Cease The Flow

Basically, they’re easy-to-use drain stoppers. You push the button in the middle, it stops the water from draining. You push the button in the middle again, the water flows down the drain freely.

What’s more, each one features an anti-clogging basket. Any hair or food debris or jewelry that goes down the drain will be caught before it clogs. And when the basket is full, just pull the stopper out and toss whatever’s in there into the trash. Although, maybe don’t throw away the jewelry. That would be bad.

Now, there is something we need to clarify. The marketing claims these are universal drain stoppers. But since that claim was made, as those who follow plumbing related science news will know, a new type of drain was discovered: the Drain De Montaigne. And while these may work in Drains De Montaigne, not enough research has been done to ensure as much.

But really, we just wanted to highlight this to bring awareness to the trouble you may face if you’re the owner of such a drain, as they can be very tricky drain to maintain.

Here are a few do’s and don’ts if you find yourself in a home that possesses a Drain De Montaigne.

Don’t, as the voice that sometimes whispers up from the Drain De Montaigne insists, “clean” it twice weekly with fine cognac. This is not required, nor does it actually clean anything. The Drain De Montaigne simply enjoys the finer things.

Don’t run black truffles through its garbage disposal. Once again, the whispering voice will claim this is necessary to “lubricate the gears,” but, in fact, they will only gum up the gears more. (What’s more, after a half-bottle of cognac and some black truffles, the Drain De Montaigne may grow gassy and belligerent.)

Do wear jewelry as you wash the dishes, so long as it is tight-fitting. The reason for this? Most Drains De Montaigne conspire with their faucets to sell any rings that find their way into the drain and split the profit. For this reason, wearing fine jewelry in a sink with a Drain De Montaigne can increase water pressure by a considerable margin, as the faucet attempts to knock rings off into the drain. (But do not try to trick it with costume jewelry; the Drain De Montaigne is very discerning.)

Do play the opera, Seelewig, when a Drain De Montaigne gets a clog. It causes the drain to grow dreamy and contemplative, at which point it releases any compacted debris.

Do buy these drain stoppers.

Okay, that last one doesn’t have anything to do with Drains De Montaigne, which are definitely real and exist. But we stand by it as good advice.