Looks Like You’ve Made It

Hello there.

Welcome to the club. We’re delighted to have you.

And I have to say, we were a little surprised to see your application come through. Obviously, you managed to sneak your way into the neighborhood by buying the McGreedy place when Bob Cartwright’s housekeeper’s financing fell through, but we didn’t expect you to be in the club, if you know what I mean. [Stately Chuckle]

But my goodness. Look at your credentials.

Fancy seasonal wreath on the door—check.

Stone mailbox that you can’t get at Home Depot—check.

Exterior accent lighting that actively begs people to admire your house from the street—check!

We knew that you managed to pass the background check run by that private investigator from the homeowners’ association, but we had no idea you were this…legit.

Heck, you even have the weirdly empty garage with nothing on the walls except an oversized logo from the company that makes your weekend sports car, you delightful such-and-such.

Well welcome to the League of Extraordinary Suburban D-Bags. Can I offer you an imported lager from my basement bar which has one of those weird shuffleboard tables that nobody uses? Then I’ll get you added to the group chat where we look for lost pets and comment suspiciously about people we don’t recognize walking up the street in the middle of the afternoon.

Now have you updated your voter registration? Becau—hold on.

Your accent lights.

Do they…clip…on? I don’t see any wires, either. Are they…solar? We’re not really into that sort of, look never mind, did you even have a landscape architect weigh in on this? It honestly looks like you just clipped them up there and—did you bother to measure the spacing? Here I’ll just look these up online. $34.99??? This can’t be happening.

Excuse me, I need to speak with Marshall and Penny for a moment. Please wait here.

— — —

And there you have it. You were in the club for a solid five minutes before the facade came tumbling down. Maybe you don’t have a landscape architect. You’ve probably never even initiated a lawsuit on the basis of insufficient lawn care, much less threatened a DoorDash driver for trying to bypass the gatehouse.

But just because you’re not a rich asshole doesn’t mean that you can’t have the stately gutters of one.

Check these out. All class. No wiring. Just clip them up wherever you want and admire your house from the curb.

Sixteen goes a long way. And if you’re lucky enough to have more house than that will cover, you can probably afford to buy more.