7 Myths About Toothbrush Sanitizers (#8 is Especially Nonexistent)

There are a lot of myths about toothbrush sanitizers out there. And we don’t mean the story about brave Ulysses and the Cyclops with the clean toothbrush. Before this misinformation has a serious impact on public health and how much money we get, let’s dig in to the reality behind seven widespread toothbrush sanitizer myths that we just made up.

A DEA helicopter could mistake my toothbrush sanitizer’s radiation signature for a marijuana-growing operation, leading to a dangerous raid and costly legal troubles. Rest easy. That only happens with Blu-ray players.

Toothbrush sanitizing just isn’t natural. True. You know what is natural? Mouth rot from germs. Our artificial modern world looks pretty good now, huh?

Toothbrush sanitizers are a “gateway device” that could lead to experimentation with more dangerous toothbrush-cleaning devices, like toothbrush flamethrowers or toothbrush nuclear warheads. Those other things don’t exist yet. If and when they’re invented, humanity will have grave questions to ask itself about how far it’s willing to go in pursuit of a sanitized toothbrush - even, perhaps, at the cost of all life on the planet. Till then, though, no probz!

Toothbrush sanitizing could affect my sex drive. Only in the sense that all the ladies and/or dudes will wanna get up on that! They’ll be all like “Ooh, such a clean toothbrush, I find myself aroused.” Nothing reels in the action like a sanitized toothbrush. NOTHING.

Toothbrush sanitizers are for “sissies” or “milquetoasts”. There’s nothing weak or unmanly about eliminating 99.9% of the germs and bacteria on your toothbrush, and anybody who says so is just a big mean bully and we’re gonna tell our dads.

Those E. coli, salmonella, and streptococcus microbes are living things with a right to live. How dare we play God with their lives? Because they’re so much stupider than we are. Seriously, these things are freaking DUMB, OK? Forget about writing symphonies or playing chess. Little dumbshits can’t even play checkers. The world won’t miss these idiots, believe us.

My toothbrush sanitizer could be hacked to give bad guys control over my teeth. This is absolutely untrue and impossible and ridiculous to worry about. Teeth are impossible to hack. Especially since the release of Dental Patch 2.1.17.8, which closes all network vulnerabilities in your teeth forever for real, you guys. Check with your dentist to be sure your teeth are running the current firmware.