Don't let your precious Apple Card touch lesser credit cards, warns Apple
14Apple released cleaning and care instructions for its credit card because of course it did.
(From Mashable)
The Platonic Ideal of conspicuous consumption never looked so shiny — and Apple really wants you to keep it that way.
The much ballyhooed Apple Card had its official U.S.-wide launch yesterday, with eager early adopters rushing to praise the card’s titanium body and laser-etched logo. And, because this is an Apple product, the geniuses of Cupertino released an elaborate set of cleaning and care instructions for the newest addition to their family of products.
Yes, you read that correctly. Cleaning and care instructions for a credit card.
“Place your card in a slot in your wallet or billfold without touching another credit card,” reads the card-owning guide. “If two credit cards are placed in the same slot your card could become scratched.”
That’s right, don’t even think about letting your precious Apple Card near that trash junking up the rest of your wallet.
But maybe you’re not worried about that. You, as a true Apple stan, have set aside an entire sleeve of your leather wallet so that your Apple Card may rest easy on its own personal bed of lambskin.
Well, my good Jobs-head, you’ve still screwed up.
“Some fabrics,” warns Apple, “like leather and denim, might cause permanent discoloration that will not wash off.”
All is not lost, however. You can “moisten a soft, microfiber cloth with isopropyl alcohol and gently wipe the card,” instructs Apple.
But whatever you do, don’t even think about using “window or household cleaners, compressed air, aerosol sprays, solvents, ammonia, or abrasives to clean your titanium Apple Card.”
Can you imagine? Like you’d have common household cleaners around.
So go ahead and order a special carrying case for that shiny bad boy. Because, much as with the Apple Pencil case, a little accessorizing goes a long way when lording status over your fellow man.
/image apple credit card
- 9 comments, 17 replies
- Comment
Can I use it to jimmy open a lock? Asking for a friend.
@sammydog01
That and butt-scratching.
(If you are eligible for apple credit card approval, then I presume that your precious nether regions are both apple-elegant and high-end.)
/giphy “my precious”
I’m an Apple ‘fan boy’ but since Jobs departed that company is POOP!
@culmac Did you buy the monitor stand? That was a killer deal.
@sammydog01 that was just a gaffe in how it was proposed. It was actually a killer deal if it had been sold this way: a professional class display at the price with the display included (which is way less than comparable displays), and if you, like most pros, already have your display stand, you can save an additional thousand dollars by opting out!
But yes, it did come off as crazy.
Here’s new fruit card protector from Woot:
@sammydog01
Oh man, it’s really a thing you can buy.
@sammydog01 @Thumperchick And if my math is right, at least 13 people bought it? @lichme can probably tell us how many for sure.
@lichme @sammydog01 @therealjrn @Thumperchick
I calculated 12 sales so far.
1/12 = 8.33% ≈ 8%
11/12 = 91.67% ≈ 92%
Only 8 states are green, so it’s unlikely it’s a multiple.
@lichme @narfcake @sammydog01 @therealjrn @Thumperchick I don’t understand why they actually make it possible to buy these items. If it was $1-2, maybe… But there’s a lot of idiots that are paying $20 for a fucking sandwich bag with writing on it.
@carl669
@lichme @narfcake @RiotDemon @sammydog01 @Thumperchick For $20 a bag I bet some counterfeit Woot apple bags start showing up on eBay.
@lichme @RiotDemon @sammydog01 @therealjrn @Thumperchick
eBay? A counterfeit one showed up at my desk within a hour!
https://forums.woot.com/t/woot-fruit-card-protection-system/463709/24
Nope.
Give me a break.
All Apple has left is the Glitz - there isn’t much tech backing it up anymore.
You’re holding it wrong?
What could compressed air possibly do to damage laser-etched titanium??
@PooltoyWolf
I think that the card is “special” and compressed air is merely “common”.
So the card, terribly, having unwanted and unfortunate proximity to mere compressed air would be inevitably vulgarizing to the card’s pristine elegance and delicacy.
/giphy unfortunate proximity
@f00l “Do not touch me with your common man’s cleaning tomfoolery!”
@PooltoyWolf The card itself is titanium, but I have it on good authority that the finish coating on that titanium is made of toilet paper.
@PooltoyWolf I suppose if it’s a can of compressed air, it may come out very cold and damage the chip in the card.
@PooltoyWolf also the air is not air. It’ll be difluoroethane or something. Maybe that stuff is bad for the card’s finish?
I bet it’s the cold like @medz said.
This is all very funny. That said, I err, signed up for it.
I will frame my precious titanium rectangle, the better to admire it, and use the phone to pay for things.
You get 2% back that way, which is ultimately the point. Like a fancy softwarey Citi Double Cash card. Gotta remember to opt out of arbitration…
@InnocuousFarmer
That sounds insecure.
Perhaps you could arrange for the speshul titanium card so be safely stored at Fort Knox, or alt, in the Tower Of London, next to the Crown Jewels.
/giphy Crown Jewels
@f00l @InnocuousFarmer
sheet metalsteel armor plates.There’s a more recent video where the
LockPickingLawyerLockBlastingLawyer tests its limits.what a waste of good titanium