Ranking Horror Movies I Watched In October: Part 1

Hey, I usually keep my word. You can trust me. I know that my posting schedule is… Horrendous, but I said that I was going to rank these movies, and here I am. Now, with these movies: 1) This is MY opinion, not yours, and 2) These movies are ones I SPECIFICALLY watched in October. If I did all-time, this would be about 60 movies, and I cannot do that. I would go insane. Also, these are movies I have watched myself, so movies like Terrifier and the V/H/S series won’t count, since I haven’t seen them. [Yet] Okay, with that, let’s get ranking. (NOTE: There WILL be SPOILERS, so don’t get crabby, okay?)

Also, this will be long.
24: Child’s Play 3

I cannot put into words how bad this movie is. This movie was such a slog to watch, since they recast Andy Barclay (Alex Vincent) to “Justin Whalin” (He exists I guess). He was dull. The other characters were dull. THE KILLS WERE DULL! That’s the thing that SLASHERS are supposed to be! Slashy! The only saving grace I can give this trainwreck is that Brad Douriff (As Chucky) is a wonderful ham in this movie, chewing up the scenery in all the scenes he’s in. Honestly, would I rather:
A: Watch all the Terrifier films in a row while a lid speculum clamps my eyes open.
B: Have my local pastor read my search history out loud in front of a public congregation.
C: Be forced to act in Halloween Kills.
The answer is D, All the above, since Child’s Play 3 is horrendous, and I never want to watch it again.
23: Halloween Kills

Speaking of… This movie also is bad. Now, the kills are good, but when a film becomes “People do stupid stuff while screaming EVIL DIES TONIGHT all film and cause an innocent man (Who looks nothing like Myers) to jump out of a hospital and die”, it loses its charm. Fast. Allyson becomes a dick and {EVIL DIES TONIGHT!] Laurie is chilling in a hospital bed for most of the movie, leaving our focus to be a vigilante mob who sucks at their [EVIL DIES TONIGHT!] job, as Micheal Myers takes them down with ease. Also, they go after him ONE. BY. ONE. They had numbers! They could have swarmed! Alas, as these are [EVIL DIES TONIGHT!] flat characters, and they exist as nothing more but cannon fodder to Myers. At least Micheal does something in this movie, which is more than I can say for Halloween Ends. Which I have not watched, and I never will, as it cuts to 4 YEARS LATER… EVIL DIES TONIGHT!
22: Saw III

TEETH! Sorry, but the poster designer got Saw III confused with SAW: TEETH apparently. Are numbers hard to comprehend? Anyways, this marks the series turn to the torment-porn category, which meant it traded good story and characters for gory gore. This is not good, and it only got worse as the series progressed with its Soap Opera-ass plot. (Which VI being surprisingly good but then dragged back down by Saw 3D [VII] which came right after. Now, a good Saw protagonist needs to be like a Silent Hill protag, with a deep, complex character with flaws and layers, not just simply “good” or “evil”. Jeff Denlon is not that.

“Slow-Ass Motherfucking” Jeff killed more people than Kramer did in this movie, because he is TOO SLOW. He takes his time, because the victims are people responsible/involved in his son’s death, so he needs to figure out if he wants to forgive the people and save them. However, he sucks at his job, and most people die before he can do anything. He is useless. He also dies after killing John Kramer (Accidentally), his wife (Accidentally), and Amanda Young (On purpose). Truly legendary. (Also, Saw IV takes place during III, but this isn’t important right now.)
21: Friday the 13th

Okay, I KNOW this is controversial, but let me explain. I know this is like the “Founding Pioneer” of the Slasher genre, but it shows its age. Almost all of the characters (Aside from Alice and Pamela) are flat and are made to have sex and be killed, the story drags in the middle, and I… I just don’t like it. Guys! A person can have opinions! I just don’t really like this movie, okay? It’s my ranking, not yours. If you don’t like it, then MAKE YOUR OWN. Go on. I’ll continue while you work.
I… I don’t have anything else to say about this movie. I don’t have it, but I don’t like it. It’s in Limbo. Anyways, Pamela is Jason’s mother, and she’s pulling a John Wick to avenge her son from the horndog camp consolers that let her son drown. But he’s still alive. He has a franchise to make money on.

