A neutron enters a bar and asks: “How much for a pint of beer?” The bartender says: “For you, no charge.”
The bartender says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here!” A tachyon walks into the bar.
A photon checks into the hotel next door with no luggage, because he was traveling light.
Man 1: “Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body in a sawmill accident?”
Man 2: “I didn’t, is he dead?”
Man 1: “No. He’s all right.”
The dog dug up a magic lamp. Next thing, the front yard is full of squeaky toys and the back yard has a mountain of bones.
“I wonder what was his third wish?”
.
.
.
.
“Where the hell is the vacuum cleaner?”
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are derivative, trig jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are just basic. (But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.)
An American, a Canadian and an Irishman are meeting for drinks at a bar
American: I’ll have a Budweiser
Canadian: I’ll have a Molson
Irishman: I’ll have a Coke…
American to the Irishman… Aren’t you gonna have a Guinness?.
Irishman… No, since you guys aren’t drinking beer I figured I shouldn’t either…
A Scotsman is visiting his very first American Baseball game. He’s not real sure what’s going on but every so often when a man is at bat, he hits the ball and heads toward 1st base and the crowd leaps to it’s feet and screams “Yay … run!!!” but he doesn’t really know why so, he just follows what the rest of the crowd is doing and every so often when a player hits the ball and heads toward 1st base he just jumps to his feet and yells “yay…run!!” in his Scottish burr. Suddenly at one point a man at bat doesn’t hit the ball but he tosses the bat down and heads toward first base. The crowd leapt to it’s feet cheering and sits back down. Confused he leans over to a fella sitting near him and asks “why did the crowd jump up and scream that time when the player didn’t hit the ball?” and the fella says to him… “he didn’t need to hit it he’s got 4 balls”. Suddenly the Scotsman leaps to his feet while the rest of the crowd is sitting and throws his fist in the air and screams… “Walk with pride, man!! Walk with pride”!
Guy goes to the doctor and says
" Doc you gotta help me.
I fart constantly one after another…
The weird thing is they are always silent, and they never stink."
Doctor says
“After we cure your hearing problem, we’ll attack your loss of any sense of smell.”
Look to make sure the toilet is clean, and raise both lids.
Add 1/4 cup of shampoo to the toilet water.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him walking backwards into the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
you first
@Moose Knock knock
I got left at the front door…
@Moose @Targaryen Quit hitting me!
What do vegan zombies crave?
.
.
.
.
.
Graaaaaaaiiiiinnnnns!
Oh, wait! You said “best” jokes. Sorry!
Anyone else feel like it is solipsistic in here - or is it just me?
A neutron enters a bar and asks: “How much for a pint of beer?” The bartender says: “For you, no charge.”
The bartender says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here!” A tachyon walks into the bar.
A photon checks into the hotel next door with no luggage, because he was traveling light.
Man 1: “Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body in a sawmill accident?”
Man 2: “I didn’t, is he dead?”
Man 1: “No. He’s all right.”
What kind of lumber does a musician use to build their house?
.
.
.
.
tuba fours.
Did you hear about the people that stole the calendar?
They each got 6 months.
The dog dug up a magic lamp. Next thing, the front yard is full of squeaky toys and the back yard has a mountain of bones.
“I wonder what was his third wish?”
.
.
.
.
“Where the hell is the vacuum cleaner?”
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are derivative, trig jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are just basic. (But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.)
An American, a Canadian and an Irishman are meeting for drinks at a bar
American: I’ll have a Budweiser
Canadian: I’ll have a Molson
Irishman: I’ll have a Coke…
American to the Irishman… Aren’t you gonna have a Guinness?.
Irishman… No, since you guys aren’t drinking beer I figured I shouldn’t either…
A Scotsman is visiting his very first American Baseball game. He’s not real sure what’s going on but every so often when a man is at bat, he hits the ball and heads toward 1st base and the crowd leaps to it’s feet and screams “Yay … run!!!” but he doesn’t really know why so, he just follows what the rest of the crowd is doing and every so often when a player hits the ball and heads toward 1st base he just jumps to his feet and yells “yay…run!!” in his Scottish burr. Suddenly at one point a man at bat doesn’t hit the ball but he tosses the bat down and heads toward first base. The crowd leapt to it’s feet cheering and sits back down. Confused he leans over to a fella sitting near him and asks “why did the crowd jump up and scream that time when the player didn’t hit the ball?” and the fella says to him… “he didn’t need to hit it he’s got 4 balls”. Suddenly the Scotsman leaps to his feet while the rest of the crowd is sitting and throws his fist in the air and screams… “Walk with pride, man!! Walk with pride”!
The perfect woman:
height just to your belt
no teeth
a real flat head so you have a place to set your beer mug.
Guy goes to the doctor and says
" Doc you gotta help me.
I fart constantly one after another…
The weird thing is they are always silent, and they never stink."
Doctor says
“After we cure your hearing problem, we’ll attack your loss of any sense of smell.”
You have to sound this one out…
Whattaya call a fish with no eyes?
.
.
.
.
.
A fshhhh.
How To Clean A Cat
Look to make sure the toilet is clean, and raise both lids.
Add 1/4 cup of shampoo to the toilet water.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him walking backwards into the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
This is my favorite…
my 10th (Crows are very intelligent) https://imgur.com/gallery/WXvSWOD