The Best Tool For The Jobs

Alright, Craigy, this is it, the big one. We manage to do this, we’re home free.

You heard the story of Bryson O’Leary, yeah? The accountant who stole gold from the mob, buried it all in the woods shortly before he was knocked off, leaving behind no map, only a number of strange, incompressible diaries?

Well, I got my hands on those, and Craigy, it’s a code! I know where he buried his stolen fortune!

I got the coordinates, so don’t you worry about that. I’ll handle getting us there, and I’ll supply the shovels. You just have to get the rest of the tools. Here’s what we need:

For starters, some light. There’s no way we’re going to risk doing something like this in broad daylight.

Next, I have reason to believe that there’s going to be some thick brush around the location, so if you could bring something to cut away any stray branches that’d be great.

Now, if I’m reading everything right, it seems as though the gold is in steel a box, sealed with Phillips-head screws, which is itself inside another steel box, sealed with flat-head screws. So, you’ll need stuff to unscrew those.

Once we get what’s inside, we’ll do two things: first, we’ll destroy the diaries. I Know what you’re thinking. Why does it matter if we got the gold? Because these mob guys hold grudges, Craigy. And we don’t want them cracking the code like I did, finding a big empty hole, figuring out it was us who took what is rightfully theirs, and coming around to collect. Paranoid? Sure. But just to be safe, I’ll need you to get some scissors so we can cut the diaries into pieces and put them in the hole left behind from digging up the box.

Second thing we do? Crack a celebratory cold one, buddy! So be sure to bring a bottle opener.

Oh, and last thing: it’s a lot of dirt roads to get to this place, and I still only got the Civic. It’s supposed to rain, which could make for some dangerous conditions. You might want to bring some emergency gear. a window hammer, a red flashing light, a 100 decibel siren, that kind of stuff. Sound good?

Craigy, what the hell you talking about, you got “a tool” for that? Have you even been listening? I just told you ten things we need!