3-Pack: FootCardigan Socks
- Choose the 3-pack that best expresses your personality. Be careful – your personality will be defined by those socks for the rest of your life
- You may recognize this brand from Shark Tank and from the free socks we gave away back in the dim edges of memory
- Not thick like an athletic sock, but not so thin it feels like leggings. Approximately as thick as you would expect a dress sock to be. Ugh, describing socks is hard.
- You only have to reveal wacky socks to those you trust, like tattoos on clothed parts of the body
- Model: FROOT, TACOS, DESERT, THE OTHER SIDE, HERE COMES THE SUN, CAN YOU DIG IT (Model numbers that are just the names of the products in plain english? That’s some serious disruption. We’re guessing they don’t rank not very high on the search results for “Here Comes The Sun,” though.)
You Picked The Right Universe
You should be grateful you live in the instance of the multiverse in which this sock company decided to call itself “FootCardigans” instead of “FootSweaters.” The company in this universe is thriving, allowing you purchase these lovely, playful socks, whereas the company in the other universe went out of business long ago.
Let us explain: Since some universe exists for every possible outcome of every event, there is presumably one in which the founding members of this sock company decided to call them “FootSweaters.” Since that name lacks the cuteness of “FootCardigans” and, more importantly, evokes unpleasant feelings of podiatic perspiration, the brand would have immediately failed and we would not be able to sell you these fine socks today.
FootCardigan’s normal business model involves selling mystery sock subscriptions, which would have sounded like its own a bizarre alternate reality in 2007. We think they’re pretty cool, and not just because both our companies are headquartered in Dallas (“The Dubai Of The West!”). Their CEO has a Meh account (@bearsuit) and dedicated Mehers will recognize these socks as the same ones we sent them for free a while back. We don’t think the FootCardigan brain trust would have named their company “FootSweaters,” but again, in the multiverse all possible outcomes exist. So there are also parallel universes where these socks are called “FootPapusas,” “DoggyBags” and “XT$FJEI$-98-FEET.”
Tickled by the “Taco” design? Intrigued by the “Desert” motif? Us too. Unlike some other colorful socks, these aren’t just wacky for wackiness’s sake (though rest assured, we’ll undoubtedly sell those again), they have real artistic vision. Plus they’re pretty dang comfy*. You should thank your lucky Schrödinger Equation you ended up in this branch of the infinite tree of possibilities.
Those trapped in the “FootSweaters” universe don’t get any of it, the poor souls. But who knows, maybe other stuff happened in their universe that makes up for it, like the Patriots losing.
*I wore mine just the other day and enjoyed every minute --ed