Thanksgoating – Day twenty-one. Welcome to me. The next. Warning… This might get deep
14This is likely going to be a deep topic and probably an emotional one for me. It’s ok to check out now. This is going to be a long one. Might be a two-parter.
Today I am thankful for adoption.
I was adopted. I have an older sister who was also adopted. And, no, we’re not blood related. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just go back and order another one if you like the first. There is an accompanying discussion that goes hand-in-hand with this one. I’m not going to discuss that. Let’s go. Hold on.
I was born in 1971 to an unwed teenage mother. She made the very difficult decision to give up her childhood for mine. And put me up for adoption. I have tears in my eyes typing that.
I got to spend one day with her. She wasn’t supposed to, but she named me Christopher. A day later I was Joshua.
I grew up knowing I was adopted. I have no recollection of when my parents actually told me, I just always knew. The very worst memory in my life was when I was a small child in an argument with my mother and I shouted, ‘you’re not my real mom’. I die every time I remember that. I know it scarred her; it scarred me too. I would love to be able to forget that. In all the hands that have ever been dealt, I got the very best one. I couldn’t have ended up with better parents if I had been able to choose them myself.
In my early twenties I had a very real dream where I met my birth mother. It was so real… I awoke shaken. That had me pacing around my apartment and I eventually called my mom and said I wanted to stop by and talk about something. I drove across town to see them. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, so I was pretty conflicted about saying anything. My dad got home, and I fumbled with my words trying to get out what I wanted to say. Eventually I just blurted out ‘I’d like to know more about my adoption’. My dad looked at my mom, then back at me, and laughed. He said, ‘we were wondering when you were going to ask’. My mom ran out of the room and came back with a yellow legal pad with all the notes they had. There was nothing super identifying, but it turns out that my mom was Danish and Czech, and my father was German, Irish, Scot and English. Until that day, I was just from Seattle. I woke up the next day a little more whole.
This was early 90’s. I had dial-up. But I started searching with the data I had. This was kind of the onset of the internet and there weren’t any great piles of findyourmom.com sites available. There were a few adoption reunion registries that were getting started. I left a post on one with the limited information that I had and that was that.
Time would pass.
The entirety of it all would stir up with me from time to time. I was dating my Jenny at this point and things started weighing heavy on me again. I found an adoption group in Tampa and Jenny came with me to a few meetings. There were people who were searching. People who had found. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it really wasn’t. There were people who were adopted and weren’t lucky like me and landed in abusive homes. It was a mélange of stories. All different, but it was a place where you could voice it and no one judged. Kind of like this place
You’d be surprised how many adopted people there are you know… you just have to start the conversation. I guarantee there is at least one person reading this post that is also adopted. You don’t have to say anything. But I know the shoes you walk in.
A year before I got married I got a call from my mom. She starts off with, ‘umm… you have a sister’. I was like yeah, I know. She said, ‘No. A younger sister’.
My heart fell through the floor.
It turns out my birth mother (we’ll just call her Kathy from here on) got a new computer for Christmas and got online and wasn’t exactly searching for me, but rather researching if I was looking for her what hurdles I’d face. The first site she went to she scrolled through all the posts and at the very bottom, there was my post from years ago. It had just enough information that she knew it was me and she was able to locate my parents phone number.
They sat on it for a bit but eventually my half-sister (from here on we’ll just call her my sister ) called my parents and had a long conversation with my mom. My mom told her that she’d call me and pass along contact information if I wanted it. I was gobsmacked. I took a bit to collect myself and made that very difficult call. My sister answered and we had a very long conversation. We exchanged a lot of photos online and the next day, Kathy was ready to talk. It was so emotional. I needed it so much, but I wept. Letting go of almost 30 years of questions was a lot to deal with. And I got a picture of my grandfather. The first person I’d ever seen that looked like me. It was emotional overload but wouldn’t trade it for anything.
