging pads are essentially there to protect us from said figurative mess, much the same way that puppy training pads protect our floors from a literal mess.

Still, this is only my first pass observations. I will have more to say once I attain a grant for further study.

Thank you for attending my lecture.

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