October Meh-rathon: full story

[1]

The Whodunnit Wagon made its way along the road, winding between the fields.

In the front, Greg drove. Next to him on the bench seat sat the always dapper and fashionable Delilah, and next to her, the bespectacled and ever studious Val. Rounding out their crew in the back seat were Bushy and his Irish Wolfhound, Tooley.

“It sure was nice of your Uncle Victor to invite us to see his lab at the Institute of Gourd Studies,” Greg said.

“And at Halloween time to boot,” said Delilah. “What a perfect holiday to spend around the world’s leading pumpkinologists.”

[2]

“Like, I for one am interested to see about what advancements they’ve made in the pie department,” said Bushy.

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like, “I too would like to partake in some pumpkin confections.”

[3]

“Relax, you two,” Val said. “Uncle Victor doesn’t usually work with the sugar pumpkins. His goal is to breed varieties that are both drought resistant and easy to carve.”

“Well, in that case, like, you better pull over at this farm stand coming up,” Bushy said, pointing out the window. “Like, you know I can’t do science on an empty stomach.”

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like, “I too would like to treat my sweet tooth before hearing about your uncle’s work.”

[4]

Greg eased the Whodunnit Wagon onto the side of the road, and Bushy and Tooley tumbled out of the backseat, rushing up to the stand laden with pies, donuts, bars, and other fall favorites.

The girl working the till looked at her watch anxiously.

[5]

“Yeah, like, I’ll take two pies, a dozen donuts, five bars, and one of everything else,” Bushy said.

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like he said, “I will have an order identical to his, thank you very much.”

“Suits me,” said the girl. “If you clear the place out, that means I get to close early and get back to town.”

[6]

“You don’t live on the farm?” Val asked, coming up behind Bushy and Tooley, both of them somehow already wearing bibs and holding forks and knives, licking their lips at the feast the girl was packing up for them.

The girl scoffed. “No, thank god. This is my Aunt’s place. I help out so she and my Uncle can tend to the fields. Times are tough these days, with the water issues. But anyway, I don’t like to be out here after dark. On account of Jack and all.”

[7]

Greg and Delilah joined the rest of the gang.

“Who’s Jack?” Greg asked.

The girl stopped packing the treats, much to Bushy and Tooley’s chagrin. “You mean you haven’t heard?”

“Heard what?” Delilah said.

“About Jack,” the girl said, “the sentient, sinister pumpkin.”

[8]

Bushy and Tooley gulped, exchanging looks (but not lowering their utensils).

“S-s-s-s-s-sentient, sinister pumpkin?” Bushy said.

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like, “This news is not what I wanted to hear.”

[9]

“Apparently,” the girl said, “those kooks up at the Institute went too far. It’s sick. First thing, they started nuking the water supply for their tests. But then, they got mad with power, Doctor Frankenstein-like. Next thing you know, there’s reports of a terrifying pumpkin man roaming the fields, getting revenge on all those who’ve carved up and baked his brethren.”

“Like, yikes, man,” Bushy said.

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like, “I too fear these things the young woman says.”

[10]

“Anyway, here’s your grub,” the girl said, handing a teetering tower of paper bags and boxes to both Bushy and Tooley. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll eat it on the road going that way, back to town and away from here.”

Once they’d all gotten back into the Whodunnit Wagon, Bushy expressed his agreement. “Like, maybe she has a point. They’ve got pumpkins elsewhere, and, like, in most places the pumpkins aren’t the ones doing the carving.”

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like, “I agree. Retreat, though cowardly, would be preferred.”

“Well, I for one want to hear what Val’s uncle has to say about this,” Delilah said.

“Me too,” Greg said.

“And I as well,” said Val.

“Welp,” said Bushy, turning to his dog. “It looks like we’re outvoted again, buddy, old pal. Only one thing to do.”

And all the way to the Institute, the two of them drowned their sorrows in pumpkin-flavored treats.

