Oddly Specific

You know those candle stores at the mall with wall after wall of wax-filled jars? The ones you walk in and all the scents crowd each other indistinguishably into your face making the entire store plus the Orange Julius stand next door smell like a combination of fancy soap and a teenager trying to hide the smell of pot smoke using three kinds of air freshener?

These candles aren’t that.

Because we’re not talking about some half-assed scent like “pumpkin spice” or “cedar wood” or “Christmas cookie.” That stuff is for amateurs who can’t appreciate a more sophisticated and nuanced scent like today’s deal has to offer. It’s for people who are going to burn them next to the most unapologetic “live laugh love” wall art you’ve ever seen and who probably have a table adorned by a tray full of overpriced wicker orbs for some reason.

No, we’re talking about scents like this first one here: orange, nutmeg, and cinnamon, with a hint of sandalwood, notes of vanilla, and a clean finish provided by equal measures of balsam and amber.

You know, “Book Club.”

Why does that particular combination of scents come together to yield something reminiscent of a book club? We have no idea. The only smell we particularly associate with book club are coffee and panic sweats from once again realizing that it’s the third Tuesday of the month and you still haven’t opened your paperback copy of Gone Girl since last time.

Let’s try another one: frosted air, pine, cedarwood, eucalyptus, amber, and smoke. First of all, how does air smell frosted? Maybe they mean like Frosted Flakes. And smoke? All candles smell like smoke if you lean over far enough.

When we played our office drinking game guessing what these were supposed to be based on the description, the best guess was a panda bear at the zoo who wandered into the penguin exhibit while wearing Birkenstocks and smoking a clove cigarette. This was close, but apparently, the answer is “Ski Trip.”

We’re sorry, but ski trips smell like hot chocolate and ibuprofen and we won’t be convinced otherwise by some overambitious fragrance company.

Okay, one more: oud wood, lemon flower, cucumber, pink melon, kiwi, and patchouli.

Give up?

They call this one “thanks” even though the only scenario where oud wood, lemon flower, cucumber, pink melon, kiwi, and patchouli evoke “thanks” is if you happen to be thanking someone who just handed you some oud wood, lemon flower, cucumber, pink melon, kiwi, and patchouli.

And that would be weird.

Honestly, all of this is strange as hell.

But if you want to get a whiff of how the other half lives when it comes to really complicated and maybe even a bit sophisticated candle scents, well…it looks like now is your chance.

Plenty of odd-ass scents available.

It’s time to indulge. Very specifically.