A month later I flew out to California to meet Kathy. I also got to meet my grandparents. Turns out my grandmother was younger than my dad. Not sure a lot of people can say that. And I met my sister. I finally got to be a big brother It filled so many holes in my life, but balancing the relationships with my parents and my wife was crushing. I just wanted to be so selfish and find out about all the things I had missed but at the same time not push away everyone I loved. It was tough. But we all made it through ok. Everyone was so supportive.
Sadly, Kathy passed about 10 years ago. I feel so blessed that I got to know her and hug her and tell her thank you. I also ended up with a pretty kick-ass sister, and her family. We’re still trying to figure that relationship out being 3000 miles apart, but it’s nice that my small family got a little bit bigger.
Ok… sorry about that rambling. I’ve been handed so many blessings I tend to share too much. And for those who have adopted or are considering it, bless you so much.
Next post will be about turkey or something.
- 6 comments, 11 replies
- Comment
Me and my grandfather about the same age.
Marvelous story - I’m so glad it ended up being as positive as it has! It must be fascinating to finally get all those answers. But I can see how it could be a real emotional roller coaster, too.
Me and mom. She is more than just Kathy.
@capnjb Same smile!
@capnjb That’s Yosemite, right?
@zinimusprime It is. El Capitan and Half Dome back there somewhere
That is an heartwarming story Josh, thanks for sharing. Amazing him much you look like your grandpa
I’m glad it worked out for you
Glad you made those connections and that everyone was OK with that. In my mom’s side of the family myself and 2 of my cousins have adopted 6 kids between us. One was a newborn like you were (high school parents), one was a sib group of 4 from ages 3 to 11, and my kid.
I adopted my kid at 9 yr 11 mo old (was told she was much younger - first 5 and then when I said 5 year olds don’t have permanent eye teeth I was told 7). Tracked down her mom about 6 mo afterwards (she is from Cambodia). Still have contact with her younger brother (her mom died when she was in high school, her dad died before I adopted her along with one of her brothers. She also as an older sister but she lives where there is no internet so harder to keep up with her). I was going to adopt him but Cambodia shut to adoptions before I could finish that. He is still with the same family he was with when I first met him (both were in the same foster family and up until that I point I didn’t realize she still had family as I hadn’t been told). They have occasional contact.
Had sent things to Cambodia for her mom and siblings along with photos and money (she was very poor even by Cambodian standards). We also occasionally have contact with her 3 younger half siblings that she has never met (very expensive to fly to Cambodia and she doesn’t want to go, she wants everyone she loves to come here and have us all live together in one household.
She has pulled the, “your not my mom” bit. So have all the other adopted kids in the extended family. I think that is pretty common. When kids are really mad they use whatever weapon they have at hand. If you had been born into the family you lived in you would have found something else to yell that would have been equally painful. I figure it is a tough row to hoe figuring out how to deal with all the bad stuff that had to happen for you to land in another home with another family, how to make yourself whole when you know/knew so little about your family, why what happened did happen… as you have probably figured out it is a life long process, not a “one and done”, to knit together your life with both families in it… an emotional process with many holes to fill, holes that can open up unexpectedly… a process filled with joy and sorrow.
Glad you found each other and both families were OK with you making both families part of your life.
@Kidsandliz Wow. Wow. Wow. You’re amazing! Meh isn’t supposed to be about crying!
@Kidsandliz And your comments about ‘not my mom’ really gave me some peace. Thank you.
@capnjb You are welcome. I’ve also known a few kids who have yelled at their parents, “I wish I was adopted because then…” fill in the blank for whatever the adoptive parent would let them do that the parent who they are mad at won’t.
