Sprays of our Lives

Feels like every other night, some massive thunderstorm rolls in, testing the functionality of sump pumps across the Midwest.

But the gardens love it! They rejoice! The window boxes seem almost to sing!

And then, a week later, you realize it hasn’t rained since that one big storm, and the sun has been shining, and the temperatures have become like that annoying overachiever kid you remember from middle school: intent on maintaining averages in the 90s.

Point is, even if it rains buckets, you still need a hose.

But also, if you’re not going to need your hose every day, you probably want one that remains compact, so it’s not in the way when you don’t use it.

And actually, even if you do use your hose every day, you still probably want one that’s not a big, hard-to-control mess.

That’s what this is. Or, not exactly. Because it’s not one hose that fits this description. It’s two. For $30, you can get a pair of 25-foot expandable hoses and sprayers. And if that doesn’t sound like enough length, head over to SideDeal and grab the daily deal there: two 50-foot expandable hoses for $60.

And if that doesn’t seem like enough hose, well… you could buy these hoses and those hoses and hook them all together, maybe? That’s possible, right?

Anyway, a pretty simple sale, huh? You might even say the product sells itself! (But that would be false; hoses have no idea how to use Salesforce, nor do they have hands to use a computer at all.)

But we just wanted to include a couple selling points that most ignore, in case a few of you out there are on the fence:

1. These hoses provide extra security by looking like coiled up snakes when they’re not in use. Think about it: some burglar rolling up and seeing the typical kinked green hoses in a jumbled mess outside your house? They’re not thinking twice. But these? They can appear downright reptilian, especially in low light!

And…

2. They’re great for gaslighting. Here’s how it works: find a wealthy older relative and have them measure the hose when there’s no water in it. Then, run water through it, measure it yourself, and say, “Wow, Aunt Gladys, I sure am worried you managed to botch that measurement so bad. It leaves me concerned about your ability to deal with numbers at this point of your life. Maybe I should help you with your finances.” Boom! Now, you’re rich!

Okay, actually, maybe don’t do that last one. It’s probably illegal and definitely unethical.

But do buy some hoses. Specifically, these ones.