20: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

This movie had so, so much potential. This is my problem with movies based off of anthologies, (And books, but that is a rant for another day, because if I talk about it right now, I am going to devolve into mad gibberish, and since I watched Child’s Play 3, I want to make this as painless as possible) because there is so much you can do with this. Now, I didn’t live through when these books were popular (and controversial), but I have read them, and I know firsthand that… Yeah… The stories they chose for this movie are basic.
1: Harold
So, when the jerk jock (Forgot his name. Honestly, the characters are plain) keeps messing with Harold (The scarecrow), the jock gets killed in a kill that is PRETTY GRAPHIC FOR A PG-13 FILM. He gets stabbed with a pitchfork, and straw starts coming out of the holes and his orifices, before he himself turns into a scarecrow. Now, if they kept this level of body-horror throughout the entire movie, that would have been GREAT. But they didn’t. Not that I blame André Øvredal (The director) or Guillermo del Toro. (The producer. I love his work for The Cabinet of Curiosities and The Book of Life. Check them out!) Content guidelines and rating industries suck when making a movie, since they “Don’t like gore”. Hell, the 1981 My Bloody Valentine was originally rated X, but the gore had to be cut down to get a R rating.
2: Oh no I’ve said too much, but I haven’t said enough (Damn my rambling)
Honestly, from here on out, the movies are watchable. Just don’t go into this movie expecting something great, because it isn’t, but it gets the job done. Or, read the books yourself. Books are good. All in all, an OK movie. (Also, the sequel is in Legal Limbo… Yeah)
19: Child’s Play 2

This movie is boring, okay? Every scene that was without Chucky was a slog to get through, and there was quite a bit of them. However, this movie is NO Child’s Play 3, as this has the REAL Andy Barclay, Alex Vincent. I do like this movie for taking place after the first, but with the consequences of what happened, Andy’s mother getting taken away and him going into foster care. Now… The new family. The dad is just stupid and makes me mad. He fits the trope of “Clueless Adult who disbelieves everything until he dies” to a T. He does get his neck snapped by Chucky, though. And right in front of his wife, adopted daughter, and Andy. Chucky is cold.
Cold, hard plastic.
Anyways I liked the climax of this movie at the Good Guy factory. Very cool set piece. An OK movie.
18: Final Destination

This movie is why I will never get on a plane. Just like FD2’s log truck, (Which isn’t on the list in case you are wondering) the opening premonition has scared me forever.

But think about it. Since these movies gave us eternal fears about ordinary things, they have achieved immortality, thus living forever in the minds of the generations that watched the movies, and generations to come. As long as planes exist, this movie will live in the minds of viewers, always making sure they look twice at any and every object they get near, or lest they perish in a Rubegoldbergian way.
Anyways, the movie. So, each FD film goes like this.
1: Introduce MC and supporting characters
2: They die in a public incident
3: But it was a premonition had by the MC, so they rescue their friends (The other people still die)
4: The characters start dying in overcomplicated ways.
5: Uh oh, Death is pissed and coming for you. (Either figured out themselves or info given by William Bludworth (TONY TODD))
6: They break the cycle
7: Or did they?
Now, I like this movie, but not as much as 17. (Hence why it’s 18) This is a good way to start a franchise, honestly. Now, I do hate how they killed Devon Sawa off offscreen with a falling brick. They kept Clear Rivers, though. Until she died from an explosion in 2. However, the best kill in the first movie must go to Tod Waggner’s death. DAMN. It is so messed up. It’s the first true kill in the movie, and undoubtedly one of the most disturbing in the entire franchise. It will NEVER make you want to take a shower again. Go. Go watch the movie. It’s an OK movie.
17: Final Destination 5

Look at that poster. Rebar overkill. Trust me. Just one stick o’ rebar can execute a person. 9 pieces, though? That’s just showing off. Or flaunting that this movie is in 3D. However, this movie is leaps and bounds better than “The Final Destination” (The 4th one) A.K.A. the Silent Hill: Homecoming of the franchise. Now, what puts this movie above the first one? Well, 3 things. One, the kills are good and gory WITHOUT feeling cartoony (Cough cough FD4), two: Some characters have depth and are likeable, and 3: THE BEST TWIST ENDING. THIS MOVIE IS A STEALTH PREQUEL TO FINAL DESTINATION. You heard me right. The main characters go on FLIGHT 180, the same one that explodes at the beginning of the first movie, and that tragedy ends up affecting the characters in Final Destination 2! This movie created this ripple that kicked off everything!
Also, Bridge collapse.
Okay, so… You made it through Part 1. Nice job. Luckily, the movies get better from here. (Because that’s how ranking works) Also, sorry for the long post. I like horror, and I like talking about it, so I need an outlet.
Take care.