[11]

“So you’ve heard,” said Val’s Uncle Victor when they arrived and relayed the farm stand girl’s warning. He shook his head. “I tell you, this creature couldn’t come at a worse time. Halloween is usually when we invite the locals to the Institute and show them some of our recent gourd-related breakthroughs. Now, no one’s interested in coming up here. And things were already contentious. What with the water issues.”

“Yeah, what about those water issues?” Val asked.

“Well, if I’m honest, I can’t explain it,” Uncle Victor said. “One year, we’re using just as much water as any pumpkin patch. But this year, our consumption is way up.”

Just then, a lab-coated man entered, carrying a piece of paper. “As I said, professor, it’s nothing to worry about. It’s all a matter of weather patterns and whatnot. Some years you need more water, some years you need less.”

“This is my assistant, Anton,” said Uncle Victor. “At any rate, it’s making the local farmers restless. I just don’t know what to do.”

“You could start by signing my timesheet,” Anton said, holding out the paper.

“Didn’t I sign this yesterday?” Uncle Victor said, studying the sheet.

“You’re too stressed, professor,” said Anton. “You’re misremembering things.”

[12]

Uncle Victor shook his head and sighed. Then, fetching a pen, he signed Anton’s time sheet.

“I do say,” he muttered under his breath as he wrote his name, “there are times when the stress gets so much that I wish it would work.”

“What do you mean?” Greg said.

“Oh, nothing,” Uncle Victor said, as he watched Anton leave. “It’s just that, well, with all the local tensions, if Jack did succeed in spooking some into selling their land to the Institute, it would almost be welcome at this point. Just to avoid the constant fighting with the neighbors.”

[13]

“Surely you don’t mean that,” Delilah said, aghast.

“Well, it would beat the current situation,” Uncle Victor said. “For example, our budget this year for Halloween party snacks is nearly quadruple what it usually is, and I doubt anyone will even come!”

“Say, Professor Val’s Uncle, old pal,” Bushy said, interested in the conversation for the first time. “Like, if you’re looking for someone to get that snack stash down to a reasonable level, well, me and Tooley are experts in making food disappear.”

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like, “Yes, we’re veritable garbage disposals!”

[14]

Uncle Victor wiped his brow.

“If you’re feeling peckish, feel free to have a bite,” he said. “It’s just through there in the mess hall.”

Bushy and Tooley rushed off through the door Uncle Victor had indicated.

“Soon that place will live up to the name, with those two,” Delilah said.

“How do you mean?” asked Uncle Victor.

“Let them around a bunch of food, and you’re sure to have a mess,” Delilah said.

Uncle Victor laughed half-heartedly.

“Now, I have some work to get done, but why don’t you kids have a look around,” Uncle Victor said. “Whether or not the Halloween party happens, we certainly have some exciting specimens.”

[15]

In the mess hall, Bushy and Tooley sat back-to-back, their stomachs engorged from the binge.

“Like, Tooley old pal, I’m not complaining,” Bushy said, picking up the empty chip bag he’d just finished. “I like standard potato chips as much as the next guy, but didn’t the professor say that they’d spent more money than ever on this stuff? It’s nothing but store-brand snacks!”

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like, “Makes you wonder where the money went.”

“Say, maybe it went to the decor,” Bushy said. “Like I didn’t notice that big statue in the corner before, of the spooky pumpkin man. But gosh, those are some impressive animatronics. It almost looks like it’s alive!”

“Jack carve!” screamed the pumpkin man, raising a knife aloft.

Bushy and Tooley shot to their feet. “Like, yikes! It’s him!”

[16]

Bushy and Tooley began running, their feet spinning so fast they looked like wheels, despite the fact that, for a moment, they drifted back slightly before bursting forward.

Jack followed in swift pursuit.

“Jack carve!” he called.

