Multi Functional

An excerpt from the novel Beacher, by acclaimed author Leigh Adult.

Deputy Jacobs and Agent Mink each paced back and forth inside the station. It was well past midnight.

“He should’ve been here by now,” Deputy Jacobs said. He took off his hat and rubbed the sweat off his brow.

“Relax,” said Agent Mink. “Beacher always comes through.” But still, she checked her watch.

Just then, the door swung open, and there he was: Jake Beacher, all six feet six, two hundred sixty-five pounds of him. It would’ve been a welcome sight if he weren’t so bruised and cut and battered.

The other two rushed him.

“Beacher!” Deputy Jacobs said. “You made it!”

“Barely, by the looks of it,” said Agent Mink. “Jesus, Beacher, we sent you to escort State Senator Janson home after a campaign event, not take on the army of a small nation!”

“What happened out there, man?” Deputy Jacobs said. “You run into the Hells Bells Gang and have to punch your way out of trouble?”

“Or did you take a wrong turn,” said Agent Mink, “end at a secret government facility, see things you couldn’t unsee, and have to bash skulls until there was nothing left in your way?”

“Or, I know,” offered Deputy Jacobs. “While escorting State Senator Janson, he mentioned something, clueing you into some serious corruption, which you investigated… with the heel of your boot.”

“Worst than all that,” Reacher said, sitting down and taking the cup of black coffee the deputy handed him. “Hydroplaning.”

The other two looked at each other. “Sorry, what?” said the deputy.

“After I dropped of State Senator Janson, I hit a puddle,” said Beacher. “Went right off the road. Sorry, Agent Mink. I appreciate you lending me your car, but I really messed it up. Flipped it. Although that’s not what all this is from. You see, I couldn’t get out. So I had to punch through the window and eat my way out of the seatbelt, then build a torch with a big stick and some brush I found in the ditch. There will be some serious work to do, but I at least saved you the tow by carrying the car back with my free hand.”

“Umm… thank you?” Agent Mink said.

“But how did this happen?” Deputy Jacobs said. “You’re usually such a great driver.”

“My facial muscles are as strong as my others,” Beacher clarified. “Sometimes they seize up and I can’t see anything. Also, I misspoke before. I didn’t punch the window and eat the seatbelt. I punched myself out of the seatbelt, hence all the bruises, and ate the window.”

“But Beacher,” said Agent Mink. “I told you: there’s a tool in the glove compartment. It’s a flashlight and an emergency flare, plus it can cut seatbelts and break windows. It’s a great addition to any car, and I got a two-pack of them on a website called Meh for twenty bucks.”

“Pfft,” said Beacher. “Meh! That’s funny. But I’ll tell you what’s really meh. This coffee! Seriously, deputy, what did you put in this to make it taste so much like pennies?”

“That’s probably just blood from the window you ate, Beacher,” said Deputy Jacobs.

“Yeah, let’s get you to a hospital, big guy,” said Agent Mink.

(Written with great reverence for the source material and definitely not based solely on watching the trailer to the Amazon show.)