3-Pack: Unsimply Stitched Socks in Gift Boxes
- A great gift for the person who needs something between their feet and their shoes
- Some are holiday themed, others aren’t
- Fun, right?
- Model: 090952342747, which feels maybe like a prank? I mean, c’mon, they’re socks
Hello. It is me. A big time businessman. Do I have the holiday spirit? That depends if you mean the Isabella’s Islay Scotch or the Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne. Get it? Spirits?
And actually it doesn’t depend. Because I have both. They’re over there, in the corner of my big huge office. Sometimes I’ll pour myself a little bit, to celebrate pulling off a big deal. But not every time, because I pull off a lot of big deals, and there are a lot of calories in spirits, and not only am I super successful. I’m also super cut.
Wrapping presents? More like wrapping up a few loose ends to ensure a successful acquisition. Singing carols? More like singing Carol’s praises when she moves 200,000 units in an hour, because Carol works at my company, and I’m a cool boss. Christmas cheer? More like me cheering in my office when the stock price hits 1 billion. That’s right: our stock sells for 1 billion dollars a share, and it is totally realistic and cool.
Which is all to say, come December, I’m not exactly putting on my Santa Claus costume and heading to the ice rink to thrill the kiddos. Because a) I don’t believe in just giving things away; b) I’d be an unconvincing Santa Claus because, again, I am just way too cut; and c) I have my own private ice rink. Disney on Ice is performing there next week for an audience of one: me. I outbid the civic center.
I’m more of an Ebenezer Scrooge, but the only ghost visiting me is the Ghost of Christmas Profits. And let me tell you: it’s a very sexy ghost!
So, when you give me these Unsimply Stitched Socks for Christmas, all wrapped up in a tidy little gift box, I might only mouth a quick ‘thank you’ because I’m on a conference call and to say it aloud would be to show weakness. But know that your gift touched me, and that for the next several months, I will often walk from the living room of my penthouse apartment to the bedroom of my penthouse apartment, and across the bedroom of my penthouse apartment to the sock drawer of my penthouse apartment. And when I open that drawer and see those socks, I’ll feel the holiday spirit–the kind that doesn’t come in a bottle–pulse through me like sweet lightning.
And maybe next year, I’ll wear these socks to work and people will think, wow! That guy might be a serious business man, but he also knows how to have fun.
Actually, that’s the second thing they’ll think. First thing will be: that dude is cut like a diamond.