[17]

Bushy and Tooley rushed into a room with a filing cabinet. Despite being a tall man and the largest breed of dog in the world, they nimbly opened two filing cabinet drawers, leapt in, and pulled them shut.

Jack arrived a moment later, opening one drawer and then the other.

As he did so, the third (and bottom-most drawer) opened, extending between his legs and behind him, allowing Bushy and Tooley to leap out and run away.

[18]

Jack pursued the two of them down the hall but lost track of them, stopping at a stretch where, for some reason, there were two jack-o’-lanterns.

Jack looked one way, then the other, before taking off the way he’d been going.

“Jack carve!” he called, continuing his pursuit.

Bushy and Tooley’s heads popped up from inside the pumpkins, the jack-o’-lantern top and stem sitting on them like hats. Their legs popped out from unseen holes, and they ran in the opposite direction.

[19]

Jack rushed down a hallway, coming to an abrupt stop before nearly running into Bushy and Tooley, wearing fedoras and blazers and holding notepads.

“Hi, we’re with Pumpkin People Magazine,” Bushy said. “How do you feel about being voted most eligible Pumpkin Person Bachelor for the fifth year in a row?”

Jack looked around, confused. “Jack… carve?”

“You certainly have carved out a niche for yourself!” Bushy said. “Now, we’ll just get your picture for the magazine and be on our way!”

Tooley took a large old-fashioned camera and snapped his picture. The burst of the flash bulb briefly blinded Jack, allowing man and dog to get away.

[20]

“Wow,” Greg said, leaving one of the labs. “Your uncle wasn’t kidding. They certainly have some interesting specimens around here.”

“They sure do!” Delilah said. “I’ve never seen a pumpkin that can do that before.”

“I’m a bit more surprised by what I see out in the hallway,” Val said in a hush.

“Huh?” Greg said.

But Val pulled them behind a plant and held her finger to her lips. Up a little ways, they watched as a young woman exited a door labeled “Authorized Personnel Only.”

It was the girl from the farm stand.

[21]

Greg, Delilah, and Val stood from their place behind the plant and made their way over to the door.

“Well, isn’t that strange,” Delilah said. “A local farm girl with access to a room like that.”

“I’d say it’s more than strange,” said Val. “I’d say it’s a clue.”

“But what’s behind this door?” Greg said.

Just then the knob began turning.

[22]

Greg, Delilah, and Val rushed to hide behind the same plant as before.

They watched as the door opened, and a figure in a white lab coat stepped out, and–

BAM!

[23]

Greg, Delilah, and Val found themselves sprawled out on the floor among a shattered pot and soil, the plant unearthed and lying across the hallway. Bushy and Tooley were on top of them, having rounded the corner and collided with their friends.

“Are you kids okay?” Uncle Victor said.

“Yeah, looks like you took a heck of a spill,” said Anton.

Both men wore white lab coats. Greg, Delilah, and Val looked from one to the other, trying to figure out where each of them had come from.

[24]

“Like, me and Tooley are okay now,” Bushy said. “But just a minute ago we had a run-in with one of your prized specimens.”

“Specimens?” Uncle Victor said. “A run-in?”

Bushy stood up. “Yeah, the one that’s about yay-big, can run on two feet, has a knife, and hunts… people!”

“Are you saying–” Anton said.

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like he was saying, “That’s right, we’ve been pursued by the pumpkin man of legend, first spoken of by the young woman who works at the farm stand.”

[25]

“You kids stay here in the copy room,” Uncle Victor said. “I’ll alert security.”

“Thank you, Uncle Victor,” Val said. “This is a perfect place for us to get to the bottom of this mystery.”

[26]

“Please, Val,” Uncle Victor said, “I know you and your friends are keen on this sort of thing, but let us handle it. In the meantime, is there anything else I can get you?”

“Like, one more bag of those store-brand chips for the party might help settle me and Tooley down,” Bushy said.

“I’ll bring some right over,” Uncle Victor said, leaving.

[27]

“Store-brand chips?” Greg said.

