Quarantine Recipe Swap

So I get emails from time to time addressed to people who think their email address is something it isn’t. Lots of people who have first names beginning with D and last names Slack. And, one would pressing, middle names starting with J.

Today I got like an email chain letter, so these people must not be young. The instructions were to send a recipe to the person listed at number 1, move the person at 2 to 1 and put your name and email at number 2, then send the letter out by bcc to 20 people or some crap.

This person did not do that. They sent the letter to that many people in the to field, so I could reply all. Since they were bad at following instructions, I could be too. So I made up a recipe and hit reply all.

It seems plausible. It might even be good. I don’t know. If you make it, let me know how it comes out. And maybe share a recipe here. Funny or real, I don’t care. Up to you whether you label it or let us figure it out.

Here is my recipe:

Quarantine Beer Brioche

13 beers (12 cold, 1 warm)
10 cups flour, sifted
1 tbsp salt
1/2 tbsp sugar
8 tbsp (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temp
3 eggs, 1 separated
2 packets (5 tsp) instant yeast

Heat 2oz of the warm beer in microwave for 20 secs or to a temperature of 110 degrees. Dissolve the sugar and the yeast in the heated beer in your mixer’s bowl. Drink one of the cold beers while you wait.

Once the yeast gets happy and frothy (about 5 minutes), add the remainder of the warm beer to the mixing bowl. Add 8c flour to start, salt, 2 eggs and the yolk of the third, and start mixing with dough hook on low speed.

Add the softened butter to the still mixing dough about 1tbsp at a time. Drink another of the cold beers to pace yourself with adding the butter. Don’t go too fast. Let it all get incorporated evenly into the dough.

Once the butter is added, evaluate the condition of the dough and your life. You are looking for a soft, smooth dough that pulls away cleanly from the sides of the bowl. Right now you probably have a sticky goo, kind of a mess. That’s ok, we can straighten it out.

Drink another cold beer and slowly start to add up to 1.5c remaining flour. The rest is for working the dough later. Add a little at a time to the bowl and a little beer to your belly. Let the flour mix in and see how the dough changes. When it forms a clean ball, stop adding flour. If it got too dry, just add a bit of the beer you’re drinking into the mix to get some moisture in it.

Let the mixer keep going for a total of 7-9 minutes of kneading to ensure that delicious gluten is formed and happy. This makes for the best bread. Drink another beer while you wait.

Turn the dough out into an oiled bowl and cover loosely with plastic wrap. Set into a warm place to rise for an hour or so, until doubled in size. Take four of the cold beers to a warm place yourself and relax.

That episode of Tiger King is over now and you have to get up to go pee. It’s probably time to check the dough. Wash your hands and dry thoroughly. Sprinkle some of the remaining flour on a silpat or just the countertop. Place the dough on the floured surface and punch it down (this is a baking term for press gently–do not take out your anger on the dough). Fold and press a couple of times, working the dough into a rectangle approximately 9" by 14". Cut in half to form two 7" by 9" rectangles of dough.

I know you want another beer at this point, but both hands will be busy. Hold on. Roll each rectangle up to form a loaf shape, pulling the top down over the ends so all the seams wind up on one side of the loaf. Place each loaf into a greased loaf pan, seam side down.

Cover the loaf pans loosely with more plastic wrap and set the pans back in the warm place to rise again. You want them to just about double in size again. Congratulations, you have earned more beer. Take the rest of the beers and go ahead and hit Play Next on Tiger King. You know you want to.

When that episode is over, contemplate how Carole probably did feed her husband to the tigers. You’re in no condition to bake, having consumed a 12 pack of beer by yourself. Tell someone responsible to preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Have them brush the tops of the loaves with the reserved egg white and bake for 30-35 minutes to an internal temperature of 190-195 degrees. Tell them when it’s done, let it cool for a few minutes then slice it. Tell them the best thing they will taste is that first fresh slice, warm with butter. And probably a couple more slices after that. Seal the rest in a bag to keep it fresh.

You, dispose of the empty beer cans and go to bed. Enjoy some of your bread toasted in the morning with bacon and eggs (or Scotch eggs if you’re feeling up to it) to recover from your hangover.

Makes two loaves. Bread will keep 4-7 days, or a few months frozen. Slice it before freezing.