That you even yelled that at them makes a statement about how secure and loved you felt in that family, otherwise it would have been too big a risk for you. And while it hurt your mom as anything that pushed a button would have, clearly it wasn’t a lasting hurt or she wouldn’t have shared anything about when your birth family called. Adoptive parents are often a bit insecure about how their child will handle a birth family member coming into their child’s life and worried about how their child will handle it too - will they reject me and go back to just wanting their birth family, will they still love me, will I be able to handle my child loving another mom/dad… Clearly your family knew that you loved them and they loved you so they told you. I’d imagine they had twinges of that “old worry” for a split second or so - triggers don’t usually go completely away and they probably thought about this more than once through the years - but clearly they also felt secure as your parents, with your relationship with them, and as a family.
I went looking for my kid’s mom because she was worried about what had happened to the rest of her family (besides her youngest brother) that I didn’t know about until she had enough English to tell me (well other than being told the 3 year old she was with in the foster home was her youngest brother that the foster family, at that point in time, was keeping). For her piece of mind she needed to know. When I found out her mom didn’t know she had been adopted and had never given permission I I offered her back with money so she could afford to keep her. That was one of the hardest things I ever did. I also had to tell her that her next youngest brother had died about 3 months after I adopted her.
Her mom thought she had won the jackpot landing in America and said she wanted her to stay here which tore our kid apart (my kid had been born in a refugee camp during the war - all sorts of things I learned that help explain all the issues she had and continues to have.). We kept contact the best we could (her mom lived in a very rural part of Cambodia and during the rainy season no way in or out due to the now mud dirt roads).
Figuring out “family” and relationships was tough for our kid. Initially she wanted both of us to go live in Cambodia. Then she wanted everyone she loved there to live here because of some very practical things like washing machines, enough food… and said (which made me laugh), “No offense mom but my mom is a better cook than you are. She can cook and clean and you can earn the living.”. I asked her what all the kids would do. She told me they’d play instead of work and go to school.
In my opinion, and with what I have observed in other ‘family by adoption’ families this creates a number of things families and kids need to work out. The journey may be different for each family, but many of the underlying issues are the same… It adds a complexity to family and depending on how secure the adoptive parents feel about all of this (thus how conflicted the adoptive child feels and how much they need to keep to themselves so as not to hurt parents they love) it can be a path that can have some tough twists and turns on occasion. Of course family by birth can also have some tough twists and turns too as kids grow up… but adoption adds another layer for everyone.
It sounds like your parents (adoptive and birth) have allowed to you navigate that without a lot of added burdens due to insecurities - just the ones that come from the territory.
@Kidsandliz I hate to keep using this phrase, but it’s wonderful to see the other side of the coin with your story. I really appreciate you sharing it. My folks were very supportive of my wanting to know more and my searching. However, when it actually occurred I think they were like ‘oh, damn… really didn’t think that was going to happen’. It took a little bit for the dust to settle, but everyone is great. My mom frequently asks about my sister and her family.
Thankfully there is no need to walk on eggshells about this topic. My older sister, on the other hand, has zero interest in knowing anything about her adoption. That’s cool too
@capnjb Above I had a typo that mattered
meant to type “whatever they thought the birth parent would let them do that the adoptive parent whom they were mad at won’t”… (you were looking at first draft was last draft as I was in a hurry when I typed this).
Each family and kid’s story is different. There are so many things that create whom we are and what our family (or in your case either family) is like.
With respect to your adoptive parents when your birth family located you… there is always that nagging fear that somehow, in your case decades, of love and family will blow away in an instant when your “real” family shows up (and I say ‘real’ deliberately as some adoptive families have that hidden fear even if they know their kid loves them and they love their kid their kid will think of their brith family as their “real” family despite everthing). Remember most people who adopt aren’t adopted so they they don’t have first hand experience this, although some may have something related with respect to step parents…). Most know that is totally irrational but it can be still a fleeting feeling.