“I thought the professor said they’d spent more than ever on this year’s party snacks?” Delilah said.

“Like, that’s what Tooley and I were talking about,” Bushy said.

“Something doesn’t add up,” Greg said.

“Or maybe it adds up all too well,” Val said.

[28]

Just then, the gang heard something: a sort of grinding sound.

Bushy left into Tooley’s arms. “Like, it’s that carved creep, back again but with a chainsaw this time!”

“Relax, you two scaredy-cats,” Val said, tracing the sound to the corner of the room. There, she found the shredder. From its slot, a jammed piece of paper stuck out, the top just barely readable: “Employee Time Sheet.”

[29]

“Here, help me out,” Val said, as she struggled and failed to pull the paper loose.

Tooley took hold of her waist, Bushy a hold of his, Greg a hold of his, and Delilah a hold of his. Together, they pulled and pulled, until the sheet finally yanked out, sending it flying into the air and fluttering to the ground. The momentum, meanwhile, sent Val back into Tooley, Tooley back into Bushy, Bushy back into Greg, and Greg back into Delilah.

An instant later they were all tangled on the ground, rubbing their heads.

“Oh no, my glasses have come off,” Val said (who, by the way, had been wearing glasses this whole time).

As she blindly felt around on the ground for them, the paper from the shredder fell into Greg’s lap. The top half was whole, but the bottom had been turned to tassels by the machine. Still, Greg noticed something odd.

“It looks like someone cut the bottom off this sheet,” he said.

[30]

Just as Val felt around on the ground near the door, someone knocked.

“That must be Uncle Vincent,” she said, standing but still blind without her spectacles. She opened the door.

“Uncle Vincent,” she said, “you’ve changed out of your lab coat!”

“Um, Val,” Delilah said.

“And your face? Your color seems strange?” Val said. “Are you okay?”

“Val,” said Greg.

Val blindly felt the figure’s cheeks. “Your skin! It’s hard as a rind! If I didn’t know better, Uncle Vincent, I would say you’re turning into one of your specimens!”

Just then, Tooley spied the glasses on the floor. He ran over, grabbed them, rubbed them against his chest to clean them, and sprinted, whimpering, over to Val.

“Oh, thank you, Tooley,” she said, taking the glasses from him. Putting them on, her vision restored, she found herself face-to-face… with Jack the Pumpkin Man!

[31]

“Jack carve!” Jack cried, raising his knife.

“Oh, well, hello there,” Val said. “It’s nice to finally meet you. But unfortunately, I just remembered I have a prior engagement! Bye!”

Val ran forward, the rest of the gang following suit, knocking over Jack and briefly trampling him. And for reasons that couldn’t be explained, this did not indicate to them that they could, with great ease, overpower and unmask their foe.

[32]

Through the hallway, the gang ran.

Jack, back on his feet, clomped behind them.

“Jack carve!” he shouted, in pursuit.

[33]

Eventually, they came to a room. It was a confusing architectural feature, though one seen frequently in the buildings in which the mystery-solving teens with oddly middle-aged voices often found themselves.

It was a wide hall, with six doors, three on each side.

Greg, Delilah, Val, Bushy, and Tooley split up, each going into a different door.

Jack arrived a moment later and stood thinking, before choosing to go in the sixth and final door, the one on the lower-right.

[34]

Then, Tooley ran out of the lower-left door, running across the hall into the door that Jack had just entered.

After that, Tooley ran out of the middle-right door with Jack in pursuit, crossing to the upper-left door.

Delilah then exited the middle-left door and crossed to the middle-right door, while Greg exited the upper-right door and ran to the lower-left door.

Val ran across from the upper-left door carrying Tooley in her arms, while from the lower-right door, Bushy ran, the three of them colliding with Greg, who was now, despite the illogic of it, exiting the upper-right door.

[35]

The sound of the collision drew out Delilah (from the top right door), then Jack (from the lower left door).

