- Everything you need to fake your own death and start afresh
- 1 set of lime-green, highly visible earbuds to strew in the woods for investigators to find
- 1 sport armband phone holder and 1 Silvercrest activity tracker, also for woods-strewing
- 1 PackWare knife (not pictured so the cops can’t track it) for the murder weapon (strewn)
- 2 cups and 2 bowls for camping out while the investigation proceeds (do not strew)
- 1 HappeSeat car seat cover for … uhh … strew it, we don’t know
- Model: FakeUR
Fraud (Opportunity) Alert
Everybody wants to fake their own death and collect a massive insurance payment. But many get stuck at the planning stage. So we created this custom Fake-Your-Own-Death Bundle and user guide to help you realize your fraudulent dreams.
Step 1: Start A Jogging Habit
Anyone who has watched a network TV procedural drama knows the #1 cause of mysterious violent death: Jogging in the woods. But if you have never jogged in your life, the canny insurance adjuster will see right through the rest of your scheme. Use the Silvercrest activity tracker to log your runs so your spouse or partner can point to it as evidence. Make sure to take some selfies wearing the earbuds and armband and post them to social media, for reasons that will become clear in …
Step 2: Set Up The Murder Scene
Now it gets fun. Drive to a nearby trailhead and take a jog as you usually (now) would. Look for a nearby ravine, ditch, or culvert and flail around in it for a spell. Really make a scene. Then toss your telltale earbuds in the “struggle scene.” Then walk a few yards and toss the PackWare knife in the leaf litter (preferably covered in a bit of your own blood). Then walk a few more yards and toss the armband. Remember those selfies you took? They’ll provide clear evidence that you were the victim of this ruthless attack.
Step 3: Cool Your Heels In The Woods
Every good insurance fraud scheme involves some heel-cooling, which is why we provided these handy camping cups and bowls. Head as far away from the murder scene as you can, swimming downstream in a river if possible to throw off the hounds. Then set up camp and enjoy the great outdoors while your murder is investigated, and your life insurance paid out. This could take awhile since there’s no body to identify, so settle in!
Step 4: Profit
Once your beneficiary receives that sweet, sweet check, you can return to civilization and adopt a new identity. Buy a new house and a fancy new car. You’ll want to protect your whip against beverage spills of course, which is where the beige Happeseat comes in and proves to be a coherent part of this bundle and not just something thrown in at random.
So what’s your excuse for not faking your own death? A sense of moral obligation? Of right and wrong? Have it your way, sucker.