A Plea

Dear Mr. And Mrs. Tamberly,

As you very well know, here at the Smithington Academy For Exceptional Girls And Boys, we believe in two things: academic excellence and stringent order. These two principles, it is fair to say, dictate every every aspect of our nationally-recognized curriculum, but the second is what makes us so unique. After all, while there are many schools that offer students a chance to learn Mandarin or explore astronomy as early as the 2nd grade, we are the only institution that offers classes on “The Aspects of a Successful Sweep” and “Shine: Philosophy & Technique.”

And it is with concern for orderliness that we must, unfortunately, draft this letter.

The Morning Brush is a very important aspect of life at Smithington. By assembling every day at 6:35am, forming neat lines by grade, and brushing their hair in unison and in the various directions and speeds called out by Assistant Headmaster Granderson, the students achieve optimal order atop, as well as within, their heads. It has been a daily ritual since Smithington opened its doors in 1811, but it would seem your child, Gerschwich, aims to upend it entirely.

To be clear, his act of rebellion is not really an act at all. We have dealt with defiant brushers before–those who brush slowly left as Assistant Headmaster Granderson calls out “Right with haste,” or those who have brushed as told but with a sarcastic air. We have dealt with these violators, sternly. Gerschwich, though, does no such thing. He brushes well. In fact, he brushes in the 98th percentile of all Smithington students. It is his choice of hardware that we find problematic.

We require that the students use Wet Brushes, as they are, undoubtedly, the finest around. That each Wet Brush should be of a simple, solid, unassuming color is implicit in this requirement. Or so we thought.

For the past three weeks, your son has been using Wet Brushes with bright and chaotic “watercolor” designs upon them, and it is no coincidence, in our eyes, that during this period we have been questioned more than ever before. Why, the students ask, can they not learn proper laundering and ironing procedures using their own clothes? Why must they wash and iron only the teachers’ robes? And could it be possible, the students wonder, that the daily dusting of the headmaster’s library and tending to the headmaster’s gardens do not, as has been proposed, provide valuable life lesson? Rather, might these tasks allow Smithington to exploit the student body in an effort to save money that would otherwise be spent on a custodial or groundskeeping staff?

These questions are ludicrous, of course, but they keep coming, and they will keep coming as long as Gerschwich continues to use such defiantly flamboyant brushes. Unfortunately, we cannot alter the official school charter to reflect a new Wet Brush design-related rule without the approval of our trustees, and they are unreachable for the next several months, as they winter together, en masse, in a Chateau in a remote region of the Alps.

Thus, we turn to you. Please, take from Gerschwich his problematic brushes and help us restore order to Smithington. We promise to make it worth your while with a generous 1/27th tuition scholarship.

Sincerely,
The Smithington Faculty Collective