“Jack carve!” he called out, raising his knife.

The gang took off, once again trampling Jack on their way.

[36]

The gang slipped into a room, closing the door behind them. Greg leaned on the door, out of breath.

“Well, gang,” he said between huffs, “I think we lost him.”

“Say, what is this place?” Delilah asked, looking around.

[37]

They were in a small, tight room, without windows. Along the wall, shelves ran to the ceiling.

“Looks like a storage closet to me,” Val said.

“And, like, we’re in luck, Tooley-old-pal,” Bushy said to his Irish Wolfhound. “Someone’s storing some snacks in here!”

He stepped to the shelf where there sat a bowl of what appeared to be roasted pumpkin seeds.

[38]

“Are you two really going to eat those?” Greg said, stepping away from the door.

“Yeah, you don’t even know when they’re from,” Delilah said.

“Like, the only expiration date I’m worried about is mine,” Bushy said, taking a handful of seeds, “with that carved creep running around here.”

With that, he popped one into his mouth and took a bite.

CLANG!

The pumpkin seed was so hard, Bushy’s whole body vibrated as he bit down.

[39]

Bushy spit out the seed.

“Like, on second thought, you might be right,” he said. “These things have gone stale.”

Tooley sniffed the bowl of pumpkin seeds suspiciously. Val stepped up next to him, took one out, and held it up to examine.

“Not stale,” she said. “These were grown this way on purpose.”

[40]

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like, “But why would someone do such a preposterous thing?”

“I don’t know, Tooley,” Val said. “But there’s someone we can ask.”

“Who?” Delilah said.

“Jack,” Val said.

“Please don’t tell me you’re saying what I think you’re saying,” Bushy said, shivering with fear.

“It’s time to catch this ghoulish gourd and solve this mystery once and for all,” Val said.

“Like, I told you not to tell me!” Bushy said.

[41]

The five of them stood on the lawn just outside the Institute. Behind them, the building loomed. To the left, the neighboring farmer’s field, complete with a spooky scarecrow. To the right, a gentle hill that ended in a pond.

In front of them, a pit they’d dug covered with leaves. They’d taken four pumpkins, scooped out the middle, and mushed it into the ground, making a slippery mess.

“That should do it,” Greg said. “Jack the Pumpkin Man will run out here, slip on the slick grass, and fall into the pit.”

“But how will we get him out here?” Delilah asked.

“Easy,” Greg said. “Tooley will lure him out!”

[42]

Tooley barked in a way that sounded like, “Absolutely not.”

“Aw, come on, Tooley, won’t you do it for a Tooley Snack,” Val said, taking out a bag of dog treats that mysteriously bore their Irish Wolfhound’s name.

Tooley, standing on his hind legs, crossed his front legs and shook his head.

“How about two Tooley Snacks?” Val said.

This got the dog’s approval. Val tossed two snacks in the air, but before Tooley could eat them, Bushy leapt in front, swallowing them both, and nobody found it remotely odd that a human person would voluntarily, and with great excitement, eat multiple dog treats.

[43]

“You snooze, you lose, buddy old pal,” Bushy said, before running into the Institute, Tooley in tow.

“Now we wait,” Greg said.

[44]

Moments later, the doors burst open, issuing out Bushy and Tooley in front, Jack in hot pursuit behind them.

“Jack carve!” cried Jack, his knife raised.

All was going according to plan. Bushy and Tooley veered off to the side, towards the property line, leaving Jack to slide and careen into the pit.

But just then, Tooley saw the scarecrow and got spooked.

[45]

“Oh no!” Delilah cried as she, Greg, and Val watched what unfolded:

Tooley veered back, bumping into Bushy, who ran into Jack, knocking him off course before he could fall into the pit.

The three of them tumbled down the hill towards the pond.

[46]

Tooley, Bushy, and Jack tumbled and tumbled, right over two two-by-fours that were sitting near the pond’s edge for some unexplained reason.

