144 Pieces of Caffeinated Power Gum
- Gum with no calories, no sugar, 80mg caffeine, and 100mg L-Theanine per piece.
- One piece is equivalent to one cup of coffee but with more chemicals that are apparently helpful.
- Look, you’re going to see caffeinated gum and you’re either going to want some or not.
- For those who don’t read the write-up, the following are Shawn Miller’s breakdowns of each flavor:
- If you like mint flavors, go with peppermint
- If you actually want to chew some gum for more than a few seconds, go with mixed berry for its chewy texture and least potent flavor
- If you want the best flavor even though it doesn’t last, go with blood orange
- As for mango? Nah, fuck mango. [Buyer’s note: uhh Shawn is nuts, mango is the clearly the best flavor]
Everyone's A Critic
It can be hard, as a copywriter, to stop writing copy. By which I mean: for as much as we make honesty a cornerstone to our philosophy here at Meh, there are times when I can’t help but revert to sales-y bullshit speak. That’s why, I’ve called in our very own technology guru Shawn Miller to help us with today’s product.
Basically, Shawn will be testing each flavor of this Caffeinated Power Gum, while I observe how it affects him. Two things to note up front:
Shawn does not like gum, and the following are his real actual reviews. (My contributions may or may not be very slightly exaggerated).
You should not try this at home; this stuff seriously comes with a warning: “DO NOT EXCEED 3 GUMS IN 24 HRS”.
Now, without further ado, let’s get started. Of peppermint, Shawn says:
It’s 5 seconds of a pleasant peppermint taste that surprisingly quickly turns into a sour, vomit-flavored chalk that you can’t shake for several minutes because it’s like you brushed your teeth with stinky socks.
Observation: Shawn began the taste test fairly tired. After chewing a piece of gum, he’s definitely a little more perky. He sits up straighter, talks slightly faster, drums on the table with his hands.
Of spearmint (which we’re not sorry we’re sold out of), Shawn says:
Spearmint kinda has an initial smell of fresh mint that, on the tail end, turns into a dark roast coffee that’s sat out a few days. Mmm, tastes just like Wrigley’s Doublemint. Oh wait… that’s just the first 2.5 seconds. Now it’s turned into like if Children’s Tylenol came in a new dark, bittersweet chocolate flavor that coats your throat.
Observation: Shawn is now running on a treadmill. I did not even realize there was a treadmill in this room. He is wearing a bluetooth headset in each ear and between chews of caffeinated gum he is closing deals, the origins or details of which I cannot discern.
Of blood orange, Shawn says:
Oh, god. Blood orange smells terrible. No idea if this is what raw L-Theanine smells like but it’s kinda like if there was a biochem lab setup in the middle of a nursing home. Not even the slightest hint of orange until I pop it in my mouth. Ok, mmm, there’s the orange and it’s rather pleasant. Wait a second, here comes the blood part. Now it’s like an orange if it were mixed with the driest dirt.
Observation: Shawn continues to close deals and run on the treadmill until, eventually, it overheats. To keep his hands from shaking, he takes to building a virtual assistant using mostly paperclips and tape. In just under six minutes, he finishes. He speaks Italian to it. It dings, and he reaches around to a compartment in the back, from which he produces a cup of fresh gelato. I ask how he did it, but in the time it takes to vocalize the question, Shawn has already sold the prototype for 3.9 million to a tech conglomerate and cannot discuss it without violating an NDA.
Of mixed berry, Shawn says:
Mixed berry has that air freshener “new car” smell. It’s like the best approximation of petroleum-based solvents in plastic and vinyl I’ve ever encountered in chewing gum. Hmm, surprisingly softer, chewier, and less gritty than the other flavors. Caught me so off guard I need to pop in another piece. Hmm, I’m not getting much of a berry flavor. Just mostly nothing followed by even more nothing until my tongue feels odd and tingly.
Observation: I cannot say when the last time Shawn blinked was. I ask him if his eyes feel okay and he says, “Do they look okay to you?” Then he stares at me with a gaze so piercing my nose begins to bleed and I have to turn away.
Of mango, Shawn says:
Mango smells a lot like blood orange but a little, uh, fresher. Like if they tried to sanitize the biochem lab in the nursing home with Original Scent Pine-Sol. I’m not a big mango fan and all this gum is starting to turn my stomach, but let’s give it a shot. The texture is chewy like mixed berry but gritty like the mint flavors. The artificial mango flavor is strong, passionate, but short-lived (possibly not unlike Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande’s romance). Now it’s just gross and I want this experiment to be over.
Observation: Shawn is now fully woke, and not in the Twitter way. I tell Shawn it is getting late and we should probably leave. He asks, “What is ‘late’? Is that what the mortals refer to as the dark half of the clock?” I ask if he at least would like a ride home. He shakes his head. His feet come off the ground and he ascends, turning liquid to pass through the ceiling. “Good bye,” he says from somewhere. I don’t know how, but his voice is all around me.