Stimulating (Or Not)

Ah, yes! Finally! My first ever gym membership! This is so exciting!

What’s that? You’re offering to show me around? Oh, no, that won’t be necessary. I’m sure it’s all very intuitive!

I’m sorry, sir? What did you ask? ‘How much can I bench,’ was it?

Well, as much as is necessary, though I prefer individual chairs, really. A little bit more personal space, don’t you think?

Huh? You want to know if ‘I even lift bro’?

Thanks for inquiring, but I’ll start with lifting weights!

Did I hear you correctly? ‘Would I like to do some burpees’?

Not particularly, no. At least not at the moment. But if this is something that gym members are expected to do upon entry, please let me know, and next time I’ll be sure to drink a seltzer in the parking lot so I’m good and ready.

I’m sorry, you’re curious if I’d like to do ‘some circuit training’?

I appreciate the offer, but I’m really here to get in better shape, not become an electrician. Though, do not misunderstand me: I have the utmost respect for the trades!

How do you say now? Am I interested in ‘spotting you’ while you ‘deadlift’?

Certainly, if I see you out in public acting as a pallbearer, I’ll issue a small nod of greeting, given that we know each other now. But don’t worry, nothing too showy. I would hate to interrupt the sanctity of the proceedings. And I’m so sorry for your loss.

And what’s this now? Do I take my pre-workout drink ‘stim or no-stim’?

Of course, I understand this question. It’s so simple! Stim is obviously short for stimulant. So you’re asking if I’d like something that comes packed with caffeine, like the Raw Nutrition Thavage, which has 154 milligrams of caffeine per scoop–130 from Caffeine Anhydrous, and an additional 24 from DiCaffeine Malate–or if I’d like it caffeine-free, like the non-stim option from the same company, Raw Nutrition. That’s the question, right?

But I’ll keep my preference to myself, except to say that I got a killer deal on mine.

Excuse me? I should get started? Great idea! And then I can, what was it? ‘Hit the showers’?

I was actually hoping for a few rounds on a punching bag, but if a steady stream of water is all you have, that’s fine too!