As they rolled over them, the two-by-fours were picked up into the fray.

[47]

When they came to the pond, they didn’t fall into the water. By some miracle, they ended up water skiing across it, with Jack balancing on the two boards, Tooley standing on his shoulders, and Bushy standing on his.

The moment of serenity didn’t last.

They came to the other end of the pond and crashed into a small outbuilding, which exploded in a cloud of debris.

[48]

Val, Greg, and Delilah rushed to see what happened.

When the dust settled, they found Bushy and Tooley sitting on top of an overturned canoe that had apparently been inside the building.

“But where’s Jack?” Greg asked.

Which was when they heard the pounding of fists coming from under the boat.

[49]

In the parking lot, the local sheriff stood with Jack, still in costume, handcuffed.

“Thanks for calling, kids,” the sheriff said. “The community will be glad to know this terror is off the streets. Or more accurately, out of the fields. But who is he?”

“Before we unmask, any guesses?” Val asked.

“Is it your Uncle Vincent?” Delilah said. “He said scaring off some of the farmers would sure make things easier.”

Just then, Uncle Vincent burst through the Institute’s doors. “Kids! I heard what happened! Are you all okay? Oh my, you’ve got him!”

[50]

“Like,” said Bushy, “then it’s got to be the girl from the farm stand. She wanted to scare the Institute away. Or else make them look like villains for creating Jack, so maybe they’d, like, get the boot out of town. Right?”

Val shook her head.

“Good theories, both of them,” Val said, reaching for the mask and pulling it off, “but here’s our real culprit!”

“Anton!” Uncle Victor cried at seeing his assistant’s face.

[51]

“But why, Anton?” Uncle Victor cried. “Why would you betray me like this?”

“Yeah, what does he have to gain from all this mayhem?” the Sheriff asked.

Anton grimaced and looked away but did not speak.

“I can explain,” Val said.

[52]

“The reason for Anton’s ruse is twofold,” Val went on. “First, the chaos he wrought as Jack caused my Uncle Vincent considerable stress. That way, Anton could claim you were forgetful and get your signature on his time sheet over and over again.”

“That explains the jammed shredder,” Delilah said.

“But what good could come of having a pile of signed time sheets?” Uncle Victor asked, scratching his head.

[53]

“He cut the signature off the time sheet,” Greg explained.

“That way,” Val continued, “he could adhere it to order forms. He was already using gallons and gallons of water on his secret project, more than ever before. But water wasn’t all he needed. There were supplies to buy, too.”

[54]

“Impossible,” Uncle Vincent said. “I would’ve seen discrepancies in the budget.”

“Not if, with a little clever bookkeeping, he hid the expense somewhere else,” Val countered.

“Like, right here, Professor Uncle Vincent,” Bushy said, holding up a bag of store-brand potato chips that apparently he just happened to have.

“In a chip bag?” Uncle Vincent said, confused.

“In the snack budget for your annual Halloween party,” Val explained.

[55]

“But what could he possibly be working on?” Uncle Vincent asked.

“Pumpkins with seeds hard as steel,” Val said. “Seeds so hard, in fact, that they could be used as munitions.”

[56]

“Which brings us to the second motivation for dressing up as Jack,” Val continued. “If he could scare a local farmer into selling his land, Anton would buy it, not for the Institute, but for himself. And then, he’d be able to essentially have a munitions factory that benefited from farm subsidies.”

“So that’s why the girl from the farm stand was here,” Delilah said. “To negotiate the sale of her Aunt and Uncle’s farm.”

“Well, yes and no,” said the girl from the farm stand, stepping out from behind a car.

[57]

“You see,” the farm stand girl explained, “I told Anton that’s why I’d come to meet him, but really I was scoping him out. I’m afraid I haven’t been entirely honest with you kids.”

Here she took out a badge.

“Anne Welker,” she said, “undercover FBI agent.”

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