As far as your sister (the family you grew up in sister) some kids are never interested, others are secretly afraid of what they will find, or that they will be rejected again as some kids who have been adopted feel like they have been rejected by their original family/parent(s), often because of some fundamental flaw in themselves or that their original parent(s) didn’t love them anymore (kids tend to blame all sorts of things on themselves that they had no control over), and that pain runs deep. So they bury it, compartmentalize and and build a wall around it and given a chance would send that fear to another universe. Works for some, not so much for some others… People are so different in how they respond to situations, etc.
And she may be more interested in a different stage of her life. I know some adopted kids who weren’t interested until they had kids. Then as they saw how their kids resembled them or had some of their traits they wondered what they got from each birth parents and what they got from their adoptive parents. Others are afraid (out of love) of hurting their adoptive parents, looking like they are disloyal, unappreciative, or whatever… and so don’t search, or even express interest, until their adoptive parents are dead. And for some the fear of the unknown is the overriding driver. And of course some are never interested or interested enough to do anything about it.
I know that at times my kid (and other adopted kids I know) have gravitated to other adopted kids and talked about these issues in ways they’d never discuss the subject with their parents. Of course kids do that all the time with other issues as well.
Stupidly expectations are often put on kids who are adopted that aren’t put on kids who have step parents or kids whose parents died and now live in a different family that can make this journey harder and less above ground (for that matter this happens with cancer vs strokes, heart attacks, kidney failure to the point of dialysis, etc. patients) which doesn’t help the situation for either set of parents nor their collective kids. The worst expectations out of some (fortunately not all) I have seen have been that the kid needs to be grateful. Um no. Something bad happened that they couldn’t stay in their original family. Now they are in a different one with all the added overly of dynamics that in many families and often in society who understand even less, that"shouldn’t be talked about in public ". And in some cases, “shouldn’t be talked about at all”.
Remember that it used to be that all birth records were sealed at one point in time. Progression forward from that has been slow and uneven across the different states. Society attitudes influence rules. And then you throw kids into this who are just kids with a kid level understanding and interests. Heck it takes until kids are about 6 or 7 to really understand that “my daddy is your brother” (my niece and I had this discussion when she was about 6) or my grandma is your mother".
It sounds like your parents were secure in your family’s love for each other and relationships. While they may have had niggling fears, they weren’t threatened by birth family and, most importantly, viewed love NOT as a cookie where if someone else takes a bite there is less for the other person. Instead they viewed love as an endless spring. I know I have reminded a couple of adoptive parents (at culture camp for Cambodian kids, they knew we had located my kid’s mom and had contact) just as when another kid is added to the family you don’t love the one you have less, or if you are married loving your spouse doesn’t make the love for the rest of your family any less, rather it just means there are more people to love. And if your child locates other family members you are still family, now you just have more relatives (grin).
And again this adoption thing is a life long journey for both kids and parents (all sets of parents). Over time and as everyone gains more experience in life, questions change/evolve… There are just fewer people out there going through that journey than the divorce or death one. Glad you have parents who “get” this.
@Kidsandliz Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to put all that down. I feel like I’m going to be getting a bill from Meh for all the therapy I’ve been getting this month. Heh. At first, I was trepidatious about being the scapegoat for a month because life is really busy, and, well, I’m tired. I believe I made a really good decision to do this. It’s been fantastic to just put it all out there and watch complete strangers turn into not complete strangers.
@capnjb PS the wow wow you are amazing thing… no I am just a parent who once said to her kid when caught doing something she big time shouldn’t have been, "There are good reasons why some species eat their young. ". She said to me, “Mom you hate to cook. You wouldn’t even know how to cook me.”. I said, “Kid name, there is always the internet”.
As parents we try the best we can for our kids. That isn’t always easy as it is a learning by doing type of project. Hopefully we learn from our mistakes. LOL
@Kidsandliz Parents who put the time in are amazing. I don’t care how you define it
What a fantastic story - thank you for sharing! So glad you got to finally have answers to your crucial questions, have a positive relationship with your biological mom and sister and still (somehow) manage to balance that with your other important relationships!